To not apologise to friend for killing her plants?

[trekking1]

My friend had to move and is staying in a hostel until she finds somewhere to live. She could not keep her plants with her in the hostel, so she asked me to keep the plants at my place.

I have straight away told her no, because I am not capable of taking care of plants. I even killed a cactus once! She begged me, saying that I do not have to take care of them, she will come over once a month to water them. Needless to say she did came over once a month and her plants are now dead.

And before I get asked why could I not have watered the plants myself, I become so depressed in the last few months that I even lost my job because I could not get myself to even called out from work. My mental health was so bad that I could not do literally anything, including watering her plants. And she has not once offered to come over to water them.

I now have to let her know her plants are done. AIBU to just let her know matter of the fact without saying sorry? I know she will be sad and possibly mad at me, but she never asked me to take care of them, she only asked to keep them at my place and claimed she will come water them. I do not feel like I did anything wrong here.

The OP is suffering herself with depression. Try showing some compassion.

No you literally warned her not to trust you with the plants, I’m sure she will get over it

It would take nowhere near ten minutes would it? More like 60 seconds at the most, once a week. I have house plants and if the kids have left glasses of water round the place I chuck the remnants in the plant pot as I’m walking past. It takes seconds.

Everyone saying ‘just buy new ones’, I’m guessing if the friend is currently living in a hostel she’s not particularly flush herself. I bought a new yucca plant this week, it was £30, if she has a few plants and they’re well established, it will cost a lot to replace.

YANBU OP.
You were very clear with the expectations.
It's not your fault.
Also to all the people yammering on about '5 mins to water plants' first of all, the OP isn't magically supposed to know how much water they need and when!
Secondly OP was upfront saying she wouldn't water them which was fine.

You didn't kill the plants.
Your friend did, by neglecting to come over.

The end.

It’s sad some people are having more compassion for the plants or for the idea of her friend having to buy more plants than they do for OPs mental health.

It’s not just about the length of time it takes - it’s all very well saying “it only takes a minute” but if your mind is bogged down with despair and you’re struggling to even call your work, respond to texts or shower and clean for example it can easily slip your mind.

Or you might remember at intervals and then intend to do it when you finally crawl out of bed or get up off the sofa but by the time you do get up you forget again.

Forgetting /not being able to do routine tasks such as watering plants is a very common symptom of poor mental health.

Some people are just really bad at plants! I am another one. I even managed to kill a Yukka once - which can withstand the Arizona desert!!!

Me too. I'm an accidental herbicidal maniac. I've killed mint.

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like you are in a very difficult place, and so is your friend. The plants have fallen to the wayside because neither of you have the wherewithal to look after them right now, that's sad but can't be helped. You can only do what you can do.

I know people become attached to their plants. I'm struggling right now that one I've had since before my son was born has been magically replaced after a recent trip we took, and a friend was doing the looking after. My fault that I did not leave it with the others to be watered, and my friend did his best but probably didn't notice it where I left it. He has left a lovely new healthy version of it in its place , bless him. I will never tell him that I've made that plant live for 42 years, and trailed it from home to home for that whole time. He'll feel awful - like you do now - but it can't be helped. No bad intentions, life happens.

I hope you feel better soon, and that you get another job as soon as you fit to work.

I've been where you are and I couldn't brush my hair, shower etc. I wouldn't even have got out of bed for water..... thankfully my then partner would bring me food, water and meds.
Please accept any help offered by professionals, friends, family..... any help at all ❤️

I killed a Yukka too, I only buy plants that 'thrive on neglect' but they prove me wrong 😂😂
The only thing I've managed to keep alive is the 'hard to kill' peace lily,

What type of plants are they? They may just have become dormant for now?

Ah well done. Geraniums are very hard to kill too! I am proud of my geraniums (that’s all I’ve ever managed to keep alive)

I can't keep a plant alive to save my life! They're either overwatered or droughted with no in-between so I really empathise with you OP. Weirdly have no trouble looking after pets, but that's probably because they're able to communicate with you rather than just wilting!

Don't be too apologetic to your friend, but I think the advice to share some pics with her and ask her if she'd like to try and save the plants would be a good approach.

Hoping you feel better soon, I can imagine being surrounded by dead plants probably isn't helping much at the moment either!

I think it would have been better if you’d text her and said look you need to come and water the plants because I’m not up to it and they’ll die/are dying.

however the ships sailed now. Explain the situation to her. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand. Sounds like you’re both having a tough time of it so have empathy for each other

Op clearly stated to her friend that she wasn’t capable of looking after the plants, she already let her friend know she wasn’t up to it. Her friend is aware.

And it was agreed said friend would come round to water them herself. Her friend apparently didn’t come round enough but that’s not on Op.

Her friend had all the necessary knowledge to know they would die without her caring for them, since OP counted herself out - but for whatever reason couldn’t /didn’t come round enough.

She shouldn’t have needed to remind her by text especially when she could barely text her work!

Hopefully the friend will agree she can chuck them out, and thank OP for trying to help as much as she could by at least taking the plants in.

I can’t keep plants alive. But I never thought the plants were suffering, they haven’t got feelings!

I don't think plants suffer, they are not conscious beings. But if you have plants in the house, live ones are much more appealing to look at than dead ones. I think trying to nurture a plant could actually be good for your mental health.

I love my plants.

When my husband died three years ago, I was so depressed that I didn't care about anything else. A lot of my plants died.

Those that survived were cactus, a couple of succulents and a variegated ficus that miraculously held onto life.

If - God forbid - you ever genuinely suffer from a deep depression, you cannot function...not even to do something that "only takes 5 minutes".

OP is suffering for heavens sake! What do you think severe depression is 🤦‍♀️

Well said.

I killed the family aspidistra. Apparently, it's also known as "the cast iron plant" because it's so hard to kill.

@Slavetomycat
Thank you for sharing this. I'm sure there must be real grief connected to losing something so precious, yet you have shown yourself a good and compassionate friend by "not noticing", and recognising their loving intentions

She has not visited you despite your health crisis. I would let her know that you have been extremely unwell and have lost your job. That is the important part. Perhaps you can add "regrettably I wasn't well enough to care for your plants in this condition - did you mean to come and water them? They don't look ok I'm afraid".

Needless to say she did came over once a month and her plants are now dead.

The way you wrote this really made me laugh!

Hope you feel better very soon. You sound lovely.,

And I’m a plant lover but I still think you sound fab.