Holiday tomorrow and already feeling pretty anxious

[SkylarkDay]

As the title says, I struggle with holidays. Not so bad with a couple of nights in the UK but off to Italy tomorrow. I know I should realise how lucky I am but I’m not feeling it and just feel apprehensive and stressed. DH & DD (18) like travelling. I use to travel abroad an awful lot for work years ago, and now I’m in my 50s would prefer to stay home or do occasional nights away in the UK.

I find the pre-holiday packing, getting the house ready to leave and leaving the animals at cattery etc is unbelievably stressful. Managed to avoid them the last few years due to the pandemic and then our two very elderly dogs were too creaky to leave. Sadly lost both my dogs this last 6 months and not got any more yet.

Generally on holiday I miss all my home comforts, my proper comfortable bed and routine. Don’t like leaving my pets, husband has ADHD so each morning he wants a list of where/what we are doing, and I get no time alone to recharge. I’m pretty sensitive to crowded busy places too these days. From home I do love doing day trips and getting out to see/explore things, especially when we had the dogs as I love walking, but I generally like to come home at night, although odd nights at UK hotels/Airbnb is fine. The only time my husband and I ever argue is on holiday because although he’s great, he totally exhausts me!!

Just wondering if anyone else feels this. Everybody else I know seems to love going away so I feel a bit of a freak! 😕

I take propranolol for a few days before holiday and that helps massively

edited to say it's not flying I dislike it's travelling!

I find the travelling bit quite stressful. This is largely due to DH who loves to be late and can't stand waiting. He wants to be diving through the closing doors of a train rather than standing on a platform for 10 minutes. It drives me up the wall.

@fancylemons

the same smells?! Why would smells be an issue?

Your dh needs to understand its YOUR holiday too. He has ds to do things with.

As mentioned I often do! But they specifically want & have asked me to go so feel I should make the effort. Doesn’t stop my anxiety sadly, if there was a wand for that I’d be rich!

That's what I'd do.

If you aren't going to opt out completely, and fwiw I really don't see why they can't go just the two of them, a busy city break in what I presume will be quite hot weather isn't your kind of thing. There are compromise options.

You could go in May or early October, if you dislike heat and you're going to somewhere in Europe that'll be hot now. Choose accommodation located somewhere that's not too busy but also has day out options they can do without you. Could even be somewhere that people book excursions and get collected.

Yes we have this too. I always want to be everywhere 5 minutes early & allow for problems/hold ups, husband likes making everything by the absolute skin of his teeth!! I’m a total nervous wreck by the time we get anywhere! 😂

I went to the Doctor last week but I have low blood pressure so they can’t offer me this. They use to occasionally give me Valium for travelling but won’t do that anymore. When I worked as cabin crew I had an onboard incident at work which has left me nervous of flying even though it was over 20 years ago. I left flying shortly after.

I love going on holiday but I do count the sleeps till we come back - I even shorten it so the last day counted is the day before we actually come home. I ensure I have time for myself alone normally under the guise of a couple of hours sleep (which generally means drinking coffee and reading my book in silence). DH uses that time to go and explore. Important you all do things you need to.

Sorry but I think your DH needs to rein in his expectations. He is allowed to be like he is BUT you are allowed to be like you are. I don't do holidays anymore for various reasons and I don't miss them. The packing and the unpacking used to drive me nuts

You're not alone, I could have written something very similar. Lots of past work travel, different ways we like to spend our leisure time. I hate crowds and travel schedules, giving me more anxiety than it used to. Dh has heath issues which make travel more difficult. Married over 25 years. We now holiday a different way to how we once did which is absolutely fine for us. You'll have to keep adapting to make things work for you all, or at least you and your DH.

I'm the same OP. I have had so many bad experiences with things going wrong on holiday, wallets and kids going missing etc that it fills me with dread. What's this year's drama going to be? Its getting easier as they grow more independent but the stress has stayed with me. If I confess I don't like it people tend to think I'm being a spoilt brat because I am so lucky I can afford to go and totally miss the point.

I don't think its helpful people saying just don't go. It's a family holiday and it would be selfish not to go. Here is what i do to reduce stress. I schedule a lot of time for myself on holiday, I take a half day 'off' where I suit myself maybe once or twice. That gives me something to plan and look forward to. It could be simply reading my book for a few hours undisturbed. I also go on Google Street View and familiarise myself with the area, it gives me comfort when things look familiar. I also usually book a night away in a hotel by myself before the holiday, i take a 24 hour break from life where the phone is mostly off. Usually within 2 hours drive home to make it easy. This varies, sometimes I go to nature, hiking etc but last year I went to a nearby tourist town and did all the cliche tourist things. This little mini break makes a massive difference to my mental state before the big holiday. My dh is like yours OP and exhausts me, but I am very clear with him now that if we are going to x place when I'd rather do Y, its on condition I get this time alone and I lay out my terms. He understands and let's me do my own thing a lot.

I genuinely think it’s the flying now after reading your update. Try the ferry the next time and you can even bring your pets. It’s worth a shot and I absolutely loved it. I couldn’t believe the difference.

You could also get some Xanax for the flight from your doctor.

Good luck x

that level of stress would give me a heart attack I think, quite unfair to put that on you

Yanbu @SkylarkDay. I do find it all quite stressful and wish i didn't. I used to love holidays, but have felt burnt out with lots of life stresses so sometime a holiday just feels too much. But teen dc is obviously keen so am currently planning a few this year!

It certainly matters to some people. But if you are not one of those then you’ll just have to try and understand that not all people are the same as you.

Mine too @AhBiscuits , he tends to be on time for flights but after another year of him running late for everything else I have low confidence in him and it fuels my anxiety. He also says stupid things like 'it will be fine' to questions like 'what do we do if we miss the train', so I have learned to say nothing and plan things myself. I feel more relaxed if I have a plan B, a later train, a change of route etc.

You do not need to tolerate that. If he insists on you coming away, it's for him to compromise.

@fancylemons

of course, and I do. It’s just that I’ve never heard of people disliking holidays and rather stay home due to different smells so I’m just interested!

Ok sorry, I’m the same as you. Love to travel. But I know people that have been to Arabic countries, or India, or even London and it does smell different than at home and it can be a factor for feeling anxious. Sorry for not being able to describe it better.

Negronis, Bellinis and Campari spritz can get you through this... (just not all together).

You'll be fast tracked into La Dolce Vita in no time.

@LuckySantangelo35 Its a tricky one to explain - I think if you are an anxious person (I have a phobia + IBS + chronic migraine) you just feel so much "safer" in familiar surroundings. If I feel unwell at home, I can hide myself away with ice water and a book and nobody will notice, but if we're away - when all these things come to the fore more frequently due to stress - you are still expected to be happy and jolly on holiday and traipse around with a cracking headache and nausea and the threat of getting caught short far from a toilet all the same. Otherwise you are "spoiling it".

The burden of expectation to be bouncing off the walls with joy is too much for me, yet I've done it multiple times year on year!

@ZombieFoof I agree with this. If you’re predisposed to being a bit anxious plus have health issues, you can feel like the party pooper on holiday! I already don’t drink alcohol as it aggravates my joint pain & inflammation. I’ve also been quite ill this last year and ended up having a partial thyroidectomy at the end of this April. Although I feel like I am making a good recovery, my throat/neck is still very sore at times and some nights I still don’t sleep too well. That’s not why I am anxious about this holiday, as I was like this before, but it’s just another worry on top of the other things!! I just need an off switch in my head!

You weren’t that Virgin cabin crew member who screamed that the plane was going to crash were you? 😬

I’m making light but I totally understand why you can’t be arsed to travel anymore, and why you feel anxious.

@Staringatthewalljustmeagain no not guilty! 😃 that’s the difficult thing to explain to Doctors when they suggest doing a flying course or read a book to help with fear of flying. My incident wasn’t plane related and I have no worries there being ex cabin crew, sadly it was passenger related. 😕

I'm with you OP! Not a holiday person tbh. We've been abroad twice in the last decade, our hols have been in the UK otherwise. Came away on holiday yesterday (for the first time taking our young DC overseas) and plane was massively delayed, got here very late and there's an extreme heat warning so we can barely move (staying with family so not even a pool to lounge besides). Lying on the bed feeling exhausted and sweaty and just can't get how this is a 'holiday'. And the amount of stress that went into planning it too! Just doesn't feel worth it.

You're not alone.