Aggressive and unreasonable OH

[RaquelWelch]

We moved from a big city just over a year ago as my OH has always wanted to live outside the city. We were meant to wait until our DC had finished school, but he found the house of his dreams before that and bought it. DC have now finished school and myself, OH and youngest DC (18) live here.

Problem is, my job is still in the city, some 80 miles away, so I spend 2 or 3 days a week in the office and stay away from home when I do, with a relative. OH is ALWAYS making digs about this and asking why I can’t just work from home. I have to attend the office for meetings and 100% WFH is not an option.

He causes an argument about this on a regular basis and this weekend he started an argument two evenings in a row, mainly because I have to attend the office 4 days this week. The second evening I stayed very calm, but he swore at me, punched a door and wall and smashed the iron into the ironing board, breaking it!

He says I don’t care about his feelings, but my job hasn’t moved! He has moved us. I said if we had stayed in the city I would be home every night, so this is his doing.

I told him I was going to leave due to his aggressive behaviour and he apologised, but then blamed me for starting the argument and said I was overreacting as he wasn’t aggressive to me, just the walls and furniture! (He did twist my arms trying to get the car keys off me and threw my bag).

I try very hard to ensure I only do 2 or 3 days a week in the office, to keep him happy, but this isn’t always possible.

Also, prior to Covid I used to work 4 days a week in the office, now it is normally 3 or less, and he wants me to drop it further.

I have a good job and I earn good money, I am at least 10 years away from retiring, but even if I was to retire in a year, I don’t think it would be good enough for him

It was his dream to move and I went along with that but I never said I would give up work so I don’t understand why he is like this.

I wouldn’t over-analyse the precipitating issue,OP. He is becoming more controlling and has been violent. To be clear: breaking things, punching walls, twisting your arm - that’s violence. Please get your important documents together and find a safe time to get out of there. Beware telling him you are leaving - the risk to you escalates at the point you leave because he begins to lose control over you. If you’ve a friend or family member who could help you leave, get them on board. Contact your local women’s aid service. Good luck. You deserve so much better.

I couldn’t live with someone like this, I’d be terrified.

Be very very careful. Is he trying to isolate you? Move rurally and then make you quit work and be at home? His aggression alone is grounds for divorce.

Bloody hell OP please please get away from him. He wants you trapped at home like his slave.

He is violent and controlling. Get away. Get your children away.

I'm really sorry that you went through that. Unfortunately, you need to leave. His behaviour was absolutely unacceptable.

Other comments you have made in your updates suggest that he has history of being controlling, and you going along with it (and him making you feel bad about expressing any issues or concerns). I suspect this is more common than you realise, and you've both got used to this dynamic so it's become normal. You not adjusting your job is probably the first time you've 'defied' him in a long time, so he's acted out and now you've seen the real him- a vicious bully.

Please don't waste any more time with this man. Look at how to safely extract yourself (and your DC if possible, I appreciateyou can't force an adult to leave ), seek financial advice as he seems the sort to make a split as difficult as possible and seek support from your friends and family.

Edited to add- please take photos if there is any injury from him twisting your arm, and consider reporting him to the police for physical assault.

He was violent to you. He twisted your arms, that is assault. He was violent near you as a reaction to you having a job.

Leave him. They don't change. They just get worse. More abusive, more controlling. Leave now.

Because you are there with him. You are easily manipulated and pliable. You are facilitating his behaviour. Why does he need to look elsewhere?

You need to leave. He will eventually hit you.
He wants you to leave your job so you will be dependent on him. You and your dc need to move back to the city.

All of this. Why should you be trying to keep HIM happy?

I've missed where you have said whether you have any stake in the house. I am assuming you are not married.

He is abusive, he is trying to isolate you, he is violent. You need to be away from him.

He is abusive, and what he is trying to do will make you very vulnerable, don't even consider leaving your job. Are you married? I would be looking at how to exit the relationship, its not sustainable to be with someone who behaves like that. Likely even if you did somehow manage to WFH fulltime, he would find another reason to behave like that towards you.

you are not going to have a happy retirement if this is what you have to look forI would leave myself, I would do it as then he would be forced to sell the hell hole house he loves (but that is my passive aggression lol) but whatever this is as others have said DV and coercion and no doubt he would up the anti once you give in on any particular point untillyou are 100% at home then he will stop you going out etc. Aggression towards things is easily redirected in short shrift so you and your 18yr old are v vulnerable to this behaviour.

Are you married OP ? If so I would be getting out and forcing sake- if not- is house in both names? If not I think you are aware you are entitled to bugger all- is that why you are staying? Because if not- then I think you need to part- people do change and clearly he's at the stage where he wants someone around pandering to him- does he have other local friends or interests- ? If not why not? It sounds likes he's fixated on you being around for company

I would not advise working from home in your circumstances. WFH is great, but not with a controlling aggressive person in the house.

Move back to the city and divorce him.

He was aggressive towards you. He twisted your arm. He put his hands on you through anger. It will only escalate.

He wants you to give up your independence and will use violence to make you.

His violence will escalate and he is blaming you for starting the arguments to train you not to speak up
This is abusive
I suggest you leave and find a place to live in the city 80 miles away
It was his dream to move, and he didn't consider your needs then and won't now
You say it's his house, so if you are not married it's much easier to leave
You and DC will thrive without him.