Holiday tomorrow and already feeling pretty anxious

[SkylarkDay]

As the title says, I struggle with holidays. Not so bad with a couple of nights in the UK but off to Italy tomorrow. I know I should realise how lucky I am but I’m not feeling it and just feel apprehensive and stressed. DH & DD (18) like travelling. I use to travel abroad an awful lot for work years ago, and now I’m in my 50s would prefer to stay home or do occasional nights away in the UK.

I find the pre-holiday packing, getting the house ready to leave and leaving the animals at cattery etc is unbelievably stressful. Managed to avoid them the last few years due to the pandemic and then our two very elderly dogs were too creaky to leave. Sadly lost both my dogs this last 6 months and not got any more yet.

Generally on holiday I miss all my home comforts, my proper comfortable bed and routine. Don’t like leaving my pets, husband has ADHD so each morning he wants a list of where/what we are doing, and I get no time alone to recharge. I’m pretty sensitive to crowded busy places too these days. From home I do love doing day trips and getting out to see/explore things, especially when we had the dogs as I love walking, but I generally like to come home at night, although odd nights at UK hotels/Airbnb is fine. The only time my husband and I ever argue is on holiday because although he’s great, he totally exhausts me!!

Just wondering if anyone else feels this. Everybody else I know seems to love going away so I feel a bit of a freak! 😕

Next time, why don't you let DD AND DH go? Sounds like you don't enjoy it. Or can you be tougher with your DH about your down time. I have ADHD but would never inflict 'my ways' on a partner on holiday.

If you hate them that much, could they not go away together without you? I wouldn't want to go away with my partner if he hated travelling so much - it would bring me down.

Yep I also hate holidays with family and don't find them relaxing. The organisation, the packing, the change in routine. Everything. My dream is to go away on my own somewhere quiet. Could you explain your feelings to your son and husband and come up with a plan that works. Such as they go out sightseeing and you stay at a coffee shop with a book. Meet for dinner?

Tell him part of what he's doing on his daily itinerary is going off somewhere with your son while you find a nice quiet cafe or bar to sit in and read or relax

Holidays are supposed to be fun, what can you do to make it better?

And like another poster saud, they could go away alone occasionally leaving you in blissful peace 😁

Why are you doing something you're unhappy about? Just don't go. They can go and enjoy it, you stay home and enjoy it. Win win.

Depending on where you live in the UK, one way to make holidays more enjoyable is not having to fly. From London on Eurostar and with connections there are plenty of train based options.

Doesn't solve the packing concerns though I acknowledge. Your DH and DD going without you is reasonable for some holidays too.

@BlondeFool I have done this a few times, but it’s got to the point now where they’re both wanting us to all go away together. Feels like it’s time I’ve got to take one for the team, but I hate the anxiety I get! I’m already just focusing on when we’re coming home. 🙄

Don't do any packing for them
Don't make the lists/ itineraries - let them work it out if they wanted to go on the holiday! Stop being a martyr

I get stressed going on holiday, mainly because there’s so much to do. I find lists are really helpful. We don’t holiday abroad anymore as we have a dog, who comes with us in the uk, but that’s another thing to stress about. I do relax on holiday and know it’s important to DH and adult DS who comes with us. We are away next week and I am better this time as DS 2 is staying at home with sensible GF, so I won’t worry about the house so much.

I sometimes find getting the house ready beforehand a bit stressful as someone usually comes to stay to look after pets, but other than that I do love going away once I've left. Had a fabulous holiday in Italy once, one of my best.

Next time the other two could go without you, but this time you should just do what you want once there, not feel that you have to go everywhere with them if it's too much for you. Let them go out for a day alone and sit somewhere reading a book if that's what you want to do. Your husband has your 18 year old daughter to join in with all his expeditions.

I understand exactly how you feel. I have been a bit firmer in putting in place some down time or personal time on holiday as my partner would have us out from 9am til 10pm if he could. So, now if he's up early, he goes and walks to scope the area. He brings back breakfast etc. I would send him to the pool with the kids etc. You must plan your space carefully and not be overwhelmed with his "activeness".

Italy is so wonderful so try and make the most of it.

I think it’s important to remember that this is your holiday too @SkylarkDay. If you already anticipate that your DH is going to be hard work then I’d help him with his itinerary, if that’s what’s required, and then tell them what you’re doing. So for example if you wanted to visit a gallery you could choose to do this together and then say that you’ll be doing your own thing for a few hours be it lying by the pool or chilling with a book. If you know how holidays usually go and you feeling frazzled then I’d make plans to mitigate that from the start!

Have a great time!

Your DH might have ADHD but he is a grownup. He needs to learn to manage it himself. To write his own lists, to work out what he wants to do, what he needs to pack.
ADHD also doesn't prevent him from understanding your anxiety. Why are you doing all the adulting? Why do you let him pile it all on you?
(I have ADHD, holiday planning makes me really anxious because it is difficult for me but I do it myself, I don't expect DH to do it for me!)

Can you speak with them both and say you love spending time with them, but you have anxiety re the holiday that ends up spoiling your enjoyment. You go through things that could make it easier for you and say that if some aspects can't change, you're sorry but you won't be able to come again in future.

For starters, would these help:

Build in alone time
If DH wants to go through the itinerary each morning, he can do it with DD & away from you

I sympathise, I am the same. I tried the go without me too, but then they wouldn't go, so I take one for the team. I am horribly anxious before we go, I don't sleep, I get anxiety attacks.

I don't like leaving the house, the cat, the garden. I love my bed. My routine.

So my rules are, always to the same place in Italy, which I know and love. Club class BA, everything pre-booked, parking this end, taxis the other, etc. I have my own itinerary as it were. We breakfast together but then DH and the girls go off for the morning, I stay in the hotel at the beach, bliss. If they want a trip they go off without me. DH goes for lots of long walks, leaving us to read by the pool. It works really well.

i don’t think it’s that you need to not go on holiday , I think you need to approach differently how you go on holiday. Try the following this year

1. Pack only for yourself and pack simply
2. Don’t overdo getting the house ready . It’s a week so the only thing you really need to do is throw out fresh food and pour some bleach down the toilets
3. On hols when you husband says ok what are we doing today say , well my plan is to stroll around the village and read my book in the shade. If that doesn’t suit then let them off.
4. If they say anything then just say ‘look I’m really tired, this is my holiday too so I will go on a trip tomorrow but today I’m relaxing

We are so used to suiting everyone else and catering to their needs that we forget how to prioritise ourselves and your DD is well old enough to be left to her own devices and understand

I experience this. Sometimes before and sometimes during a trip too. For me think it’s connected with responsibility for and worry about the DC (younger than yours)

In general and with travel I find avoidance of things worsens the anxiety.

Wouldn’t organise things for your H or doing loads every day. Would do things you enjoy. He can organise things for himself & / or do less.

Yes, of course, OP.
I feel you.
It's just me (45) and husband, no pets or kids.
I cannot be arsed about packing, the main anxiety comes from "what's gonna happen in the house"
when we are not here.
I have Asperger's, anxiety has gone much worse since 2020.
We don't work (landlords on a large scale) so it doesn't matter much, but the only thing we manage is a day out.
(Husband significantly older and easy going).

Corfucrab is spot on. ☝️

Well, for a start-don't do your dh's itinerary for him! He can do that with your 18 year old while you have coffee in bed and then they tell you want's happening!

Just taking a different approach here but my anxiety levels massively spiked over these things when I went through menopause. HRT helped hugely.

Did you always feel like this when you were travelling for work or is this more recent?

I know a couple of people who don’t enjoy holidays for similar reasons. They don’t go. You don’t have to either

Thanks all! I suppose I was more use to travelling when I worked plus no kids, pets and I was in my 20s. Believe it or not I was cabin crew so couldn’t have had a job where I travelled more. Did it for 9 years but I hated the job for the last few years, and I often wonder if that’s affected my feelings of being away.

Yes this time I’ve offloaded the itinerary to them and already told them I’m only following behind. I’ll also plan time out if needed. However I do feel their disappointment when I don't want to join them on everything and my husband does have a knack of making me feel I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t enjoy holidays, which I’m sure is not the case. He does recognise he’s not easy on holidays due to his busy brain as he calls it, so he does try but all this trying to accommodate each other just feels very stressful to me.

I know, I’m probably the other end of the spectrum because I like peace/quiet & time out by myself. Because I’ve avoided so many trips away recently due to the elderly dogs, I agreed when we lost them I would have a holiday or two this summer before getting anymore. It was a compromise. However in reality I’m finding it very hard without the dogs, plus I’ve now got to go on holiday. I don’t think there’s any easy answers as such, but was interested if others felt the same, because as mentioned above, my husband seems to think it’s just me who finds holidays stressful and all my friends seem to love them.

Fully understand. Was dreading our lovely holiday to the Caribbean (yep). Cab to Heathrow from South London and I was trying to get my breathing under control. Managed it by Battersea I think. Had the best holiday. Utterly amazing. Thing is, if I was going again tomorrow I’d still be in the same state. Just love familiarity. Love being at home. You’ll be fine. Deep breaths x