Argument with DS’s dad about school, AIBU?

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DS’s dad wants him to go to private school. He will be going to school a year in September. I am resident parent, his dad works a lot and to be fair does pay fairly towards him so I do consider his views on things to do with ds even though he only sees him weekly or fortnightly. We don’t get on massively well for various reasons but ds is an only child and mine and ex’s only child.

Ex is now saying he wants ds to go to private school and if I can’t contribute then he will find a way. I can contribute but I don’t want to and I don’t want ds to go. I don’t agree with private school, I think it will isolate him and he will grow up feeling entitled. This really upsets me as I had a generally happy time at my local state school and we can find extra curricular activities outside of school. Ex went to private school and says I am massively clipping DS’s wings by saying no to this. I feel so strongly about it and feel really upset he has suddenly said this a year before he starts school. AIBU?

The child is 3... He wants a chocolate bar.

I totally missed the age 💀 thought this was regards to high school.

You need to compare the specific state school he would get and the specific private school. There’s no point having a general debate.
I didn’t think I’d send my kids to private, but our local state school is a violence (physical and emotional) filled sh*t hole. So we either had to move or go private.

Sorry it was a tad snippy of me. (Let's blame the football)

However given he's only 3 it's why the reasonable solution is state primary and then reconsider it for secondary. His argument is ridiculous as he's really not going to be disadvantaged by not going to a private primary.

This seems like a stretch? Assuming it's day school as most are why on earth would it break their bond?

Op it would depend on the schools for me, wt our old house the schools were crap and I'd have done private all the way through if I could in anyway afford it! Facilities and class sizes are often better and you can ensure he's not entitled by volunteering and meeting other people from all walks of life.

If you're in a catchment for fantastic schools less of a temptation ...

A

By the same token do parents who send their children to private schools have ‘prejudices’ about State school?

As others have said OP, private school can provide a great experience for children. And honestly, if i found out when i was older that i could have gone to private school and 1 parent had atopped me i would be very angry.

Ask your child, let them view the private schools as well as the state schools and let them express an opinion

The child is 3. Their opinion here is honestly completely irrelevant.

YABU because you need to put your prejudice against private schools to one side and look at this objectively. In addition, YABVU to say private school pupils are “entitled”. That’s a ridiculous generalisation and simply untrue in most cases.

Look at all the schools available; think where you’d want him to be at secondary age, etc; then discuss it objectively and reasonably with your ex.

This.

The main factor for me would be educational continuity. I wouldn't much care whether state or private school (we have decent state schools around here), but I absolutely wouldn't want to be in a position of having to disrupt my child's education and for them to leave all their friends for financial reasons.

A reasonable compromise would be to say no for primary but you'll discuss it for secondary nearer the time.

In the meantime, that gives him 7/8 years to get squirrelling away money so that your DC has a decent 'fund' of money available by the time they reach secondary age and the risk of them being pulled out because neither of you can continue to afford the fees is much less.

Private for primary is fairly pointless in my experience, it just doesn't add much in terms of value. I'd suggest to your ex that he put the money aside ready for secondary and see what the best option for your ds is at that time.

I read the OP as child goes to secondary school next year, not primary school.

If its primary school, then i don't see its needed, but for secondary it can be hugely beneficial.

Private schools are likely to get 20 percent more expensive and some may close or be in for a rocky ride. It could be a bad time to be in private Why don't you suggest state to start and then see when he starts senior school (so you are kicking the can down the road) or juniors if need be. By that point you can say ds is settled in state so no need to move

It's perfectly reasonable to not want your child to attend private school and OP should not be shamed for her opinions, they are just as valid as the child's father's views.

It really depends on what the options are. Is it a good state schools area? So if there's some great local options then I think you can say to EX that you want to see how it goes in state and review in a few years. If the state options are not great then I'd say consider it. But
You need to both consider how you'll cope with any changes to financial circumstances eg if either of you lose a job etc

What sort of private school, small pastoral one, or elite public school one? What are state schools like in your area?

I voted Labour,an generally left leaning.However if my DC could have gone privately ,they would have in a heart beat! I would consider this seriously .There are lots of us who would love this chance!

you can compromise and have your child go to the local primary school then go to the private school if he passes that stage entrance exam. private school will always take pupils at any stage. at the same time, ask your husband to save the money needed for school fees in a separate account so if your ex runs into financial difficulties when your son attends the fee paying school then there will be funds available to help. when he says that he will find the money somehow to pay the fees, how is he going to pay the maintenance required for the ds from now till he leaves school??

What are the state schools like round your way? That has to be a consideration.

He won't grow up entitled. You could agree to go to the open days to see what you think once there. Or you could start him at state school and agree to review it later. I honestly think my son's state schooling reception - Year 2 was pretty much perfect, I wouldn't have found much better by paying for it.

You're letting your prejudice harm your son.

As another poster said above you need to compare school with school not just have some generalised ideal about state v private. You need to have a rational discussion on the pros and cons of x school v y.

there are many significant funding challenges in state at the moment. I am in an outstanding state primary but I’m not blind to the challenges especially behavioural in the school due to the approach of our county to automatically reject requests for sen funding. I can imagine some primaries are really suffering right now. You might also find that private provides better wrap-around which would help you as a single parent. Conversely if you have friends and neighbours going to a local school that network could also be very useful to you.

Why is it harming her son? Private schools are not necessarily always better. It really depends on the child and what will be the best fit for them.

If you can both afford it, but only he wants it, some straightforward conversations need to be had.

It also depends on the school. I agree that you need to visit both state and private schools and see which you think is the best fit for your child. Some private schools are great, so are some state schools. The opposite is also true.

I think compromise is necessary from both of you.

I'd suggest you both go to some open days - state and private. See what you think. But try not to have pre-conceived ideas about either.