To ask how to help elderly parent on other side of country

[Bewilderedandpowerless]

My dad and I are not close and have never enjoyed a close relationship- but we see each other once a year and sometimes chat on the phone.

I found out yesterday that he is not well; I spoke to his neighbour on the phone. He is confused and not making sense apparently. The neighbour has been to the doctor with him but not a lot was done - he is physically ok but is saying things that are clearly not true and wandering the neighbourhood. I know this via the neighbour.

I’m afraid I can’t just drop everything and drive over there - it’s hours away and I have young children.

I just don’t know what I can actually do. I can’t expect the neighbour to sit with my dad till all hours. It’s not really an ambulance situation either - so who do I call? Really desperate to know how to proceed. TIA

Thank you for understanding x

It's not irrelevant to say that you don't have to feel an obligation to help someone just because you're a blood relative.

It's wonderful that so many people have close relationships with their family members. Those people should be grateful for their circumstances and not judge others who don't have close relationships.

No one has responsible for their parents, unless they choose to be.

I know this will be an unpopular opinion but don’t get in the car with the kids. If you had wanted to do that you would have done that already.

You can call 111 for medical
assistance for new confusion, you can call the duty social worker for crisis management, you can call the police if he goes wondering the neighbourhood and is at risk of getting lost and/or dehydrated. If he is a vulnerable adult they will safeguard him.

The main question to ask yourself is this situation/behaviour is new or old. Has it just started this week? Could he have had a stroke? Or has this been a slow decline and likely to be dementia or cognitive impairment over recent weeks/months.

The neighbour needs to call 111. If they can't help, ask the police to come and do a welfare check.

It was the police who took MIL to hospital when she went wandering in the early hours.

Have you checked the website of his local authority ? Most have an out of hours helpline for social care. Not always easily navigated , you might need to search a few phrases such as : out of hours social care / carers in crisis . Their only answer might be to dial 999 for an ambulance depending on whether they have any space in a care home etc but they can help.

This happened to me with my widowed MIL who was 350 miles away and I was a full time carer for my disabled H so like you it was completely impractical to put him in a car and drive for 6 + hours etc. etc. and have no where suitable when we got there. The out of hours service was able to help and provide a stop gap until we could get better organised with the GP etc. on the Monday.

Good luck , I understand the stress you are under to get things sorted and it’s good at least a neighbour has been looking out for your dad but I totally agree your DC are your absolute priority.

111 is probably best now, and perhaps see if neighbour would agree to accept a call back.

I’ve made arrangements to help my mother and my aunt from a distance with social services/adult social care, OT , district nurses, GP, including quite a lot this year. but years ago for my aunt I remember all the phone calls to organise a care home with children almost the same ages as yours. I couldn’t go, I did it by phone.

There are things that can be done from a distance, by email, phone and online if the current situation doesn’t resolve eg if he’s having a small stroke or infection and gets better. He can give permission for you to speak to people even if you don’t have powere of attorney organised yet . Power of attorney only kicks in if he doesn’t have capacity for the particular decision he is being asked to make. He can have capacity and choose for you to contact people, so that’s a different thing.
hope he gets better soon

Ok.
As someone who is 'the neighbour ' in a similar situation - I strongly suggest she calls an ambulance.
They will come out. They probably won't take him anywhere, but most paramedics are highly trained, astute and experienced.
They will (hopefully) be able to assess the level of immediate need ie this weekend, and advise accordingly.
They can contact other support services if appropriate - social services/mental health teams have a 24 hour emergency on call service.
I hope you can get him some help this weekend.
If not - contact his local social services dept first thing on Monday morning.
Good Luck.
(It's a big responsibility being 'the neighbour'. Scary too. Stay in touch with her - for her sake, as well as his).

Much much sympathy . Having gone through this for over a decade in the past with a baby and toddler in tow . I wouldn’t recommend it in any way . There are no agencies or safety net even if they live round the corner in a emergency. I can tell you as the stark reality . It’s on relatives , neighbours until a plan can be put in place by SS with you as next of kin driving it along every step of the way . I often wondered what happens to the poor souls with no one to advocate for them . Decent social care is non existent in this country. The system is totally broken . It is stressful . You actually will be doing your father a favour by not rushing there most likely at this point in time. . The elderly parents forum is invaluable for help & advice . Sounds like a uti - he probably needs admitting to hospital. 111 will be the starting point of not an emergency and there will be an out of hours of GP / paramedic service if not an ambulance . On a good day they will be with you in 3 hours . I’m sorry you’re in this situation .

Any update, is he okay and been seen by a paramedic or doctor yet.

Can you Google if there is a service in your dad's area called rapid response team/admission avoidance team/ something along those lines. If your dad doesn't have any care needs (ie can make his own meals, do all his own personal care etc) he may not qualify but they exist to provide temporary care to keep people out of hospital.

Yes this, ring an ambulance. Co fusion could be because he's had a stroke so he needs to be seen asap.

Frankly there is no requirement for you to sort his care later in life. Don’t presume you have to if you’re not close. Only do it if you want to.

Hey OP, I could almost have written this last weekend. My elderly father had 2 falls and I'm 5-6 hrs away (he moved away, not me) with a husband doing 12hr shifts and 2 youngish kids. We also aren't really that close, I like him but he wasn't really present in a truly parental way from when I was about 9.

Its bloody tough, I feel guilty and like I should help but logistically its genuinely difficult and disruptive. Not to mention I have a responsible job and other elderly relatives who are more important to me (MIL widowed 6 weeks ago and my elderly mother).

Luckily he has a very kind neighbour who called 111 and then an ambulance. It took 31hrs to get him into a hospital bed but he was well looked after in that time. I travelled when I could Monday -Wednesday this week. Not sure what I'll do going forward though as this is likely to reoccur. Arghhhh. (Also it cost me £££s).

Basically I feel your pain!!

It sounds like it could be a UTI, dementia or stroke. If you're not close do you know if anyone has his health POA - another relative or friend perhaps? Do you know who his GP is? It's good the neighbours have your contact details but do beware of SS leaning on you to provide care.

My 90yo NDN broke her hip and a hospital stay and evaluation, allocation of a social worker to manage her to a safe discharge with OT evaluation of her home and carers coming in. But it'll probably only take another bad fall and she'd have to go into a local nursing home. She has extended family who are her age or older, not local and not in a position to help her as they're frail themselves.

Sorry you are going through this op and I hope the services you need step up for him and you 💐

You only need to help if you want to/are able to. Don't listen to the people saying you should drop everything and drive 6 hours. Some people can't understand people having different relationships to parents than theirs.

I wouldn’t be going wild and breaking my back like some posters are suggesting. But I have 2 under 3 so am in the same sleep deprived boat 😅

as well as contacting the usual support services…

If he is prone to wandering I’d def buy some AirTags and attach them to various things he is likely to have on him if he goes off on an adventure.

You can get AirTag holders for shoes for example.
maybe shoes, one in his wallet, his coat and one stick on his phone. It’s not foolproof but for £100 or so it may save a lot of hassle.
the neighbour could potentially set it up if you ask nicely and pay for it / have it posted to them.

This!

In addition to sorting LPOA, it’s worth checking whether his GP practice has a system in place where they can speak to you regarding your parents health. Mine does and I have it in place for both parents.

It means I can speak to their GP about symptoms, treatment and also get clarity if my parents done understand or remember something from a GP or hospital visit (my parents GP surgery will also discuss hospital appointments with me).

Call your local council and ask for Adult Social Care. Explain the situation - they’ll have taken calls from people like you a million times.

Good luck - my parents retired to the other side of the country and it is hard.

Thanks again for all the constructive advice. We’ve gone done the 111 route, supported by the local friend. He is now in hospital and we are getting through the admin for the adult care via the local council. It will take a while but at least it’s underway and he’s where he needs to be for now.

I'm glad he's being cared for in hospital. Hopefully he'll be discharged into respite care, and ultimately have a permanent care home place of that's what's needed.

Good luck with it all. In my MIL's case, it all happened quite seamlessly, and wasn't too onerous for my SIL, admin-wise (she and I both lived 2/2.5 hours away.

That's great he's in hospital, they can investigate his confusion. He will be assessed and they can look at where he should be discharged to and with what level of care. Give them your contact details but tell them you live away and limit the amount of help you can give but don't take on anything you can't manage. The same goes for the friend too. Is he living in his own home, it may need a clean while he's in hospital and any outstanding bills paid.

Great news , he is now safe and being looked after which takes huge pressure off you. Time to breath and it can now be sorted via phone / e mail so you can make proper arrangements with your home responsibilities before you have to travel.

Thank goodness for that. I'm glad you've got the ball rolling, you can have a bit of peace tonight.