Argument with DS’s dad about school, AIBU?

[Greenal]

DS’s dad wants him to go to private school. He will be going to school a year in September. I am resident parent, his dad works a lot and to be fair does pay fairly towards him so I do consider his views on things to do with ds even though he only sees him weekly or fortnightly. We don’t get on massively well for various reasons but ds is an only child and mine and ex’s only child.

Ex is now saying he wants ds to go to private school and if I can’t contribute then he will find a way. I can contribute but I don’t want to and I don’t want ds to go. I don’t agree with private school, I think it will isolate him and he will grow up feeling entitled. This really upsets me as I had a generally happy time at my local state school and we can find extra curricular activities outside of school. Ex went to private school and says I am massively clipping DS’s wings by saying no to this. I feel so strongly about it and feel really upset he has suddenly said this a year before he starts school. AIBU?

I think you should both visit all the options together and try to have an open mind. You both sound quite prejudiced on this topic so perhaps try to approach this as scientifically as possible- agree on a criteria and then consider how each school scores in all the areas you consider important.

You never know how your views will change when you get down to the details rather than just thinking high level.

I would compromise that you are open to consider it for secondary school if DS wants to go and your Ex has the funds in savings to pay for the entirety of secondary school.

You would then just have to share all the additional costs.

Yes YABU in my opinion because smaller class sizes, better funding and equipment, teachers who actually enjoy their work due to the additional holiday they get and more manageable behaviour all equal a much better opportunity for your child. No brainer.

I don't get the idea that it can't be about a generic state vs private - if it's a moral issue for OP, as it is for lots of people, then that's what it's about.

No she isn't. Going to state school won't "harm" him just as it doesn't the millions of other children who go to them.

I would be against it too, but I also see the benefits of private school.
I would tell him he will get more out of secondary so why not put him in state primary for now, while Ex saves up for secondary. Then you can assess in 5 yrs...which school is best for him, what you can both afford etc.

If he can afford private school, he can afford to put this specific matter to court. However, this could well be one of the issues where a judge is more likely to rule in his favour.

Perhaps if it went there, a solicitor could advise whether it's possible to stipulate that his father is solely responsible for paying for it?

It will harm him if the state schools are poor (as many are).

Even if all the schools are fabulous, the OP’s position will harm her child just as any dogmatic position will harm a child with two parents who have to co-parent.

@NeverDropYourMooncup it’s not about the money. I’m not worried about money. I just don’t agree with private schools and want my child to be state educated

His father does, however, and neither of you are able to decide unilaterally. If you can’t agree even after mediation then a judge will make the decision.

Hii op w do you know what he thinks? Maybe he just wants their child to have all the opportunities a private school can offer.

Because she has described him as very combative and selfish and otherwise uninvolved with his child.

If it reaches the stage where a judge has to issue a specific issue order, what will be considered is what is in the child’s best interests, not OP’s ideological stance. If the father can demonstrate an ability to pay, and show the school can offer more to the child than OP’s proposed state school, then I don’t think it’s at all unlikely that a judge would rule in his favour.

If The schools round you are ok, go state for primary. You can reassess at 11. DC might be very happy and doing well in state and want to go on with friends to local state secondary.

fwiw mine went to local state primary which was brilliant. Then private. It’s been good and no regrets, but now they are heading to uni I question whether private is an advantage. DS is st a great uni but not Oxbridge like his best mates who did A levels in the state sector.

As someone who went to both state (an excellent state school) & private school, I would agree with your ex that you would be clipping your child’s wings. Would definitely recommend it.

Even if your objection is primarily one of principle, you’d be much better off visiting the private schools so you can satisfy yourself that they offer nothing significantly better in terms of experience, then countering his arguments with fact-based ones of your own. eg things like “we can walk to x local primary but would have to drive to Y closest private”.

Then be prepared to do the same at 7+ and 11+ entry points, by which time you will also have a much better idea of your child’s specific needs, personality and aptitude. And maybe try to keep an open mind at all stages.

I know. However, it's a position that a judge is less likely to agree with you on than other matters. Realistically, you're more likely to lose.