To not apologise to friend for killing her plants?

[trekking1]

My friend had to move and is staying in a hostel until she finds somewhere to live. She could not keep her plants with her in the hostel, so she asked me to keep the plants at my place.

I have straight away told her no, because I am not capable of taking care of plants. I even killed a cactus once! She begged me, saying that I do not have to take care of them, she will come over once a month to water them. Needless to say she did came over once a month and her plants are now dead.

And before I get asked why could I not have watered the plants myself, I become so depressed in the last few months that I even lost my job because I could not get myself to even called out from work. My mental health was so bad that I could not do literally anything, including watering her plants. And she has not once offered to come over to water them.

I now have to let her know her plants are done. AIBU to just let her know matter of the fact without saying sorry? I know she will be sad and possibly mad at me, but she never asked me to take care of them, she only asked to keep them at my place and claimed she will come water them. I do not feel like I did anything wrong here.

She did not came over*

Well you warned her.
Who cares anyway.
She can get new ones.

She can get new ones, there plants not a pet.

@trekking1

I'm sorry you're in a bad way & have lost your job. Are you getting help?

it's sad about the plants, but they were her responsibility, you made that clear.

you have enough going on yourself! Just text her 'it's a shame you didn't come over to water your plants, unfortunately they have all now died'.

Some people love their plants and they do get very attached to them. Their choice.

But you warned her and she made choices based on that. Her choices killed them, not you.

I hope you feel better soon

I would just said “sorry your plants have died “ and leave it there. She can replace them, it’s not a big deal.

She said that you have to do nothing with the plants and that she would come over and water then. She didn't and the plants died. You have done nothing to say sorry for. It is on her.

I wouldn’t even message her about them and definitely don’t say sorry. She didn’t come round and water them like agreed- so when she does eventually come round - just say oh I’ve no idea what they’re doing , as I said I won’t look after them so I assumed you coming round now was to look after them and they must only need looking after every 4 months type thing. It’s not in you! Definitely don’t apologise!

Are any of them orchids by any chance? Just because I see so many people thinking orchids are dead when actually they've just finished flowering.

If you ask me other to babysit your plants. Expect them to die.

It is a bit sad, even bad, that you couldn't spare 10 minutes a week to pour some water into a plant because your friend is in a dire position and had to move to a hostel isn't it?

I’d assume it’s your depression speaking that you don’t sound sorry and so would be lying and so there’s no point saying it except she might find some solace. You’re both going through the worst things and so could lean on each other a bit? I’m sorry it’s happening to you and I’m sorry she’s going through the mill too. Take care x

She seems weirdly attached to the plants (begging you to take them etc), but then didn't come and water them.

I'd wouldn't apologise like it was my fault, but I'd say "sorry, your plants have died". People say sorry all the time without meaning that it's their fault.

How is this helpful, to someone who said no, and is suffering from severe depression?

I honestly think that it’s not difficult to find 5 minutes to water a few plants for a friend.
I could not have anything living in my house that I knew was suffering.

YANBU, I have a hard time keeping some of my plants alive, I either water them too much or too little. Orchids, given as presents, die very quickly in my care. You warned her. Don’t apologise, say:

’Hi, are you sure your plants were supposed to withstand your desultory watering? They all seem to have given up the ghost. Let me know if if you want me to bin them by bin day, next collection is Monday.’

This

I agree with pp, it's too defiant- sounding to just say "you didn't come around and now they're dead". I would say "sorry, they've died" in a way that makes it clear you're not taking responsibility (ie in the same way people say sorry for your loss when someone dies)
Poor you OP. Sounds like you've been through an awful time.

@Doodleflips The friend has had to move into a hostel, is there no empathy the other way required? Does OP know why the friend has not been able to come back and water the plants? I would think there is a good reason, no? Would it have been beyond the realms of possibility to give her some grace and run the tap for a few minutes?

I honestly think that it’s not difficult to find 5 minutes to water a few plants for a friend.
I could not have anything living in my house that I knew was suffering.

Well just so you know - it is difficult for some people. Often people who are ND and or struggling with mental health issues struggle with this. If it’s not hard for some of you fine, I believe you - but everyone is different.

And Op is suffering herself. Have some more compassion for a fellow human being. The friend knew the situation and agreed to take responsibility for them. She didn’t so it’s on her.

@trekking1 yeah don't apologise. I either wouldn’t even mention it until it’s brought up or if I did it would be more very matter of fact - “ That’s a pity, it seems your plants are dead now, shall I chuck them out or do you want to collect them by the end of the week?”

(I hardly think she’ll want dead plants but just to cover yourself I’d offer that)

I cant keep a plastic house plant alive thats how bad i am.
Do what i do op a flat out NO.
No to plant sitting No to babysitting No to everything i dont want to.
Beg cry plea whatever it will still be a NO.
Because i dont want or have to be responsible for other people's crap.

When she next visits to water them I would just say 'Oh I assumed they were supposed to look like that'.

Have you tried soaking them in a sink full of water (with the plug in)? you might find some spring back

I was saddled with looking after some of a friend's precious houseplants when they went on holiday. I meticulously watered them every day...and the whole lot died! Apparently I overwatered the precious plants.

Why are you so reluctant to say sorry? You don't have to be sorry for not not keeping them alive, but you can be sorry for your friend that they're dead.

It sounds like you are both having a hard time of it, do you really want to make it worse, when a simple "sorry" could help?