Dear community of mums,
I'd like to know how you deal with in-laws who cross the line -- I feel like I'm seeing different red flags, but maybe I'm being unreasonable.
At a brunch with my in-laws in Germany, my mother-in-law wanted to give my 9-month-old baby a pretzel and some cake. I refused, saying that pretzels are too salty, and that you don't give salt to a baby before they're one year old, nor sugar before they're 2. She rolled her eyes and asked what the problem was, so I explained "The doctor said so, not me! Salt is bad for the baby's immature kidneys". The aunt of my husband interjected: "But there's salt everywhere anyway!", and my mother-in-law added, "Yes, even in the ready-made purée you give him, there's salt! I explained: "No, we buy an organic, salt-free purée".
The next day, when they had to look after our baby while my husband and I were packing, my in-laws gave baby a piece of pretzel behind my back. I arrived just as he was eating it, was horrified and said "But he mustn't eat salt! It's bad for his kidneys!" My father-in-law retorted that he had removed the grains of salt. I replied that the dough is salty, and that the pretzel itself is cooked in a salty solution. My mother-in-law replied that she sees lots of babies in the street eating pretzels. I told her again (I had already explained this the day before) that it's not before 1 year. On top of that, my father-in-law retorted that our baby will be 1 year old in 3 months, so 3 months less won't change anything, and to add insult to injury my husband said that there's also salt in the bread when we give him crusts to chew on at home. I said "Yes, but not as much salt as in a pretzel". In short, I felt alone against everyone. How can I trust my parents-in-law if their own wishes take precedence over the paediatrician's medical considerations, the baby's health and their daughter-in-law's requests... it's an example of their constant interference, their need to control things and their lack of respect for boundaries. Similarly, when it came to the question of not kissing close to the ears, because for an adult it's already unpleasant, for a baby with fragile little ears it's even more so -- my father-in-law, instead of saying OK, argued endlessly: "But I'm not doing it loudly" (loud enough for me to hear him at the other end of the room), "and it's not that close to the ear. Anyway, it's over now as he's leaving us" (it was just before getting in the car to return to the UK).
Everything I say or do seems to be questioned by one or other of my in-laws:
"Why doesn't baby sleep in a cot? (I'm co-sleeping because I'm breastfeeding him) He would sleep better in a cot.
He needs to learn to sleep without suckling
He needs to learn to nap on his own
He needs to get used to falling asleep without the breast
How can sugar and salt harm him, there's salt in all foods anyway?
He needs to get used to staying in the pram / the car seat, even if he doesn't like it
He needs to learn to eat in his highchair, even if he makes a fuss." Etc etc
It's tiring to constantly hear comments and criticisms on every subject, while they on the other hand don't tolerate me interfering: during our stay, I discreetly removed a plastic aspirin tube from the playpen where our baby was playing, an aspirin tube that my in-laws had put there, and that I had seen baby bite shortly before. I removed it without baby noticing, after he'd dropped it, and explained to my father-in-law that I didn't want baby to eat plastic (he's only got 2 teeth, but he can gnaw on an apple core as effectively as a rabbit!). My father-in-law got annoyed that I interfered, said he had been very careful about the plastic tube, and when I went into the kitchen I could hear him from the kitchen saying to our baby: "You're looking for your tube everywhere, aren't you! Your mum took it! Yes, she took your tube, poor baby!"
5 seconds later he came into the kitchen to bitterly tell me that baby was very frustrated and that he was looking for his plastic tube everywhere because he used it to play music with it and it amused him a lot --- I mean, there were lots of toys in the playpen, I seriously doubt that our baby noticed that the aspirin tube was missing...
My in-laws are quick to criticise things that are none of their business, while they indulge in things that make me jump: letting baby put kitchen roll in his mouth (contains chlorine and formaldehyde), letting him licking their mobile phones, a plastic tube of aspirin...
In the bedroom where we slept over, my mother-in-law used shortly before our arrival a product on the carpet to clean it, that should not be used with a baby under 1.
On 2 occasions, my father-in-law practically blamed me for coming into the living room where he was playing with our baby. The baby squealed when he saw me and crawled towards me. My father-in-law said reproachfully, "Oh, he was so happy and we were having so much fun, but if mummy comes, of course..." I almost apologised for having entered the room where my son was.
They're really stifling parents, meddling in everything, having their say on absolutely everything, and criticising easily.
My parents had come from France to Germany to rent a B&B nearby, in order to see their grandson while we were visiting my German in-laws. Before they returned to France, my parents wanted to see us and the baby one last time on the day of their departure. We had a wedding planned for that morning, which wasn't very practical, but when we said good night that evening, we agreed to meet again the next morning in one way or another to say one last time goodbye. My husband and I were discussing afterwards what would be the most practical, he preferred that my parents drop by here before we left for the wedding, I found that too stressful and preferred that we meet my parents discreetly in the street during the wedding by slipping away for 5-10 minutes, which my husband didn't want to do out of respect for the bride and groom. He said "OK, how about we say that the farewell took place tonight, and that we won't be seeing your parents again tomorrow?" For some reason, my mother-in-law chimed in: "Yes, when I heard your parents's offer for tomorrow, I thought it wouldn't be practical for you to see them again tomorrow morning just before the wedding, you should have said so loud and clear when it came to it", to which I replied: "I was busy with the baby who was crying, I didn't think about it at the time, and anyway, 'you should have' 'you should have' well now it's too late, we agreed". She insisted: "Too late? Why is it too late? You pick up your phone and tell your parents that tomorrow is too stressful, and that you consider the goodbyes to have taken place tonight". At this point I had to control myself to remain polite... A) this was none of her business and B) she would have been extremely upset if the roles were reversed and we had done something like this to her. I said that my parents were delighted to see their grandson again before they left, that I couldn't do that to them, that I'd sneak out of the wedding for 5-10 minutes like when you go to the toilet and that it wouldn't be the end of the world.
And that's all there is to it, interfering again and again on every possible subject -- for years while I was battling SIBO and trying different diets to combat the disease, my mother-in-law was constantly criticising and questioning my approach, even though she had no idea whatsoever about either nutrition or the disease.
Every week, my father-in-law calls his son (my husband), and if it's while we're watching a film, he has to interrupt the film to take the call.
Before moving to the UK with my husband, I lived with him in Germany for 3 years. We lived 2hrs 40mins drive from my in-laws. We spent every weekend with them for 3 years. Every. F#cking. Weekend. From Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. I never managed to get my husband to let us spend just one weekend out of two. Moving to the UK has been an indescribable relief. It saved my sanity and our marriage -- in Germany, after 2 years of putting up with a sort of 3-way marriage with my in-laws, I'd ended up wondering whether I wouldn't be better off going back home to France. Unfortunately, my husband's work contract ends in a year, and I'm completely panicking. Neither time nor distance has changed anything in the domineering attitude of my in-laws, and I've spent more than one sleepless night at the prospect of moving back to Germany and returning to the suffocating cage that are my in-laws. They are immensely generous, incredibly helpful, I know we can count on them if we need anything, but isn't this a way of making the cage gilded? My husband doesn't want to extend his contract because he misses his family and friends. I feel like a barked animal at the prospect of returning to a way of life I thought I'd finally escaped by migrating to the UK. Is that how it is with in-laws? Or are mine particularly stifling? What would you do? Thank you so much for reading all the way through.