Part of me guiltily wants my life back

[GingerLiberalFeminist]

Apologies for the thought splurge.

I have an adorable 18 month old, a loving DH, our own house, I work full time and I'm early 40s. But all this happened very quickly (post covid).

Pre covid I was single and used to be super fit, size 10, worked full time and spent free time in the gym, on long bike rides and visiting museums/stuff like that.

Post baby and going back to work (Nov last year) I've been struggling with a very guilty thought. That I want my life back.

I used to be able to pop to London for a gallery or a prom, if I needed to spend a day in the gym to decompress I could, I could see random plays and cycle there and back. I was slim and had savings 😂DH and I decided to cycle Hadrians Wall on a whim eg!

Now everything is planned around naps/tiring DD out. I get a bit of exercise in cycling to work but getting home I need to do dinner/bedtime and honestly love the limited time I get with DD.

Is this just the reality of motherhood? Especially older motherhood? The guilt that you want to do your own thing, but suddenly have responsibilities?!

DH is great, before anyone jumps on that, he'd let me go to gym or we alternate nights running or classes or whatever. But we struggle to get babysitters and I don't want to waste time I could have with DD and DH either!

I'm pretty sure it's normal guilt and would love people's coping mechanisms!

I had kids at 28- it was still a huge adjustment- but I would have had a breakdown if all my spare time away from work was spent only with them or Dh. I very much need time on my own.

Yes, I absolutely feel the same way, and felt it very strongly with an 18 month old. It was the hardest age for me (and didn't help it was during Covid so no help).

You do sort of just get used to it. I was 37 when I had mine so had been doing my own thing since 18 when I went to uni, had been with DP for 10 years and had a very nice life... then suddenly you're trapped in the drudgery of childcare and housework and zero spontaneity. It's hard. Mine is five now and it's all much easier - although I still can't do what I want, I can do a lot more. I go to the gym two evenings a week because he's fine being put to bed without me. I go out for the day or away for the weekend regularly because my DP is more than capable of entertaining a five year old on his own (at 18 months it felt mean because it was all such hard work). I can leave him upstairs playing while I'm in the garden. Everything has to be planned, but it's possible.

Also older children are more fun. You can do activities that you enjoy as well - this helps!

Yup I hated being a mother to a little one. Such repetitive drudgery day in day out. Only had one because I hated it so much. Love my DD utterly obviously but hated the job of Mum.

Shes an adult now and am finally getting my life back.

Everyone is entitled to post on here with THEIR problems. Problems are relative, how dare you make someone feel bad for not being domestically abused FFS!!

That's alright, OP.
You have a healthy baby and a kind husband,
very good!
I have one as well, for about 20 years, no babies.
Part of me still guiltily wants to be single, live in an apartment and be able to shut the bloody door anytime I want! (And when coming back, find everything untouched).
Oh well. 😁

@GingerPirate I think that's quite common in long marriages, with or without children. Exactly why I go away on my own quite often.

Hm, I know 😁
Me too.

I think you're still in the trenches OP, and it does get so much easier.

I found doing things that fulfilled me with my baby worked nicely, a midweek trip to a gallery or a museum would be fine with a baby if you time it around naps, she would be snoozing in her pram whilst you have a wander round maybe?

Please don't feel guilty, it's really normal.

Just wait until they are at school and your life is dictated by the school run every few hours without fail! And when you're not doing that, its prepping for school - uniform buying and washing, homework projects, costumes, money for this and that.

@Teacherprebaby
Veeery good! 👍

The reality hit me like a train on our first post baby holiday - self catering with a one year old. Well it wasn’t a holiday just same drudge different place!

You need to adjust your mindset. It’s why I would be so devastated if a teen of mine got pregnant- they would never even have the free years!

It comes full circle though teens can enrich your life and force you to stay current and do stuff you wouldn’t otherwise have done but enjoy.

Get her a child seat for your bike? She would love it 😊

Mine are 27 and 25 now, and I hardly see them (one is the other side of the world). I'd love to go back in time and have a day with them as toddlers. Not helpful, I know. But I really, really miss them.

It's normal but IME it is not forever. My baby was a toddler during covid so I didn't get away from her as much as I maybe might have otherwise, but even by mid-2021 when she was 2, I'd started to get bits of my old life and autonomy back. I could go away for a night or two, was immersing myself once again in the work I loved - in general feeling more like my whole self even if this had to happen in quite strict time frames. It's got easier and easier since then, especially since she started school. You will get it back.

I do still feel wistful on lovely summer evenings that I can't just make an impromptu plan for drinks after work, attend every cultural event I fancy etc etc, but I feel like that is all waiting for me. And yes as PPs said, a lot of your interests are really suitable for sharing with your kids - cycling, exhibitions etc will give you years of joy together as they grow. My partner is preparing our 5yo for her first gentle through hike, something he loves to do. We do so much fun stuff as a family, less ambitious than we would have before kids but still enjoyable and I know it's laying the groundwork for more in the future.

I know it might feel bleak now but it really isn't game over. Every year gets a bit easier. Especially once you drop the nap and don't need the buggy any more, things get exponentially easier. Just hang in there!

In terms of the exercise - try doing hiit workouts (or similar) at home. There are loads on YouTube. This is what I do and my toddler just either plays around me or I pop the tv on for him depending on his mood. I have limited opportunity to be away from my DS to go for an exercise class/to the gym so it helps massively to be able to do my exercise with him around.

I think you do grieve your old life a bit, but unless you are a single parent there is no reason why you can't pursue all the interests you had before. I have three children, 4, 7 and 8 and run four times a week and am the same size and weight I was before I had kids (not saying this to brag, but your weight and size seem to be part of what's bothering you).

Yes you can't travel at the drop of a hat, but you can still plan things that are adventurous when you have kids.

18 months was the worst age for all my kids though (for me). They are very dependent still and can't really walk for long periods or talk properly, plus they are often still having naps etc - it's harder when they are at that stage to envisage a life with more freedom, but it will come!

Get Apple fitness op. They have hit / strength / core / weights lessons you can do at home

The baby/toddler years are relentless and exhausting but it gets much easier as they grow up. I think the poster who pointed out that when you’re young and single you yearn for marriage and babies is spot on - we always want what we haven’t got. I wish now that I’d really made the most of the freedom I used to have and seen more of the world.., but my kids are 13 and 10 now and I’m getting it back (and in fact feeling sad at how quickly the years til they fly the nest now seem to be going!). I did keep up with one of my hobbies, which I’m glad of, and found a way to sort of enjoy one of my others (camping/hiking… totally different with kids but still lovely). Life will be different for a while but it’s a stage, try to keep up with at least one thing that makes you feel like ‘you’ and it will get easier.

It's possible to do a lot of activities from my old life. I cycle with DD on a child carrier and we live in London so we get to galleries and exhibitions most weekends. We took her to the CBeebies prom at the Royal Albert Hall last year and will be going this year too. We go to children's theatres and I've brought her along to to some theatre and cinema shows for adults, where babies can be brought along. She goes into a creche at my leisure centre while I work out and swim a few times a week. She naps in the buggy or carrier on trips out and just goes with the flow.

Totally normal. I felt it acutely, and it was even worse after DH died so there was nobody else to step in. To reassure you, though, you DO get your life back and sooner than you'd think. I'd say from 4ish thing improve massively and now that DD is 6, I feel like myself again. Sure, I have to sort babysitters and can't be quite as spontaneous but actually, the things I get to do with DD are even more fun than the things I did before her so it balances out. You will get there, I promise!

Can you afford to go down to 4 days a week? Then once baby is at school you will get a day to yourself x I am PT and this is my plan, I won't go FT ever again

Understandable thoughts & feelings.

It gets easier, unless you ttc DC2!

sounds like there is lots that’s good, eg DH doing his fair share, and you could make further changes to help, eg find some paid childcare to enable you & DH to go out together.

It’s completely normal. I even think of my life in two halves the old Jane (pre-kids, fun, slim, good career, social life, well dressed) and the new Jane (Mum).

I long for my old life frequently - my lovely girly flat, dating guys, work trips and now I get shouted out if fish fingers are the wrong brand.

Honestly I think it's aging, genuinely my life is better since I've had kids and got my home BUT I miss being young, I miss feeling like I had all the time in the world for things :( I get slightly jealous when I think that my kids still have all that youth to go through 🤣

There's always one who has to point out it's going to get worse someone will mention having teens is worse than toddlers in a minute.