To ask how to help elderly parent on other side of country

[Bewilderedandpowerless]

My dad and I are not close and have never enjoyed a close relationship- but we see each other once a year and sometimes chat on the phone.

I found out yesterday that he is not well; I spoke to his neighbour on the phone. He is confused and not making sense apparently. The neighbour has been to the doctor with him but not a lot was done - he is physically ok but is saying things that are clearly not true and wandering the neighbourhood. I know this via the neighbour.

I’m afraid I can’t just drop everything and drive over there - it’s hours away and I have young children.

I just don’t know what I can actually do. I can’t expect the neighbour to sit with my dad till all hours. It’s not really an ambulance situation either - so who do I call? Really desperate to know how to proceed. TIA

I'd call the police or ambulance if he's wandering and confused. He's a danger to himself. Hopefully the lovely neighbour would offer to stay with him if its safe until help arrives

Ring their social services, it wont be staffed on weekends but will bounce to an emergency duty team where a social worker can possibly help advise.

Did they check him for a UTI?

They can cause all sorts of problems in OAPs.

I mean this gently, but I think in this situation you're going to have to go to him. He needs someone to take him to the GP/urgent care and make sure he gets properly assessed and treats if needed. He's a danger to himself and possibly others (if he's wandering onto roads and such) and if the police attend it's likely they'll be in touch with you anyway. You can't just leave it all to his neighbour.

Thank you for replies. I think the neighbour (who is also a friend) enquired about an ambulance but was told 6 hours. There’s no way he could guarantee that my dad would even wait for it though - he might go out (and the neighbour couldn’t physically stop him!).

Will try the social services route but not hopeful because it’s the weekend 🤷‍♀️

@Questionablemouse There’s no way I can go. My husband is away and I have a baby and a toddler! What use could I possibly be?!

Your presence will almost certainly be needed at some point soon so now is the time to plan the logistics. Are there any other family members on your dad's side?

He's your dad. Who else does he have to advocate for him?

I think you're going to have to set aside some time to and see him, get the ball rolling in terms of a GP assessment/appt, social services assessment etc.

You could be a lot of use, honestly.

Taking him to appointments. Making sure he gets his medication, making sure he's eating and drinking. Talking to social services in person. Assessing his living conditions. Advocating for him.

I know it's hard and probably feels impossible but I do think you need to find a way to be there.

I can plan to go and see him in the coming days, yes, with childcare in place. I’m just thinking about this weekend in particular- as in, is there any official medical help that isn’t an ambulance? What can I organise for him from afar, is what I’m really asking. Even if I went there, I have no medical know-how and can’t physically make him get in a car to go to hospital (he is not keen).

Where is your dad atm, is he inside.

I’m looking to advocate for him. That’s why I need to know who to contact.

You could put your children in the car and go down there to sort things out OP

I would contact his GP first off.

OP this is going to be incredibly hard, I would also go over and look at the Elderly Parents forum, they were a life saver for me a few years back.

Elderly Parents

He’s in his house with a friend. He does have quite a few friends as he’s always been quite sociable. And the neighbour has a key. But he needs medical assessment really.

Thank you for this. Very helpful indeed.

Do you drive? Then you put the kids in the car and go. You can’t expect neighbour to do it all.

Then he needs to see a paramedic or doctor so it's either wait for the ambulance or ring 111 who will either arrange an ambulance or a doctor call back.

This. And ideally the person ringing needs to be with him so they can accurately answer the questions.

I think you’re trying to be helpful but it’s coming across as not that helpful.

I started this thread to find out the practicalities of who to contact to get professional help. There are people there with him now who can keep him safe, to a point (as in to the same point I’d be able to) but he needs a social services-type assessment.

It would not help if I were to put a 5-month old baby and a three year old in a car and undertake a 4.5 hour ( not counting stops to feed/nappy-change) drive to a house that a) is probably in a right state and b) has none of the facilities we’d need. We’d arrive late in the evening with a screaming baby and a starving toddler. Why are you suggesting this? My day is already very stressful without your judgy input.

I’m specifically looking to see how I can help from afar this weekend.

Ring 111 for advice.

Of course you can't drop everything and go op, it's unrealistic to expect you to.
Call Age UK, see if the local Social Services has a crisis team. Does his GP clinic have a weekend triage?
Once everything is settle then he obviously needs moving to more suitable accommodation.

You either cut him off completely or you go and see what's going on.
Sorry there isn't some magic remedy. Someone needs to be looking out for him. .
I'm genuinely not judging

OP, fear not, you're doing the right stuff. There will most certainly be a number for social services, usually a Mon - Fri contact centre who will help. They will have an on call for weekends but they're unlikely to assist unless in an emergency.

Thanks for the suggestions. I’m guessing 111 is my only hope really. But I won’t be able to answer any detailed questions. I was hoping there might be a social services emergency route but that’s looking unlikely.

At the moment he probably needs medical help, they can assess him, take him to hospital if he needs that. Social services do have an emergency duty social worker who may see him but if he is acutely confused they would call an ambulance anyway. Have his friends actually called 111 or the ambulance service yet.

Have you got POA in place (not necessarily to be used now) but ready for the future?