To send this new mum a gift?

[AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit]

I (female) have been close friends with a former colleague (male is this city) for nearly 15 years. We haven't worked together for over a decade and see less of one another since he moved around two hours away to live with a new partner a couple of years ago. I've met his partner twice and we got on perfectly well but obviously aren't as close. They have just welcomed their first child, he returns to work after two weeks paternity leave on Monday.

I sent a new baby welcome gift of posh coffee, a comforter for baby and luxury shower cream and some chocolate for mum. Just dairy milk, nothing fancy. I've also got a card and bar of chocolate planning to send it to arrive Wednesday as a "you're doing great mama!" pick me up during her first week at home alone with the baby. A different friend has just told me this is a really weird thing to do and I'll look batshit. Really? Is this not just a thoughtful gesture?

YABU - Don't send a card and chocolate you absolute weirdo
YANBU - Your friend is the weird one, send the gift!

Usually I scoff at MN for its famous "it's weird to do <insert perfectly normal action>" but this, this op, is weird and very familiar for someone you've met twice.

The first gift was lovely. Leave it there imo.

The first gift was very thoughtful, there’s no need to send another.

More than naff, it's quite patronising. I can't imagine a woman would welcome such a gift from someone she barely knows.

Has everybody misread it?

She's not going to say "you're doing great, mama"

She says she is sending the gift in the vein of that message.

She's not actually saying or typing that exact message.

She has sent an initial congrats on the birth of the baby gift.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with sending a small minding now that paternity leave is over and the woman is on her own.

As long as there is absolutely no indication of anything going on between you and her partner, I don't see how it could be received badly.

But what if she’s not doing great? You’ve only met a couple of times and don’t have the relationship for this. The first gift is more than enough, this second one is a bit much. I understand you had a lockdown baby and found things hard, but your experience and her experience won’t necessarily be the same. I’m sure you’re coming from a well intentioned place, but I really wouldn’t. It’s a little bit overfamiliar and if I were her I’d start to question your motivations.

And if she's not OPs friend, how does she know she's doing great?

I've also got a card and bar of chocolate planning to send it to arrive Wednesday as a "you're doing great mama!"

Oh God no, please don't.

The thought comes from a lovely place (I get that) but it's going to sound SO false.

You'll have no idea whether she's 'doing great mama' or not, will you?

The first present was a lovely thought, just leave it at that.

This.

The first gift was a lovely thought but the second one is TOO much. Your own experience has nothing to do with her.

"As long as there is absolutely no indication of anything going on between you and her partner, I don't see how it could be received badly."

When I had PND (oh, I did go a bit crazy I admit), an extra gift from a woman DP worked with 10 years ago who doesn't appear to see much of DP would have given me an indication, whether true or not and it would have absolutely eaten away at me.

Would have been my issue I know.

Still think it's bloody weird. Friends look out for each other and stop each other doing daft things, please listen to your pal 😬

No this is too much and too try hard for someone you barely know.
Do you do this for anyone you’ve met a couple of times who has had a baby? And if not why this woman? It looks performative and since you don’t know her it’s for him you are doing it I assume? So he’ll think how great you are? I would be uncomfortable with this like you are using me to big yourself up to my partner.

' you're doing great Mama '

well of course I was ! I found being a Mummy very easy - I had a dd that liked to sleep ! lots and lots !

so I don't need one of my Husband's former colleagues telling me I am doing well - how patronising ! as I wouldn't have found that a supportive message,
If it's another bar of dairy milk, it would be going in the fridge and my husband would eat it at some point - I prefer galaxy :)

"since you don’t know her it’s for him you are doing it I assume? So he’ll think how great you are?"

I think this comment nails it.

As you have already sent a gift I don't think you need to send anything else..
If she was a close friend I think it would be a nice gesture but as you don't really know her it seems overkill and a little odd

I like this message, it's thoughtful but not over familiar.

My best friend made me a care package and she was the only one in the early days to ask how I was adjusting. I think its a lovely idea tbh!

If someone sent me that I'd be chuffed and really touched

First gift is lovely.

A second gift would be strange IMO, yes people like to receive gifts but you barely know her and to be quite honest I would be suspicious you were having an affair or something with my husband if some woman I barely knew sent me a second gift.

Yes, but that was your best friend so presumably you know her and she knows you very well. OP does not know this lady. She has met her twice. I probably have a more meaningfull relationship with the guy on the tills at Aldi than OP has with this lady. Let's not forget she hasn't actually worked with the male friend for over a decade so yeah, I would say it's overstepping. First gift was nice, second would be a bit strange.

Yes, I wasn't sending those exact words. It was more a short message to send good wishes and hopefully a little pick me up after the initial new baby excitement from others has passed. I was planning to do it as an act of kindness, in the hope it was received as such, to a new mum. I've done the same thing for every new mum I know since I had my own and it was for her, not for him, but perhaps the extra distance makes it likely to go wrong. I won't send it, although I'm a little sad that most people wouldn't view it as a nice thing to receive even if unexpected or a bit over familiar.

I think it’s very thoughtful and I’d have loved it. I was so down after DD was born that when someone sent me a box of chocolates I could have cried that they’d thought to send me something as well as the baby. New mums are so often overlooked.

Ah you should ignore mumsnet! Half the posters on here don't open their front doors to unexpected visitors and worry about leaving their clothes hanging up outside at night!

I think it's a really thoughtful idea x

You’ve done this for every new mum you’ve known? Even the ones you’ve only met twice? You must buy a lot of chocolate!

Or some of us just think it a bit odd to receive a gift from someone we have only met twice when they already sent a gift.

I would actually think the gift would be for my DH instead of me in these circumstances or for both of us, not just me.

First gift is great, the second one is strange. Don't do it.

@AllTheUsernamesLeftAreShit

Your plan for sending a second gift comes from a lovely kind place, but please trust me when I say it isn't the right thing to do for someone you don't know well and have met twice.

If one of my husband's colleagues/friends did this for me as a new mum, I would find it at best, a nice but misplaced gesture from an over-enthusiastic person and at worst, a bit creepy.

Please don't do this, and I say this from a kind place.

You sound like a lovely kind person so please don't take this as a criticism, I am genuinely trying to help. X

The first gift is lovely. Given your lack of genuine connection to the new mum, I wouldn't send the second.

I'm pretty touchy; chuck rampant hormones in the mix and it might not be pretty. Given that you don't know in what spirit your gift and especially the card - thoughtful though the sentiment is - may be received, it's a bit of a bold move. You don't know this woman well enough to know what could put her back up, and that's before you add in being a new mother. Your friend is right.

You sound very kind and thought though!