Aggressive and unreasonable OH

[RaquelWelch]

We moved from a big city just over a year ago as my OH has always wanted to live outside the city. We were meant to wait until our DC had finished school, but he found the house of his dreams before that and bought it. DC have now finished school and myself, OH and youngest DC (18) live here.

Problem is, my job is still in the city, some 80 miles away, so I spend 2 or 3 days a week in the office and stay away from home when I do, with a relative. OH is ALWAYS making digs about this and asking why I can’t just work from home. I have to attend the office for meetings and 100% WFH is not an option.

He causes an argument about this on a regular basis and this weekend he started an argument two evenings in a row, mainly because I have to attend the office 4 days this week. The second evening I stayed very calm, but he swore at me, punched a door and wall and smashed the iron into the ironing board, breaking it!

He says I don’t care about his feelings, but my job hasn’t moved! He has moved us. I said if we had stayed in the city I would be home every night, so this is his doing.

I told him I was going to leave due to his aggressive behaviour and he apologised, but then blamed me for starting the argument and said I was overreacting as he wasn’t aggressive to me, just the walls and furniture! (He did twist my arms trying to get the car keys off me and threw my bag).

I try very hard to ensure I only do 2 or 3 days a week in the office, to keep him happy, but this isn’t always possible.

Also, prior to Covid I used to work 4 days a week in the office, now it is normally 3 or less, and he wants me to drop it further.

I have a good job and I earn good money, I am at least 10 years away from retiring, but even if I was to retire in a year, I don’t think it would be good enough for him

It was his dream to move and I went along with that but I never said I would give up work so I don’t understand why he is like this.

Leave
Now
"he swore at me, punched a door and wall and smashed the iron into the ironing board, breaking it!"
It s violence
It says "be good or you are next "
Take your dc with you
Do not go back

I'd be getting legal advice. Have you decided if you want to stay in the marriage?

This is domestic violence, OP.

What is his actual issue with you going to the office? Why does he want you to be at home?

If your youngest is 18 it's not like he's left with childcare etc...what did he think was going to happen when you moved??

YABU to stay with him.

You clearly have a good relationship with a relative near to your work. I appreciate that you have children but can you stay with the relative and work out a new future.

Please leave him.

Imagine a calm and peaceful home without this aggressive neanderthal and also being close to your workplace.

"To keep him happy"...come on OP raise your bar.

Is he controlling in other ways @RaquelWelch ? He sounds like he thought getting you to move away with him would keep you at home, instead you're away overnights and he can't cope with that. He's going to keep on and on until you give in and change to a WFH job Op and he's willing to use intimidation to get his own way.He's already run roughshod over you and your DC so that he could have the house he wanted, now he wants to pretend being 80 miles from your job is your fault.
He doesn't trust you being away from home even with a relative, he wants it all his own way and he's getting nasty, please think about all this very carefully Op.

Please leave - this time doors and walls next time you??

It is his issue he moved you, you have never said you will give up work - and now he is being aggressive because you have called him out with his dickish behaviour.

However none of that is relevant as he is upping the ante- this is Domestic Violence!! Please leave and safeguard yourself and any children- this is dangerous and out of control behaviour.

Leave him. Why is he so adamant you’re home? Is it cos he doesn’t get his meal cooked if you aren’t there?

Are you married? If so divorce
Just go
Not married?
Just go
Sort out finances later

He’s abusive. You really should be making plans to leave.

Sounds like he thinks he owns you.
Hes not even your husband!
Now hes violent and aggressive and bullying you.

Please dont let him walk all over you and bully you. Id move back to the city. Fuck him

Did he unilaterally decide to move and tell you afterwards? I’m confused about this. Because, if he has all this control then punching a wall and arguments over spending time in the city are just symptoms of a much bigger problem in your relationship. You should both be equally involved in making big decisions like where you live and what property you buy.

You should leave him for the violence and the attempt to control you. He sounds like a proper c*nt.

If you aren’t going to leave him this time then sit him down and say if he is ever violent again you will leave, and he is not to complain about your work again or you will leave. And mean it.

He sounds controlling and you spending time in the city makes it harder to control you. Equally, giving up your job and being home all day makes it easier for him to isolate and control you.

He’s waving his red flags. Please be careful.

Leave. NOW.

Forget the work issue, it could be about anything. He’s abusive. Please leave asap.

Leave him. When he bought the house was it a joint decision? Because it reads like he just went out and bought it without discussion from your op. It reads like he’s trying to alienate you (especially with the kids being older and leaving home) and he’s furious you’re not playing ball by still living your life/going to work.

Punching walls and breaking things is domestic abuse, no ifs or buts. It will carry on and likely get worse.

Was he like this before you moved? Did you placate him a lot, is his behaviour escalating.
You need to leave. This would worry me immensely if you were my friend. He's laid hands on you in order to control you there is no going back from that.

As I said, he has always wanted to get out of the city and actually bought a house about 5 or 6 years ago. At that time I said we can’t move as our children were in school. He kept the house for a bit but then sold it on and yes, blamed me for “ruining his dream”. With this house the timing was a bit better in terms of kids and school and I was involved. I do love the house and the area, but again, I think this is his dream. And I do think he just wants to stop me working. I am beginning to see the nightmare that could be!

He is abusive. He doesn't want you to be away from the house as he cannot control you when you are not there. Do not give up your job. You need to leave this man as soon as possible. Be careful, he is likely to escalate. You can get support to leave from your local Women's Aid group.

It's good your youngest is 18 so you don't have to worry about custody. Have you tried telling him you need to be in the office for meetings and to see your colleagues. I would hate having to WFH as I'd feel cut off from having a social life. He is very controlling, you must have been together over 20 years if you have older DC, was he always like this, did he make you feel bad if you wanted a night out with friends?

YABU to stay with him. And show your children it's normal to put up with domestic violence.

It's working because you're asking what you can do to make sure he doesn't get angry. That's why he does it. To scare and control you.

Leave him. Immediately. Go and stay with your relative

You know the answer OP. This is domestic violence and coercive control. Next time it could be your face, not the ironing board. He knew damn well you couldn't give up your job (unless there's something you haven't told us). So what does he expect you to do?

If you give up your job to live "his dream" you will never get away from him. I dread to think what sort of life you will lead once you are basically his captive.

Make plans to leave.