To not apologise to friend for killing her plants?

[trekking1]

My friend had to move and is staying in a hostel until she finds somewhere to live. She could not keep her plants with her in the hostel, so she asked me to keep the plants at my place.

I have straight away told her no, because I am not capable of taking care of plants. I even killed a cactus once! She begged me, saying that I do not have to take care of them, she will come over once a month to water them. Needless to say she did came over once a month and her plants are now dead.

And before I get asked why could I not have watered the plants myself, I become so depressed in the last few months that I even lost my job because I could not get myself to even called out from work. My mental health was so bad that I could not do literally anything, including watering her plants. And she has not once offered to come over to water them.

I now have to let her know her plants are done. AIBU to just let her know matter of the fact without saying sorry? I know she will be sad and possibly mad at me, but she never asked me to take care of them, she only asked to keep them at my place and claimed she will come water them. I do not feel like I did anything wrong here.

I don't think she'll be upset OP. You clearly both have much bigger issues in your lives at the moment than plants. Don't let this get in the way of your friendship.

Have you told her yet? Because if you haven’t you are perhaps falling into the “predicting the future” trap. I’m not saying that she won’t be mad but given that the next step is your control you should do it and tell her. That way you can know if she’s going to be mad at you rather than working your self up over thinking she’ll be mad at you. (I do this regularly so might be projecting)

I don’t want to belittle you’re feelings but if you are changing you’re day to day habits and thinking about this problem a lot without talking to her that in its self might a symptom of your depression. You don’t have to feel like this over the plants. You can move on from “unknown worry stage”.

I’m so sorry you’re having an episode of depression. It’s so so hard.

Also it’s not that you failed the plants it’s that the pants weren’t tough enough!

I couldn't even call work to let them know I won't be in, which would have taken 30 seconds and stopped me from losing my job. That's how depressed I was.

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed, it sounds so hard. I think I would just say what you said here I have lost my job, my mental health is on the floor - I could not even think about your plants att as much as I would have liked to have cared for them.

If she is a friend, at all, she really will understand and your well being is clearly more important than some plants.

Op it sounds as if you've been through a tough time so concentrate on you and your own health. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. You were quite clear that you couldn't keep plants alive... your conscience is clear!

I wouldn't start a conversation in a combative way.
Sorry, your plants are dead would be the normal thing to say.

Anything further, saying you were in a bad place, you warned her and were expecting her to come and water them.

I just wouldn't start an argument when there's isn't one.

This is bullshit. You are choosing to have a pop at a woman with severe depression, to advertise how sensitive you are to others' suffering.

How dead is dead? (Some plants look very ill but can be saved).
How about sending her a photo of them with a message like "I know you've not been round to see to your plants recently. They're not looking well. You're welcome to come over and see if you can revive them."

But no, if you made expectations clear up front then you're not unreasonable.

No need to say sorry.

'Hi Jane, all your plants have died. You were supposed to come over and tend to them but you haven't. They have been the last thing in my mind whilst I have been unwell.'

Just say this. She made choices that killed the plants.

I'm really sorry you've been so unwell. It's a horrible place to be.

Ooooh, I think some of mine are like pets and I talk to them too!

I know my plants better than my fish. I clearly care about my fish, but most of them I can't distinguish one from.another where there's multiples.
Some of my plants are 20+ years old.

I appreciate that OP is having a hard time, but the friend having to go to a hostel and relinquish her plants clearly isn't off on a jolly either. She deserves some sensitivity.

I do get your point but it's watering some plants not looking after a pet or some massive job that requires alot of energy or mental thought. It's watering plants.

I agree. Personally I think it’s not on at all that you couldn’t pour some after over them once a week. Depressed or not. I mean you obviously were able to get up and pour your own drink..

Havign said that though, you did warn her. So hopefully she isn’t too upset over it.

Some people are good at looking after plants, some people (like me) aren't. I don't know if it's because I under or over water them, but they usually die in the end. I'm not sure how you can tell. But you did warn her, so it isn't your fault.

I know what it's like to be so paralysed by depression that you have to psych yourself up for an hour to go to the toilet. It's sad about her plants, but she can get new plants. Much more important that you put this down and concentrate on nurturing yourself back to health.

I would just say ‘I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but your plants have died’. That’s not you apologising but it’s appropriately sad for her.

Yep, bleeding mental health is an excuse fir everything nowadays.

You could borrow Jane Austen's approach?
"I will not say that your mulberry trees are dead; but I am afraid they're not alive."

Could you try to give them a water now to see if they spring back to life a little?

Well you could say I'm sorry it has happened as I know you love them, but I did tell you it would happen.

Some people are just really bad at plants! I am another one. I even managed to kill a Yukka once - which can withstand the Arizona desert!!!

Honestly, don’t beat yourself up… just explain and apologise, maybe get her some chocs to say sorry.

And hope you can work through your depression, have you been to your GP..?

Well, it's kind of known that plants are like children, I wouldn't expect it.

She's a cheeky fucker expecting you to take care of her plants. Not a friend,
There are professionals around for that.

Don’t worry about it it’s not a big deal.

Focus on your own health. I’ve had very bad depression in the past so I really understand how debilitating it can be, ie can’t walk across the room, to shower have to sit down, can’t get dressed, can’t eat and so on. People tend to not understand how horrendous it can be.

Your friend should have been checking on her own plants plus looking after you.

Have you ever had very bad depression? I have. I couldn’t even crawl across the room on some days, dress or shower.