To ask how to help elderly parent on other side of country

[Bewilderedandpowerless]

My dad and I are not close and have never enjoyed a close relationship- but we see each other once a year and sometimes chat on the phone.

I found out yesterday that he is not well; I spoke to his neighbour on the phone. He is confused and not making sense apparently. The neighbour has been to the doctor with him but not a lot was done - he is physically ok but is saying things that are clearly not true and wandering the neighbourhood. I know this via the neighbour.

I’m afraid I can’t just drop everything and drive over there - it’s hours away and I have young children.

I just don’t know what I can actually do. I can’t expect the neighbour to sit with my dad till all hours. It’s not really an ambulance situation either - so who do I call? Really desperate to know how to proceed. TIA

What do you mean ‘cut him off completely’? I’m obviously not going to do that? We don’t have the sort of relationship where he’d even expect me to go and see him. I’m just trying to do what I can from here because he’s my dad.

Medical agencies will all be on the premise that a family member or friend can assist him to appointments. The only emergency alternative would be a&e/ringing for an ambulance. Childless elderly people do in fact often have to do just this (or ambulances are rung by the postman/a neighbour etc who finds them in a bad way). Its the same issue with bed blocking - the system assumes basic level of care can be provided by family/friends, and where this isn't the case, medically well elderly people can block hospital beds when there's no one to provide that care.

Your other option is to arrange daily carers to visit in his home. If will be expensive and take some time to coordinate.

When we've had family that we can't get to in this situation we've had to call for welfare checks. Longer term he needs assessment from social services and you have to be very careful about letting them assume that you can give practical help when you can't.

I wouldn't bring your kids on a journey of that length to deal with a situation like this on your own.

This is why most people have to arrange for an elderly parent to move nearer them - its near impossible to coordinate the help needed remotely.

She doesn't have to do any of that though does she. On all the threads where people are collapsing with the stress of elderly parents they are told to drop the rope.
He should have fostered a better relationship with her.

Ignore people they are just being arses, they just post the opposite of what the op says for some reason or just can't fathom that someone has a different relationship with a parent than they do.

Ask the neighbour to ring 999 for an ambulance. The hospital should be able to contact adult social services and start that ball rolling.

My kids are my priority and I’m not doing that to them. I’ve explained why.

Thank you for all the constructive suggestions- am working through these now.

I have worked in out of hours services. In my area it would be a call to 111 and probably a GP home visit to assess whether he needs hospital admission ( possible delirium if new confusion).

If he’s unable to cope at home by himself at present you could call and ambulance and get him admitted to A&E as a social admission. Probably best to do it via 111 as not an emergency as such. He may well get sent home with support from rapid response if they have a service in his area. 111 may also be able to get rapid response in place for him from home. You can usually get referred to them via the GP, but that probably wouldn’t happen over the weekend. Social care of the police often also offer telecare such as monitors for the home and GPS trackers for those at risk of wandering. Though wouldn’t be able to get this in place quickly, it’s probably something to think about for the future.

If he is confused, wandering and clearly unsafe someone just needs to call 111 or 999. He may have an infection that is easily treated. I don't think there's any alternative really.

Please ignore the people suggesting you put a baby and a toddler in a car. Clearly that’s not an option.
I’d ask the neighbour to ring 999 or 111 depending how urgently they think he needs help. Someone needs to see him and ambulance staff are wonderful! They can also make contact with the emergency social service teams if that’s what he needs.
Very stressful for you. You are absolutely right that your babies are your priority. Good luck.

Have you got power of attorney? If he is confused because of an infection (UTIs very often cause this in the elderly) then when it is cleared up and you do see him this needs to be a priority. It can be done online. If he has possible dementia you cannot do this .
Make, register or end a lasting power of attorney: Overview - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
In the meantime the quickest way to get social services involved is for him to be admitted to hospital. Unfortunately this will involve you relying on the neighbour again to make sure he gets in the ambulance. Say that he has an infection and needs treatment as it is making him confused.

It is also possible given recent hot weather that he is confused because he has got dehydrated- elderly men often avoid drinking due to prostate issues.

The ward will have a person who will co-ordinate with social care.
On discharge they used to set up some care for 2 weeks (do not know if this still happens). But you might want to look at local at home care providers. If you are prepared to say where he is maybe someone on here can recommend a good care agency.

You need to sort out a keysafe for his property so carers or emergency services can get in. You can buy one from amazon and take a drill with you to fit it to the wall when you go
Key Safe Box Code Lock-Storage Key Box Outdoor Wall Mounted Security Password Key Box 4 Combination Code Key Storage Lock Box(grey) : Amazon.co.uk: Stationery & Office Supplies

Is he eating properly- can he feed himself? Maybe look at a meals delivery service from somewhere like Wiltshire Farm foods. Carers will microwave a meal and make sure it is eaten but not prepare from scratch. Or you can batch cook and freeze- I did- it does not take that long - make wet stuff like bolognese or chicken stew and put some cooked veg in.

You should also contact his GP and see if they will visit. If not they should still be made aware of the change in his circumstances

In the slightly longer term, contact adult social services for his area, and his own GP

It could well be a UTI, so he needs a urine dip. UTIs can do all sorts of weird things to the elderly - confusion, aggression, to name a couple.

Who, if not you, should go and see him?
I know you say you can't drop everything, and I understand that some people do need more time to process before making a trip with children, but unless he has other relatives then hasn't this ever crossed your mind?
Have you never thought what would I do if such and such happened to dad?

Why do you feel that he wouldn't expect you to go and see him? You say you aren't close, so possibly this is why, but it seems like you feel you can manage this situation from afar, ie communicating with health and social services without going there.

If that is what you are willing to do, then it really is a case of having to say that you are unwilling to be involved in any way. Because it's a case of you following up and making sure what needs to be done is being done, but by others, not you. It's not nothing, it's not completely abandoning your dad, but when it comes down to it, if you aren't ever going to be available to take to a check up, collect from hospital or any other minor thing, then people need to know this.

I mean this really kindly. He’s your dad. In an emergency you really do need to put children in the car and go. My children were almost exactly the same age when my own dad became very ill and I can’t tell you how many times I had to drop everything and drive there with children in tow. Or find emergency childcare for at least one of the children.

111 are unlikely to speak to you if you’re not with “the patient”.

I know this is very hard but unless you have siblings it’s you who needs to be there and make sure your Dad is safe right now.

I really do understand how hard this is, I have been there. I had a close relationship with my dad so it probably felt different but the bottom line is that we are the first line of responsibility for our parents when they’re old or unwell (if they don’t have a partner).

Age UK may also be able to help.

But OP, none of these things will be easy or quick to organise.

Since when was putting kids into a car not making them priority? Can kids not be taken out anymore? I bet if you were going on holiday you would travel with them.
It’s the weekend- nothing is going to happen unless someone makes it happen and that means someone advocating for your Dad and that person needs to be in same room as him. Doesn’t necessarily have to be you but that means you have to step back and let whoever is with him take charge.
I might sound harsh but it is what it is and having gone through looking after both elderly parents for the last 15years ( while looking after my own kids) sometimes we have to do things we aren’t happy doing.
Emergencies happen and plans change.

It's really disappointing to see so many people telling OP she needs to go.

What would happen if he did not have a daughter? Or if she was NC?

If she doesn't feel able to go, no one should be guilting or shaming her into going.

OP, I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice but I hope you get things sorted for your Dad 💐

It's irrelevant to say what if... Because he does have a daughter and they're not NC.

If he didn't have anyone I'm guessing he'd either be found collapsed at home by someone or wander the streets until someone rang for help for him.

When my mother got taken into hospital on a weekend, (she was my father's carer), there wasn't anything to put in place, social services were 9 to 5 Monday to Friday. My dad had dementia and a fitted catheter . He wasn't an emergency but couldn't look after himself. As a previous poster says you either step back or step up. You can put things in place gradually moving forward but there isn't anything you can do immediately apart from go to him. If you can't or won't then so be it. As a pp suggested though it sounds likely to be a UTI they can come on pretty quickly and make people behave very bizarrely.

Thank you for this. Really helpful. He has the key safe - done for him by a friend this week.

Can he safely be left home alone today/tonight?

Call the local safeguarding team (his local council website will have the number) and talk to them. They will advise what to do in the immediate term if he can’t be left safely tonight.

I had. a close relationship with my dad so it probably felt different but the bottom line is that we are the first line of responsibility for our parents when they’re old or unwell (if they don’t have a partner).

It is different then. I’m not the first line of responsibility.

I don’t have a close relationship with my dad. I think some people are cross with me because of the care they provided for their parents.

To be clear, I was specifically interested in what could be done from afar - as in, what agencies could be contacted etc. Thanks so much for those helpful suggestions people have been making.

I get that this is AIBU but I only posted for traffic. I am not interested in people’s views about whether I should or shouldn’t go. I won’t be going.

I am satisfied that he is safe with a friend there. What I wanted to know was what balls I can get rolling in terms of something to address his health. Yes, I will visit him when I can but no I won’t take two tiny children cross country with no bed for them to sleep in when they get there 🙄What mother would?!

I care about him but I have boundaries. He was not there for me, well, ever, tbh. I have a casual friendship type relationship with him now. That’s it. I’ve been through crises and it would not really occur to me to even tell him because he’s never been the kind of parent to hrlp. I want to hrlp now, within reason, because I don’t want him to suffer. But he’s set up a life where I’m not really a part of it.

So it’s not the same.

Some seriously silly responses on this thread...

The OP lives hours away and currently has the sole responsibility of young children.

She can't just get in a car and drive. Her own family is her priority.

Plus people seem to be ignoring the point that the OP does not have a close relationship with her father.

Anyway due to the fact that she does not live close by the OP wouldn't be able to keep dealing with emergencies or provide care in the long term, and it is very unlikely that she wants to as she is not emotionally close to her parent.

So the best thing now that there is a crisis is to involve social services so they are fully aware that her father lives on his own, that family cannot provide regular support and that they will need to provide support as his health is now failing.

The elderly parents board is full of women who were guilt tripped into taking on the care of elderly parents and can't cope physically or mentally.

The OP is not a healthcare professional either and the best place for her father to be at the moment might be a hospital when he can be properly assessed and social services can get involved.

OP, I completely get it by the way. My mother was a manipulative, abusive woman who did not take care of my physical and mental health when I was a child and that left me with lifelong mental and physical issues. Would I take care of her now that she is elderly? not a chance! what goes around comes around.