Aggressive and unreasonable OH

[RaquelWelch]

We moved from a big city just over a year ago as my OH has always wanted to live outside the city. We were meant to wait until our DC had finished school, but he found the house of his dreams before that and bought it. DC have now finished school and myself, OH and youngest DC (18) live here.

Problem is, my job is still in the city, some 80 miles away, so I spend 2 or 3 days a week in the office and stay away from home when I do, with a relative. OH is ALWAYS making digs about this and asking why I can’t just work from home. I have to attend the office for meetings and 100% WFH is not an option.

He causes an argument about this on a regular basis and this weekend he started an argument two evenings in a row, mainly because I have to attend the office 4 days this week. The second evening I stayed very calm, but he swore at me, punched a door and wall and smashed the iron into the ironing board, breaking it!

He says I don’t care about his feelings, but my job hasn’t moved! He has moved us. I said if we had stayed in the city I would be home every night, so this is his doing.

I told him I was going to leave due to his aggressive behaviour and he apologised, but then blamed me for starting the argument and said I was overreacting as he wasn’t aggressive to me, just the walls and furniture! (He did twist my arms trying to get the car keys off me and threw my bag).

I try very hard to ensure I only do 2 or 3 days a week in the office, to keep him happy, but this isn’t always possible.

Also, prior to Covid I used to work 4 days a week in the office, now it is normally 3 or less, and he wants me to drop it further.

I have a good job and I earn good money, I am at least 10 years away from retiring, but even if I was to retire in a year, I don’t think it would be good enough for him

It was his dream to move and I went along with that but I never said I would give up work so I don’t understand why he is like this.

"He says I don't care about his feelings....."

But he doesn't care a jot about yours though. He found 'his dream house', not 'our dream house'.

He didn't care about your cummute to work when he found 'his dream house' or potentially disrupting your children's school life, moving them away from friends.

Now that he isn't living his dream life in his dream house with a partner having his meals ready for him every evening, listening to him talk about his day every evening, and performing other partner duties every night. In his eyes the dream house and life is a bit tarnished and who is to blame, you are of course, as it couldn't possibly be him.

As others have said, he is punching things and smashing things when he wants to in fact hit you, and he may well end up doing it soon.

So, get your finances sorted asap, ask your relative if you can stay for a few months then do it. Then tell your partner you are not coming back until he sells the house and moves closer to your workplace. If he won't then it's divorce time. Or maybe just go straight to divorce?

Do you own the house together or is it just his?

May I ask how close you are age wise Op? He sounds like he's older and wants to retire and for you to retire with him? I've noticed quite a few threads were an older DH/DP retires and immediately thinks his DW/DP should be at home with him all the time

Sounds like he wants a 1950s housewife.

Fuck that. Leave, divorce him, force the sale of his dream house/take 50% of everything you can so he can't ever afford to live anywhere like it again.

Then tell your partner you are not coming back until he sells the house and moves closer to your workplace. If he won't then it's divorce time. Or maybe just go straight to divorce?

Why would she do that? Offer him to be with her?
He crossed the line
Get out and away now ! Leave him far away

Leave!

I mean, its not like you have young kids and he's annoyed at being sole parent for 4 days a week. He just wants to be able to control you.

He's a risk to you, he's become physically violent. This time it was an iron, next time it could be you.

He assaulted you. Report him to the police and talk to a solicitor about getting a domestic violence injunction.

He already has been physically violent, he twisted OP's arm.

The way I read it is that he had a dream, has bought two separate houses of his dreams that hasn’t considered your view. You’ve moved into the second and he expected you to go, this commute is a pain I’m going to give it up or ask to wfh. You aren’t fitting his dream and therefore to him you are the problem. You’re not, this doesn’t seem like a partnership but him trying to control you.

I forgot to add… leave.

Do not give up your job. Give up him. Leave him to live in his dream house on his own.

Do not change your job. He sounds like he has potential to be abusive and abusive men love women not to be financially independent. If he twists your arm again call the police.

go.skimresources.com?id=470X1716091&xs=1&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nhs.uk%2Flive-well%2Fgetting-help-for-domestic-violence%2F&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.mumsnet.com%2Ftalk%2F_chat%2F5109182-how-do-i-leave-with-no-money%3Freply%3D136423802

🏃‍♂️ 🚩

The second evening I stayed very calm, but he swore at me, punched a door and wall and smashed the iron into the ironing board, breaking it!

(He did twist my arms trying to get the car keys off me and threw my bag).

This is significant domestic abuse. It will escalate and you need to leave as soon as possible.

Leave

You are only unreasonable at this point in time if you stay. Your husband's behaviour sounds really abnormal.

He twisted your arm and threw your bag and smashed the furniture and walls.
That's abuse.
I had an abuser who started off like that, soon enough it's you who's getting bashed or having heavy objects launched at your head. Or he twists your arm again and breaks your shoulder so you cant move it for more than 6 months?
Please leave him OP.

He assaulted you, he grabbed your hands to twist the keys out of them?
It starts with hitting the wall or other objects, at some point he will hit you.
His behaviour is unacceptable and by staying you are condoning it. He's getting away with it and therefore there is no reason for him to stop acting in this way.
You've already said you try not to work in the office too much to appease him. What else are you doing to keep him happy? His choice of behaviour is already making you change, what he is doing is a form of control and not healthy
Once he has you stuck in the house 100% of the time do you really think the reason for his anger won't change to something else? And by then you are completely isolated, no linger financially independent and therefore even harder for you to make the decision to leave.
Please get out now. Leave.

Please could you find a way to leave him and to take your youngest DC away with you. Your retirement's not looking that bright if you decide to stay and put up with his controlling abuse.

He's violent towards you and aggressive. Please think about why you're talking about work and not your safety.

He is 8 older than me, but he’s not yet at retirement age. And I have been with him since I was pretty young. He works for himself, so is at home.

The funny thing is, I have always been independent, always worked and I have said to him, it is as if he wants a stay at home wife who cooks and cleans. That is not me! So why doesn’t he go and get that if it’s what he wants?

Please talk to your family member about how awful this situation is. Get your paperwork in order. Get a solicitor and leave.

He's controlling and abusive. Sounds like he wasn't happy with you working - maybe your good salary threatened his masculinity - so he moved you 80 miles away from your job, probably assuming you would quit. You didn't and now he is using aggression and violence. You have already said that you go along with what he wants, he has abused and controlled you without you even realising. Think about what you want from your marriage, and ask yourself is this really it.

He’s abusive. Very abusive. Move back to the city. Leave him to his ‘dream’.

Vile, vile man.