Argument with DS’s dad about school, AIBU?

[Greenal]

DS’s dad wants him to go to private school. He will be going to school a year in September. I am resident parent, his dad works a lot and to be fair does pay fairly towards him so I do consider his views on things to do with ds even though he only sees him weekly or fortnightly. We don’t get on massively well for various reasons but ds is an only child and mine and ex’s only child.

Ex is now saying he wants ds to go to private school and if I can’t contribute then he will find a way. I can contribute but I don’t want to and I don’t want ds to go. I don’t agree with private school, I think it will isolate him and he will grow up feeling entitled. This really upsets me as I had a generally happy time at my local state school and we can find extra curricular activities outside of school. Ex went to private school and says I am massively clipping DS’s wings by saying no to this. I feel so strongly about it and feel really upset he has suddenly said this a year before he starts school. AIBU?

I think you need to put your prejudices about private school to one side here. How ridiculous to assume he will grow up entitled if he goes to a private school. Are you so unconfident in your own parenting?
Like it or not, private schools can offer real opportunities to young people and it's worth considering this before dismissing the idea immediately.

Generally, both parents are required to sign the contract for private schools meaning that if one parent can't pay/stops paying, the other becomes liable for the full amount.

This is something you need to check out.

It will be a nightmare if a year from now your ex can’t afford it and you have to move DS. With labour coming in I would just say no and that is it. The prices will rocket and you’ll end up sorting out the shit show your ex demanded

I wouldn't do it either OP.

What if something happens and ex is no longer able to pay for it?

If your ex is prepared to pay the fees and the extras, I’d go with it, but does he understand that it isn’t simply a question of termly fees. There are plenty of additional costs too. I’d have a careful conversation about how much it’s all going to be, financially.

I wouldn't agree to it either OP, for similar reasons to yours. As the parent doing all the parenting for 13 out of 14 days a fortnight, this should be your decision to make, not his occasional father. You will know your child a lot better than he does. Paying isn't parenting.

I don't think you should have to pay towards it if you don't want him to go, but I'd look around private schools if he's sure he wants to fund it. You might change your mind and like it. Being arrogant is probably more about parenting than school.

Why not compromise and say private school for secondary school?

The money you both save on using a state primary school can be put aside for your DS when he is older.

I agree with you. Yes some private schools are great but then equally so are lots of state schools and there's no way I'd risk putting my child into private school on the basis of someone else paying even if it is his father. The risk of having to pull him out is very high and of course it will all be left to you to scramble around and find a suitable state school for him.

I would potentially compromise at secondary age providing he could show he had enough money saved to pay for his whole time there.

You get the casting vote as your child resides with you.

You both have very valid reasons for your feelings, My husband was privately educated, went to Imperial university with a first honour, great job from the get go. I went to an average state school and went into a job because I loved it and not because of money.
There’s nothing wrong with either education, it just depends whether you could afford it long-term and if you have a second child would you be able to afford it for them as that could be unfair. (average cost of private school all the way to just before university is £425k per a child) My husband speaks to friends he’s know since he was a child, I don’t speak to any one from school, The network of friends he has made from school live worldwide or have all lived in major cities.
It also depends how good your state schools are in your borough. If there are many outstanding schools, I can understand why sending your child to state school and then maybe getting into a grammar school afterwards for secondary.
My children are in private education because DH wanted them to be, but also because we didn’t have much choice as we lived in HK for a few years and we wanted a British education for that older one, now we are moving to Abu Dhabi so the younger 3 year old will be going to an international school there too. I would have asked for state schooling as the area we would have lived in have good schools London. I wouldn’t agree that you are clipping away your child’s wings, but I do understand that going to private school your child will have more opportunities.

I wouldn’t want my child going to private school either.

Why should l suspend my ‘predjuces’ for this?

For a start stop being prejudiced against Private schools. If your child grows up feeling entitled that will be down to his parents - equally State school will not be clipping his wings so both your and your Ex need to get over yourselves.
What you need to consider is which school will suit your child best that you will be able to get a place at? If there is a good State option then there is no need to even consider Private but if not then don't send your child to a shit school because of your principles (assuming its affordable of course)

When you have kids you should parent jointly if at all possible, which means having an open mind to the other parent’s views even if you despise him. This is in the best interests of your son. I don’t think you get to decide just because he lives with you, unless there are logistical issues that would affect you more.

Imo education is about the right school for your child. Visit all the potential schools, state and private, and consider his needs. Think about primary and secondary too. Decide for yourself what you are willing and able to pay for and communicate that to your ex.

But above all keep an open mind. There are many types of private and state schools, all with different types of families and different cultures. Don’t make assumptions that all private school kids are X or Y, that’s lazy.

Maybe compromise and say you'll be happy to reconsider at 11?

YABU. Private school will give him a better education and more opportunities. I went to both and private was leagues ahead of my state school. And my state was a grammar which was regularly one of the top 10 state schools in the country.

Your average day school is nothing like the Eton’s and other big name schools you read about. Take a look around a few and meet the children before you let prejudice cloud your judgement.

Could you compromise and do state primary and private secondary?
By the time they are 11 they may have their own opinion on what they prefer anyway

This seems like a good compromise. It gives ex enough time to save to have the secondary school fees set aside.

It also reduces the chances of ex having additional children and wanting to offer the same opportunities to them all (which might mean you feel compelled to pay towards costs for your ds). By the time ds is going to secondary school it's likely his dad will know if he's going to have other children.

@Littlefish thanks, so I can basically stop it if I don’t go or sign etc ?

@Bluevelvetsofa both he and I are from
comfortable financial backgrounds and so he knows either of us could pay the entirety ourself if we had to. I couldn’t say I couldn’t afford it even if I wanted to (and anyway he is saying he will cover it). I just feel forced into something I really don’t believe in and never have. Which he knows.

You would need to check with the school in case their rules are different.

Your difficulty is that in the state system, both parents have to agree on which school to send their child to, so you could find yourself in the same situation, with your ex blocking your choice of school and you blocking his.

@kiwiane is this true??

No. Either of you could take it to court over the issue providing he has parental rights.

Of course he thinks it will break the bond you have with your child as the resident parent, give him more of a shared experience with your child, and indebt you and the child to him as he is paying for this extravagant treat. I would not want to be indebted to my ex or to let him substitute money and things for parenting.

No, not at all.

An order can be made by a court as a last resort, but if you can’t resolve it between you then the next step is mediation.

What does your son want?