Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

All you can do is support her, she’s young, education is always there, if it comes to it, and it’s what she wants, help her with child care so she can continue at evening school
what are her parents saying ?
if it were my dd at 19 I would be upset, knowing her plans

Totally with you @Corianm. It’s a shame that she’s pregnant so young and her uni plans are ruined. It sounds like she’s quite early on? Can you have a conversation with her about how she’s could manage this with uni and hopefully open a wider discussion about her options, remind her of what’s she’s going to miss out on. It may be that she feels she has to continue the pregnancy because that’s what others are expecting.

One of my friends got pregnant at 18, had her child, the dad was deadbeat nowhere to be seen. She single-handedly worked and paid her way through university, is now a paediatric oncology nurse (finished at 25). While still single, took her son all around the world with a Christian charity-volunteering her healthcare knowdledge- went to Guatemala, Indonesia and Nepal. Her family only provided light child care- no financial support- and she lives in the US so very little support benefits wise. She moved across country as a single mum with a 4yo for better job prospects , met and married British man in Texas, and has had two more children with a very living hands on dad this time around.

your niece hasn’t thrown her life away- she’s taken a side step, anything is possible if you set your mind to it. She wanted to be a nurse, and travel and she accomplished that as a young single mum her journey was just a bit more twisty

We should be sending the young women in our lives the important message about being careful who you start a family with

I think this is a fair point.

Once it's done though, it's about supporting that young woman if the relationship goes well, and if it doesn't. 'I told you so' being unhelpful in this area (as my dear mother worked out very early, and explained to me her thinking about many years later but in time for me to apply the theory to my own daughters).

Well if this lad doesn't step up your niece will soon wise up and ditch him if he is dragging her down. Just be there to support her.

It may be that she feels she has to continue the pregnancy because that’s what others are expecting.

I think so. The niece consciously decided she didn't want to be a young mum and up to very recently was going to go to university, so maybe not too late for a termination. Love is blind and all that.

I was a young mother who got pregnant in a new relationship. It worked out for us in terms of careers, relationship and the kids have done very well academically. It was extremely hard, I don't think I was as good a parent as I would be if I'd been older and my career will never be what it could have been.

I don't regret my children, but I also wouldn't wish young parenthood for them. Knowing what I know now I would have done it differently. The evidence shows that it's not a usually a good decision.

It is perfectly fine to feel sad for her. I understand where you are coming from . But she may not lose her ambition, it might just be on hold. If she is as intelligent as you say and the partner does not treat her right then she may resume her studies later . And I am sure you will be there supporting her . There is plenty of time yet.

Travelling the world living in different Countries experiencing life in your early 20s is completely different than trying to do it when you're older.

Quite. And the mental strain and worry of having kids when they are struggling, even adult kids never leaves many of us. Once those kids are born, you have a sense of responsibility or worry for them when they have problems, that never leaves you. Having adult kids and experiending ‘freedom’ in your forties is not the same as being in your twenties and childless in any way.

I am biased as I treasure my twenties as I grew and matured and enjoyed life and established my career, without having to be responsible for young kids. And don’t regret a second. Thankfully my kids are at uni and settling down with children could not be further from their minds.

OPs niece will no longer be able to do this.

I beg to differ, having done it, and not even in this generation but in a generation where it was much less common to take a child with you to uni.

She CAN go to uni with a baby or toddler, she CAN go to the Open Uni / Birkbeck / other unis with online courses, and then maybe do postgrad at a brick uni, she CAN do a higher level apprenticeship or she CAN have a great life and career without uni and with the appropriate professional development. If and when she chooses. Even the 'going out' is doable, should she wish to, so long as she accepts it might be say once a fortnight or a couple of times a term with some babysitting, rather than 3 times a week or more.

(By the way, there are plenty of young people at uni who don't even enjoy going out to loud venues til 3am, one of my daughters is one of them! Many others are working so many hours that they can't and increasing numbers of others are doing higher level apprenticeships with degrees attached instead, so not having the trad uni experience at all. Maybe they are out at the weekend but they are keeping work hours overall and so it's not the same. Plenty of full time students also prefer to do their social activities in the daytime or early evening, or without alcohol always having to be involved, or both, and Student Unions try to make sure that these students are catered for these days. She wouldn't be as much of an outlier if she went to uni when the baby is a bit older as you might think.)

I'm going to have to get off this thread now as too many of you are so narrowminded it's making me ill.

After reading the updates I understand @Corianm
But one of my best friends was the baby in this scenario.
She's got a degree , just like her mum.
Mum also has a fantastic job.
It's disappointing but once the dust settles you can figure out the best way forward.

It’s absolute rubbish to say that you can’t take a child to uni (I speak from experience!)

Do you normally describe the tragedy of people who kill themselves as ‘chucking their lives away’? If so, I suggest you use more sensitive language and familiarise yourself with the more common meaning of the phrase.

Hardly thrown her life away ..... If she was 5 or 10 years older you'd probably be pleased for her.

Bring a Mum is amazing and massively underrated in our society.

@Ottervision

Sorry, do you want to elaborate on that? What are you trying to imply there?

Again, you have no idea that's the situation until it happens. You're assuming it will.

I’m not “implying” anything I am being very clear. The OP has stated that the partner’s family favours a very traditional sex role split with women taking on traditional roles.

That kind of environment is not going to suit an intelligent and ambitious woman. It’s not insulting or snobbish just very obvious she’s not going to do well in this situation.

being seen to be one (as a mother)

This was just my reference to the infantilisation of young adults and how my personal experience was that that tends to get nipped in the bud should you happen to be parenting a child and running a household, once the relevant person gets over their shock that is! I didn't have a child to achieve that, it was just a side effect that I noticed and can now reflect on as an older woman. The infantilisation of young adults does seem to be becoming more prevalent though, and isn't helping our younger generations, whatever paths they are taking.

OP is infantilising a 19 year old woman and so are many of the rest of you.

My youngish adult daughters agree about this lowering of expectations of the capabilities of 18-25 year olds, btw, and don't subscribe to it.

Well quite. And all the teen mums here saying now they have ‘great jobs’ in their 30s or 40s. I wonder what these jobs are, as they prob would not fit my definition of ‘great’. Most good careers are adversely affected by 20s spent in sahm life.

It's not just her age - I wouldn't be happy if I had a 25 year old pregnant daughter whose partner had no ambition (or much about him in general), and who had a deadbeat family with not much money and probably wouldn't give much if any of any kind of support to her, would you?

I think this level of honestly is missing from the thread. Your comments reflect the reality of teen pregnancy. Well done for getting through it. I am sure you battled some tough times to get where you did.

🙄

Being a parent when you've completed your education, have a career and lived a bit, is very different to feign a parent at 19 when you haven't done those things when you had planned to.

The title is awful. I thought this was about suicide.

A young man working at 19 is good, as an apprentice is great, he will have a trade and prospects. He could be getting drunk at uni and coming out with no guaranteed job and a fuck tonne of debt. So what if he's down the pub after a day's work at 19, that doesn't mean he will be at 20 or 30.

My cousin married a similar lad and had children young. He got his act together and is a good husband and dad. They have been married 10 years.

I can't believe how harsh everyone is being OP. I totally understand & would not want this for my relative & would also feel disappointed as being young & free to travel etc is fantastic BUT she is on this path now & you are right to keep your views to yourself. A good friend of mine got pregnant at 16 & she ended up doing OK but her family & parents were very supportive & looked after the baby so she could go to college etc. X

@westisbest1982 where does it say the boyfriends family don't have "much money" and are "deadbeats"?
The boyfriends wage is low because it's apprenticeship wage but after that it will go up and (like most trades) will earn a decent amount.
As I said upthread - how can someone have "no ambition" if they are doing an apprenticeship?
That's the point of an apprenticeship.

It was combined with 'anyone experienced this pain' that made me think suicide. Without that I wouldn't have.

The thread is making you ill? Now that’s dramatic!