Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

You are aware that people can do both aren't you? .
Perhaps not at the same time

Sheesh yourself.

@Veritysays897 that's lovely if you can afford to get to Italy in the first place.
At 19 I was working full time - but couldn't afford this (apparently) all wonderful travel that Mumsnet is obsessed with.
I moved to a different town about 30 miles away from my hometown at 22 and experienced all those things you said.

Sure, but it’s like trying to run a marathon wearing leg weights. You could probably do it, but it’s a lot easier not to.

It can be a shock, when members of the family go ‘off piste’ and not down the routes you’ve imagined for them! Life’s pretty random, anyway, and often doesn’t lend itself well to too much planning. Go with the flow, and be supportive, not disappointed or judgmental. That’s your plan she’s ditched, not necessarily hers. This might be exactly what she wanted!

It's the experience of many on mumsnet. You can't know how the SAHMs you know are made to feel because they don't earn money. This is not blasting SAHMs because I do think it should be an option. It is just some men cannot be trusted to treat SAHMs fairly during the marriage and unfortunately sometimes during the divorce. Having some sort of independence and the means to leave if something goes wrong is essential for everyone.

There is a history of women getting PG young in my family even if on contraception. Fertile Myrtles as my Mother used to say who was PG 11 times. There is a branch of 5 sisters who all had children as teenagers in the 1970’s/ 1980’s time period I remember going to some of the weddings. I was 6 at the first one and thought she looked like a Princess, she was actually just 18.

Roll on many years, two of them have had decent lives. They have a good standard of living and ‘do things’ the other three haven’t. Having children very young will limit people to an extent and part of it is the mental capacity that children occupy in your head.

So hopefully your niece will be just like one of the two sisters I know.

I note that your niece is from a rough estate and that she had a course with a year in industry already lined up. It is hard especially nowadays to achieve social mobility, I did and was the first to go to University in my family. I would be feeling like you as well and don’t understand why you have been given such a rough time. I worked in higher education for many years as an academic librarian. There were a few young women who had children, not many and it was much harder for them but they still studied and graduated.

Disagree. Unless her now level of disappointment is for clicks/ not genuine!

I get it. She had a place at uni in September and was just getting out of the shithole. Now she's going to be lumbered with some bore who doesn't share any of her interests and she's years away from having the opportunity to get away from it.

I agree. What a fucking waste.

Surely people can make plans and life takes them in another direction.

And people can express a desire to do something ( like the op's example of living in Italy for a year) but these are merely possibilities .

Some could be part of conversation, example
Person a - I wish I had the opportunity to live abroad

Person b - yeah I'd love to live in Italy . It would be great to develop my Italian and become fluent.

That does not mean Person a has to now move to Italy .

@BabyFedUp445 i found out I was pregnant at 18, gave birth at 19.. I still managed to finish my college course and do pretty much everything I could do beforehand.. it’s ridiculous to look so negatively when it comes to being pregnant young.

I had “big dreams” I think most people that age do.. however, when you find out your expecting I think it’s natural instinct for the baby to obviously come first and naturally you understand you have to wait to do certain things but you can still do them🤷‍♀️

i.e I had to go back to college a year after my friends finished but I still went back and finished? Yes naturally she won’t be able to probably live in different countries but by the sounds of things OPs niece had done what any other normal person does when they find out they are pregnant and understood that some things she may not be able to do OR she can do them at a later time.. her life certainly isn’t over and in my opinion yes it may be trickier to work around but it certainly won’t be difficult especially as by the sounds of things she has plenty of family support.. a lot of people don’t have that, that’s where things become difficult.

people on here make out teen pregnancies are the end of the world! I did well.. still managed to do everything I needed to 🤔 a lot of my friends who also had children young also managed to live there lives and if anything say how much happier they were having a child younger tbh..

OP I've just caught up. I totally understand. I have a similarly fabulous niece and would be absolutely gutted. She is a few years ahead of your niece and IS living an extraordinary life exploring the world and her own views. It is wonderful to see and I'm so happy for her.

What a weird set of responses - this isn't what Mumsnet was like even a few years ago. Are they written by bots? Or bad-faith posters?

It's not unreasonable to think that the niece has missed an important opportunity to go to university at 18/19, build a peer group, train her mind and accumulate experiences. She had plenty of time to start a family, so it's very bad luck - and judgement - to start now.

But, nothing the OP can really do.

Ok actually this does change things. OP she should contact her uni and defer by a year.

I can’t imagine a 19 year old with plans can honestly have been delighted to be pregnant.
She could be working hard to save face and minimise embarrassment.

I think she will still realise her plans but it will be far more difficult with a child and a husband who is as you describe.

Of course you’re disappointed on her behalf. I’d be the same. You’ve been supportive of her and are just sounding off here.

I can’t see anything wrong with that so ignore the people who are picking at you.

I'm with you OP!

Babies are lovely though, maybe advise her to defer uni entry for one year akin to maternity leave and then go the next year. Don't let her education suffer! Don't withdraw your support!

You'll also have a new Grandniece/nephew to love too! Bonus!

Get a fucking grip OP.

I thought you were gonna say she took her own life.

A baby is not a disaster, it's just a change of plan.

I have a 'wanderers soul' as I have always been told by strangers (although thats actually partly a symptom of my disability - flittiness, short attention span, irritability staying in one place, impulsiveness. Its hardly something that makes life 'wonderful') and I had my oldest at 19... by far the BEST thing I ever did.

Prior to having kids I bounced around 'wild and free' but with zero purpose in life, I did lots of things but it wasn't fantastic, worldly or better. In fact I was very lonely and depressed.

I also find art galleries painfully boring... sorry I don't wail in the Sistine chapel.

I'm far more likely to enjoy a bit of random graffiti on a toilet stall than a sterile, dull room filled with pretentious art. That doesn't make me less cultured or boring either. I can usually tick off most activities on those bucket list sites to the point I run out of ideas to do and I'm just doing it again for the 2nd or 3rd time round.

He's presumably young himself. He's an apprentice which means... studying something. So not uneducated at all. Not university educated no, but again it's nothing to sneer at. Some of my most well off friends are tradespeople.

He spends the rest of his time in the pub, oh, do uni students not do that? Once they have the baby hopefully that will change, as most people do when they face responsibility.

People are not their families. His in laws being SAHMS is irrelevant as to whether he personally is unambitious. You have no idea what his ambitions are. He's still very young for christ sake. He might have massive ambitions?! We don't know!

I do understand how you feel,this has not happened to me but I think I would feel the same as you if this happened.your niece may fulfil all of her ambitions with a child, but it will be more difficult without support from her partner.she sounds lovely and smart so don’t worry too much..a child is always a gift,so focus on that.

I don't doubt that those things can be experienced in different ways. I just think there is something particularly challenging about having to survive in a place where you can't communicate properly, where everything is unfamiliar, and you don't have any family or friends nearby.

And please don't assume that my DD could afford it either. She worked in a garden centre and as a baby-sitter and saved up for her tickets and accomodation. She ran out of money while she was there - twice - and had to work her way to various destinations and work when she arrived.

And sorry but you say "apparently" in this sarcastic way as if travel is frivolous and unnecessary but just look at the world. Wouldn't we all benefit from our youngsters having an understanding of different cultures and viewpoints. Why wouldn't you want that for your own child?

I won’t go into details but experienced something similar with my eldest daughter.
Practically I had the space to have a nursery and their own living space (even to rent it’s ridiculously expensive here- as are many places). But I didn’t sugarcoat the situation; saying to both of them that their lives have shifted and that their priorities will be the baby.
i worried about so many things, to include wider environmental issues and to more everyday things like ensuring that the baby had the best start in life. Education is so important to future outcomes and children born to younger families tend to have make less progress.
I completely get it, they’re bringing a new life into the world. I’m sure it will work out, but I feel that this thinking is a low bar. I want my kids to travel, experience life, have a fulfilling career and these choices now will be very compromised. I get you and understand your concerns.

OP I understand how you feel. I have a family member who was in a similar situation at 19. Of course it will be harder for her to realise the dreams she had with a child at 19. It’s idiotic for people to say it isn’t.
It isn't the life you wanted for her and crucially, it isn’t the life she has expressed previously that she wanted. It makes sense that you feel scared and a bit disappointed for her future.

I went to uni in my early 20s after having my DS at 19, I wasn't the only teen mam and I studied a medical discipline because I though thats a good life choice.

Having a kid young does not ruin education, although I will say a university education has done nothing for me in life. With the state of the NHS, the over saturation of qualified people and the low pay I'm literally no better off.

University won't necessarily improve anything.

@Ottervision he lives with a peer group where the norm is woman stays at home with dinner on the table when he gets in. Lives in an area of poor social mobility etc. Chances are he isn’t going to change

He is working for his father's business, presumably, so no a 'no hoper'. Not everyone wants a 'career', some women (20% who wish to stay at home with children full-time and 60% who want to work part-time and be with children the rest of the time) want to be at home and create a world and a life for themselves, partner and DCs. Not depressing. What I find depressing is the idea that a woman staying at home with her children is 'depressing' - as though that were a waste of a life. Such nonsense! I never wanted to go out to work (but had to) instead wishing to do the work I wanted - write and paint. What's to stop DN from doing things she wishes if she is economically comfortable enough with BF?