Part of me guiltily wants my life back

[GingerLiberalFeminist]

Apologies for the thought splurge.

I have an adorable 18 month old, a loving DH, our own house, I work full time and I'm early 40s. But all this happened very quickly (post covid).

Pre covid I was single and used to be super fit, size 10, worked full time and spent free time in the gym, on long bike rides and visiting museums/stuff like that.

Post baby and going back to work (Nov last year) I've been struggling with a very guilty thought. That I want my life back.

I used to be able to pop to London for a gallery or a prom, if I needed to spend a day in the gym to decompress I could, I could see random plays and cycle there and back. I was slim and had savings 😂DH and I decided to cycle Hadrians Wall on a whim eg!

Now everything is planned around naps/tiring DD out. I get a bit of exercise in cycling to work but getting home I need to do dinner/bedtime and honestly love the limited time I get with DD.

Is this just the reality of motherhood? Especially older motherhood? The guilt that you want to do your own thing, but suddenly have responsibilities?!

DH is great, before anyone jumps on that, he'd let me go to gym or we alternate nights running or classes or whatever. But we struggle to get babysitters and I don't want to waste time I could have with DD and DH either!

I'm pretty sure it's normal guilt and would love people's coping mechanisms!

presumably everyone is ENTITLED to post their opinion here, albeit possibly unpopular, shrug, that is how I ‘dare’ - problems are indeed relative, perhaps you could go pick on some beastly wife beaters if you want a redressed balance,
rather than attempting to censor a valid social observervation, so not impressed
with your hysterical hyperbole
Plus the OP ‘problem’ isn’t really a problem is it, but a phenomenon known as
kitchen sink wistfulness,
or
‘if only’

I think your feelings are normal and valid. It does get easier over time though, partly due to getting some time / balance back as they get older and partly due to adjusting to the new normal! I totally get that you want to prioritise time with your family and you have to work on getting your own balance. I think it is never too early to start introducing them to activities you enjoy and there are plenty of things you can try - bike seats have been mentioned but also get a running pushchair and combine a run with a playground trip; go and see child friendly theatre / music and as they get older the type of things you can see will get gradually more interesting. Get them used to eating out / going museums etc. The work you put in now will pay off and in a few years time family days and your own interests will merge more.

Oh, and also learn to embrace and enjoy doing things your kids love - bouncing on trampolines, watching disney films, going to the zoo - there is bound to be something your inner child will enjoy

Well, aren't you delightful.

It's soooo normal OP.
DH and I will sometimes sit and talk about what we'd be doing now if we didn't have kids. Obviously we adore our DC and wouldn't change them for the world but it's no lie that life would be a lot easier had we not had any.
We always say we miss the days when we were new in our relationship and each had our own places but spent most of our time together. 😂
I'd love to let myself into my old flat and curl up on the sofa with a movie 🥹

What?? There’s nothing wrong with what OP has asked.

OP, I’m well and truly out the other side, so to speak - mine are 24 and 16. But I reckon I still got to do things I enjoy, either on my own, or with the DC. I used to take them as toddlers/preschoolers to a museum with loads of kids’ activities - especially the World Museum in Liverpool and wear them out and then after lunch, get them to nap in the buggy while I pushed them round the galleries that were more adult focused or round the Walker gallery. Holidays included France - toddler friendly caravan parks but squeeze in trips to heritage sites- DH would look after DC for a hour or do while I’d go round the castle.

You can make it work - but I understand the feeling.

My youngest turns 18 this week. I'm still mid 40s, so I didn't have the disposable income to have that sort of life pre children.

Now that I'm here, I'm doing all those things you describe. Your time will come again. And in the intervening years, bring the children on the journey with you.

I took my 2 into central London from about 6 months onwards. Took solo holidays from about a year onwards. Took the children for a month's holiday abroad in school holidays regularly. Did a solo day trip to Disneyland Paris one year pre satnav when they were 4 & 2. That was fun!

Don't stop being you because you're a mum. Find a way to make things work for you and yours. And enjoy the journey along the way as much as you can.

Because one day you'll get to my point in life where the very wise advice I received when mine were little finally feels true.

"The days are long, but the years are short"

All the best.

Oh yes, I miss my old room in my shared house so much sometimes! I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. If I went out no-one knew where I was, or wanted to know when I'd be back. If I went downstairs there'd usually be an adult around to chat with, but equally I could hide myself away in my room without being questioned. I was right in the city centre, 10 minutes walk from everything. God I miss those days!

Still waiting for this feeling to end and mine is 7. It’s relentlessly boring and I would have never done it if I’d known how thankless and awful it is.

I mean, he’s fantastic..but the wrecked body, mind and soul thing. Never again.

That’s why is really struggle to understand those with 2 plus kids. Or worse those that have a baby as their eldest leaves home. Wtaf are they thinking? Don’t they like having time to themselves?

Sounds like u had a baby without thinking I now come last, u had yr selfish life now’s yr turn to be selfless. Older parents often find it harder and keep going on about me time, once u have kids me time goes out the window.

Absolutely zero need for this kind of pointless martyrdom, which certainly doesn;t describe my 12 years as a parent. I'm exactly as selfish/unselfish as I was before I had a child, and I have much the same needs and requirements for solitude, socialising, fulfilling work etc as I did. I fit them around parenting, sure, but (quite apart from anything else) you can't parent well out of an empty pot.

Completely normal OP! I have one 7 yo and a DH who does (more than) his fair share but there’s still a huge change to your life that is hard to articulate. DH and I are both happy for the other to go out/away with friends but there’s no spontaneity and the reality is I find it harder when DH is away and he likewise when I go (both travel for work too).

we live in London and did loads of galleries and museums when DS was little. It’s harder now he has his own hobbies and interests to factor in but we try to give each other space for hobbies and time with friends. We buy in help in the form of a babysitter for the odd date night.

So many threads today from unhappy parents. People will say that's because only people with problems post here so it can't be that many people. Yet all studies show child free people are happier.
Personally, I was shocked to discover (didn't see it before I went ahead) how much I had to give up - mind, body, soul, career, finances and identity. Single parent after D.
There is no thanks either. Modern motherhood has a good bit of martyrdom built into the role, single motherhood, much more.

I dread to think what happens to children who grow up without seeing their parents as people, with their own interests and passions and challenges. That kind of modelling is absolutely essential if children are to grow into well-rounded, compassionate, self-fulfilled adults. If you martyr yourself for your children you create monsters.

You aren't a bad mum or wife for thinking like this, you had a life before your child and husband

I longed for the change that came with a baby, but found it so hard when it happened (and felt really guilty about that), but after about age 2.5 onwards, it starts getting better and there is more time. It will come back again, having tiny children is over in a blink, you're just before that point.

I was 44 when I adopted and also had this feeling, because it was hard work at the start, sleeplessness etc. But as they grow it gets easier and that feeling passed. In fact now I feel these parenting years have been the best years of my life!

@LinseedCrackers may I ask how are you managing to fit in all your needs? Do you split time with your partner? Babysitter? I am finding myself drowning with a 4 mths old & 5 yo...

@Cornflakes44 I think if you have another look, you'll see I said it gets easier.....not sure where you got that I said it would get worse??

It sounds unbelievably normal to me.