Part of me guiltily wants my life back

[GingerLiberalFeminist]

Apologies for the thought splurge.

I have an adorable 18 month old, a loving DH, our own house, I work full time and I'm early 40s. But all this happened very quickly (post covid).

Pre covid I was single and used to be super fit, size 10, worked full time and spent free time in the gym, on long bike rides and visiting museums/stuff like that.

Post baby and going back to work (Nov last year) I've been struggling with a very guilty thought. That I want my life back.

I used to be able to pop to London for a gallery or a prom, if I needed to spend a day in the gym to decompress I could, I could see random plays and cycle there and back. I was slim and had savings 😂DH and I decided to cycle Hadrians Wall on a whim eg!

Now everything is planned around naps/tiring DD out. I get a bit of exercise in cycling to work but getting home I need to do dinner/bedtime and honestly love the limited time I get with DD.

Is this just the reality of motherhood? Especially older motherhood? The guilt that you want to do your own thing, but suddenly have responsibilities?!

DH is great, before anyone jumps on that, he'd let me go to gym or we alternate nights running or classes or whatever. But we struggle to get babysitters and I don't want to waste time I could have with DD and DH either!

I'm pretty sure it's normal guilt and would love people's coping mechanisms!

It's normal to feel that way. I have two kids and the eldest just turned 10. I often get the thought that I have given away my life and it feels like I don't recognise my original self, both physically as well as in terms of my mindset and outlook. But having said that, I love my kids and wouldn't trade the world for them. I have a full time job and all of this comes in the way of self care... I crave for me time. I can reckon there are tons of us! You are not alone.

You've mentioned your weight/size a couple of times.
Is it an issue?

This sounds familiar, I had DD in my early 40s and found the shift really difficult, after having been used to essentially doing my own thing and being able to act on a whim for decades. I really grieved for my old life, and found the monotony and anxiety of total responsibility for another small human being almost crushing. In contrast to my work life where I could cope with anything. I think it was because there is no off time, you're a parent 100% of the time.

It sounds like you've had an enormous amount of change in a short period of time and even brilliant change can be difficult to adjust to. And small children can be really hard work! Mine is older now and it just gets better year on year, and I look back now and think that I did my best despite motherhood not being one of my natural abilities. And I don't think I've messed the kiddo up any more than the average person.

Good luck, you'll get to the gym again, and get to drift around galleries too, and assimilate parenthood with being you. It just takes time.

Yep. I miss my old life ☹️. It was more relaxing and fun. I want to lose weight but have so little time, energy or motivation. Our holidays are dull: this year is a caravan in Norfolk. I’m bored by the constant house work, the screaming, mindless chat at baby groups etc. Probably good l had twins as l couldn’t face the being pregnant / feeling ill / hospital nightmare / lack of sleep / maternity leave etc again.

You are right in the thick of it at this stage. Can’t turn your back for a minute and a never ending list of chores and activities to be completed.

It does calm down and quite quickly when you look back on it. Try not to dwell on what you’re missing out on, it’s still all there waiting for you.

kind of similar thing happened to me - pre covid I was single and loving with friends, travelling a bit. Then met my husband, got married, now have a 16 month old. I’m early 30’s though so slightly different on the age side of things.
I adore my toddler and husband and feel very lucky, but I do think it’s normal to look back at the time when you had more freedom and wish for those times occasionally.
I remind myself that when I was single and having lots of fun with friends etc, I wanted to be married and have a child. So it’s like, whenever we are in a situation we tend to have a longing for a different situation, if you get what I mean.
I don’t think it’s harmful to want your old life back, as long as it’s not stopping you appreciating and enjoying your current life.
I also think it’ll get better as the kids get older and more independent. You can more easily do the things you used to.

My coping mechanism was to go out to do whatever I wanted- including the theatre- and pursue some hobbies, while leaving Dh with baby and not feel guilty.And vice versa. I don;t understand why family time is such a sacred cow on MN.

So many posts by women sad about havijng to give up their hobbies. You don;t have to! Being a martyr is unnecessary.

Thanks for the replies.
Yes my weight is getting me down too. All about being grateful for a motherhood body I guess!!
Not so much about family time per se but actually wanting to spend time with my baby and my husband respectively.

Surely you can go to the gym for an hour every Saturday and Sunday morning. Get back and spend time with your baby while your DH/DP goes to the gym. Have the rest of the day for family time.

Not sure how far you are from London, but one Saturday a month for the theatre or a gallery visit for you, and one for your DH. You then have two Saturdays and 4 Sundays for couple and family time.

I even went on weekends away once they were off the breast. My DC are grown now and have their own lives. I am very glad I kept up my hobbies and interests, because the time goes before you know it. I would be resentful if I gave up all my time for my DC.

I think I bought into the myth of any time when not working had to be spent with my DC. It took me a while to realise that is not the case. And as they get older, it actually becomes quite important to model have a fulfilling life to them. My 4 year old is very interested in my friends and the things I do away from her - we have good chats about it!

I absolutely agree with modelling a fulfilling life. Otherwise the empty nest will hit you like a train. Any time not working does not have to be spent with the DC, unless you are a GP or investment banker or something.

Perfectly normal to feel like this.
I really felt I'd lost myself when I became a mum. Life revolved around my small children. I didn't know who I was anymore.
But as the child gets older, you start to claw your life back.
I now do many of the things I used to love doing before children - things that made me me. Things like long hikes, going to lots of gigs, hanging out with friends etc.
I've just returned from a weekend away in London with my best mate, next week I'm going to a gig one night, then dinner out with friends another night. I need lots of time in nature so I go for walks on my own or with the kids.
Basically I do all the things I used to do before kids. All the things I need to do for my mental health.
You'll get your life back little by little over the next few years.

I have no advice to offer but I am reading the replies with interest because I feel exactly the same!

I do actually feel like things are changing now as DD is a toddler now and more interesting in many ways than a baby. She can also play in the same room as me now while I get on with other things and that is making life easier for me.

You're in the thick of it at the moment. You will get your life back slowly- promise ❤️

You can still do bikeride with your 18 month old - strap them into a seat behind you!

You can also potter round London. We also go to lots of theatre with mine, yes its aimed for kids but they love it and its still a nice activity for me.

As they get older, things will get easier!

If you want to do bedtime could you go to the gym once they're asleep and then you can spend as long as you want there? Or alternate?

Its hard, and its so easy to lose yourself in motherhood but you'll find yourself again - you just might be a bit different is all ❤️

Does your husband do dinner and bedtime?

yes it's really the reality of it I'm afraid. a massive ego death! once you come around to it and accept that it is the new normal it will be easier.

I railed against it for such a long time and ultimately it became easier when I accepted it (granted I am a LP which complicates things and makes having a life even harder).

You have to look forwards to doing different things - shows on the telly in the evening, or a glass of wine as a wind down, short day trips with kids rather than freedom as an independent adult.

Get used to the new normal, accept it and it will be easier than getting frustrated at it. It does get a bit easier when they get older. 11 years later here and I'm still stuck at home with my son and have lots of down days feeling stuck in a box here as a LP, but he's about to go to secondary so I am hopeful I will have a bit more of a life come September!

he’d let me

as adults, we hopefully make progress, have well paid careers, a job even, flourish in our own homes with loving, attentive husbands and healthy happy child/children -
have you ANY idea at all of how spoilt you sound -
posting of your wonderfully balanced life here amongst the angst of DV, divorce,
life’s unfairness etc., under the guise of ‘normal guilt’

OP sounds not in the least spoilt. What a mean thing to say.

I do think she could benefit from a bit of time away and doesn't need to feel guilty.

Yes, your feelings are totally valid and normal. I have a dog coming up for two and feel the same sometimes!

However, as your child gets older, she will become easier, and more independent. You’ll be able to do more things together , plus have breaks when they start pre-school. Older children can be less relentless then pre-schoolers.

Got it, we're not allowed to verbalise the fact that we miss parts of our life pre-children in case we offend someone who has it worse 🙄

Hi- just on the bike thing. My husband and I also love bike trips and we’ve built a whole bike culture with our sons including multi-day bike camping adventures. Your daughter will be old enough to start some of that soon! Highly recommend!

I actually think personally the later I'd had kids the more I would have felt like this as I'd have built more of a child-free life for myself. I'm 48 and DDs are adults or nearly.

It does get easier as they get older, particularly as you only have the one. I've always been able to pursue my own interests and work as well as being a mum, even with two DDs, as I find that really important, but I love being a mum and would not change it for the world. Also as they grow up they become great company- DDs are 18 and 15 now and make me laugh and expand my horizons so much.

Totally normal, but nothing really to feel guilty about. Your are grieving in a way for the life you had, whilst coping with a new reality. The new world is fulfilling and meaningful, but at times it's sheer fucking, exhausting drudgery.

What I would add is that I don't think it's necessarily about age. I say that as someone who had children young and then another one after a gap. Parenthood is a massive adjustment at any age. You perhaps give up fewer habits when you are younger, but might not have the confidence and emotional resources that come with age and experience.

What happens is that you grow with your children. As they become more independent you start to sleep, then you get your evenings back, then you start to think about hobbies and have time for your own well-being again. And before you blink they are off to uni...

For now, sleep as well as you can, prioritise eating well as a family and getting out of the house when you can for fresh air and exercise. Pushing a pram keeps you active until you can pick up the gym again.

It does get easier op. Do keep up with your hobbies as one day the kids have their own lives. DS is nearly 18 and I have no idea where that time has gone.

I'm glad I kept up with friends and my interests as if I had t i would t know what to do with myself.

You need to tag team with your DH and take it in turns to do stuff you enjoy.

I had DS just short of 40, was absolutely horrified and thought I'd made a huge mistake to the point of googling adoption services and staring miserably at women cycling past in nice coats or sitting by themselves in cafes reading -- I really struggled with never being alone on maternity leave (complicated by DH being made redundant when DS was about three weeks old and all he could find being a lengthy commute away).

All I would say it is that it's entirely normal, and that all the things you miss come back. You will be going to plays on a whim and cycling Hadrian's Wal again. You haven't lost any of your old self. However, you need what you need in the short term, and I would not be in the least apologetic in prioritising that, whatever it's exercise, solitude, theatre.