To send this new mum a gift?

[AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit]

I (female) have been close friends with a former colleague (male is this city) for nearly 15 years. We haven't worked together for over a decade and see less of one another since he moved around two hours away to live with a new partner a couple of years ago. I've met his partner twice and we got on perfectly well but obviously aren't as close. They have just welcomed their first child, he returns to work after two weeks paternity leave on Monday.

I sent a new baby welcome gift of posh coffee, a comforter for baby and luxury shower cream and some chocolate for mum. Just dairy milk, nothing fancy. I've also got a card and bar of chocolate planning to send it to arrive Wednesday as a "you're doing great mama!" pick me up during her first week at home alone with the baby. A different friend has just told me this is a really weird thing to do and I'll look batshit. Really? Is this not just a thoughtful gesture?

YABU - Don't send a card and chocolate you absolute weirdo
YANBU - Your friend is the weird one, send the gift!

I think it might be a bit much if you're close to him not her and have already sent a baby gift?

Sending a gift is generally always a nice thing to do. If it’s taken strangely, then that’s on them!

(and if she doesn’t want it, feel free to send it to me!)

I think an initial gift is fine. The second gift is a little odd if you aren’t in touch because you don’t know how it is all going and the wording on the card stands out a bit to me because I have friends who have had PND and that card would probably have not been received in the way intended - I guess you could ask the partner on Monday how he thinks she would feel about the second gift and take it from there.

Perhaps I might have to take the risk of being her DP's batshit friend. I had such an awful time postpartum, but it was March 2020 and my DH was crap and not furloughed, so a little something like that would have meant the world. I'm not planning on doing things like this repeatedly and slipping into stalker territory...

The second gift is odd since you’ve only met her twice in person and aren’t close enough to actually talk to her to see how she is doing.

I mean I'd probably think it's a bit weird if I was here but at the same time I wouldn't be disappointed to receive chocolate 😂

I’d think it was odd. Why not send a gift to them both?

Yeah, no please don't send the second one! The first one sounds lovely.

You don't need to send a second gift. Eat it yourself watching Glastonbury tonight.

"you're doing great mama!"

I think this is naff.

Yes, it's weird. You barely know her.

The first one is a lovely gift. I'd drop the second, it's a bit weird from a slight acquaintance.

Your first gift - nice touch

This:
I've also got a card and bar of chocolate planning to send it to arrive Wednesday as a "you're doing great mama!" pick me up during her first week at home alone with the baby is weird. You don't know her. You don't know she's doing great. If she's not doing great a bar of chocolate and a card from someone random could set her off. Leave it to her actual friends to help get her through this bit.

I really need some wierd, bat shit friends in my life. Who wouldn't love a new mum gift containing chocolate! I think its a great idea op. Having a baby is overwhelming, lonely and life changing, it's nice to know that someone is thinking of her.

I think it’s weird. You don’t know her and you sent her chocolate already.

Ahhh. Yes I'm similar. It was crap wasn't it. But it seems to have warped your understanding of what a new mum needs and from whom.

Yes that would have been me in the depths of my pnd if I'd recieved such a card. Other people who do "got it mama" might feel patronised.

No it's not. It can be weird and uncomfortable

You can’t tell someone ‘you’re doing great mama’ if you’re not close enough to know that she is doing okay. I would find it patronising and tokenisatic to receive that from someone I didn’t know, if you don’t know anything about how parenting is going for her then you don’t know she’s doing great.

If you are going to send the chocolate at least re-word the message you send with it!

The second gift is unnecessary and as you don’t know her, I don’t think it would actually have the desired effect. If I received a card that said “you’re doing great mama” from someone I didn’t know well, it would just feel a bit generic and not that I’m actually doing well. I think that sentiment needs to come from a friend or relative to be honest for it to mean something and actually make the mum feel like she’s doing well.

Whilst this is well intended, it is a step too far. My advice would be not to do this.

Yes this is very true!

I think I would have been so confused and probably feel quite awkward if any of DH's ex colleagues had given me something to mark his return to the office. It's weirdly intimate from someone who's not my friend. If you want to get something, surely it would be better for you to give it to your friend?!

Also, I was quite glad when my DH went back to the office. I liked the baby days by myself!

This is MN, right weird about some things in recent years🙄

its a nice thing to do, but I'd go with a different message in case she is struggling. More along the lines of 'Hope you're doing well, it's not easy adjusting'

and 'mama' really 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️