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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband sulks

63 replies

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 21:28

Title says it all basically.
Dh is otherwise a good husband/father. Does his fair share around the house and with the dc. We are a good team in that respect. Life is hard as we have a toddler together (no childcare so never get a break) and I have a teen ds from previous marriage who is fairly independent but brings his own share of angst and attitude to the house.
The evenings are the only time we have to chill but dh has been very surly and sulky recently. Little comments send him into silent mode all night which creates an atmosphere.
Example: he was debating with ds about the football and it was getting a bit heated so I told them both to shut up which dh took very literally and has sat in stony silence ever since.
But this type of thing happens often and I'm so bored of it.
At the time when we could be chilling and having a laugh he just creates an atmosphere over nothing. I've told him many times I don't like it but he still does it.
How do you deal with a sulker? I have taken myself to another room for now.

OP posts:
somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 25/06/2024 21:43

Divorce him?

Sounds like a pretty regular thing. Silent treatment is abusive behaviour.

Can you talk to him when things are calm, bring this up, talk about why he does it? He's supposed to be the adult here.

Good luck.

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 21:46

I have tried to talk about it and explain why I hate it. I really struggle in unpleasant environments and I don't like my kids around it either. If we've had a row I'd rather clear the air whereas he is perfectly happy to live in silence for days. It's fucking horrible.
I don't think it's deliberate abuse, more his personality.
I need some tips on dealing with it because as much as I don't like to live with it, I also don't enjoy being the one who has to be peacemaker every time especially when I've done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Whothefuckdoesthat · 25/06/2024 21:48

Sit him down when you’re not going to be interrupted by kids. Ask him if there’s anything going on that’s making him unhappy, or is he wanting to make any changes to his life that he needs to discuss with you, because you’ve noticed his reactions to things are a little more intense than they normally are. Has something triggered this? If he says yes, then you’ve got your answer and you can go from there. If he says no, then tell him you’re not prepared to walk on eggshells for the next 40 years and he has to sort himself out because the sulking has to stop.

Woahtherehoney · 25/06/2024 21:50

It might be his personality, but he knows you don’t like it and he still continues to do it? That’s not cool.

My ex knew that the silent treatment made me incredibly anxious and upset - he did it deliberately to upset me, especially when I didn’t even know what I’d done wrong so I was left wondering and concerned.

It’s really not ok - don’t let him treat you this way.

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 21:51

I agree it's not ok. I feel like he knows I will crack and make peace so he keeps it up. Me trying to clear the air is like me blinking first even when I've done very little to create the situation.

OP posts:
BeHazelFox · 25/06/2024 21:54

Ignore bad behaviour, reward good. Basic parenting. Your husband is behaving like a child.

muggart · 25/06/2024 22:00

"Oh are you sulking again?" Then laugh and ignore him.

Trick is not to let him know it gets to you since that's why he's doing it.

Didimum · 25/06/2024 22:02

Sulking behaviour is ridiculous on all levels. How did you tell them to shut up? Like ‘oh, shut up, the pair of you’ lighthearted? Or was it more aggressive/hard? I don’t think telling people to shut up is ok – do you do it a lot? Does he feel like you’re trying to control his conversations or undermine him? Why did they have to shut up?

Whothefuckdoesthat · 25/06/2024 22:03

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 21:51

I agree it's not ok. I feel like he knows I will crack and make peace so he keeps it up. Me trying to clear the air is like me blinking first even when I've done very little to create the situation.

You’re quite possibly right. So stop trying to make things better.

You could say ‘right, you’ve had your ten minutes of sulking. So either sort yourself out and pull yourself together or fuck off to your mum’s house until you’re ready to behave like a grown up again, cause I’ve already got one toddler to look after’.

Or you could tell him that he is an inch away from losing his family and you’re considering separation, as you can’t carry on living like this.

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 22:06

Didimum · 25/06/2024 22:02

Sulking behaviour is ridiculous on all levels. How did you tell them to shut up? Like ‘oh, shut up, the pair of you’ lighthearted? Or was it more aggressive/hard? I don’t think telling people to shut up is ok – do you do it a lot? Does he feel like you’re trying to control his conversations or undermine him? Why did they have to shut up?

I spend a lot of time mediating between him and ds. Overall they get on ok (dh and I have been together since ds was little) but now he's a teen there's a lot of alpha male nonsense between them and we do clash over it. He thinks ds is rude (he can be) and I think dh needs to pick his battles.
Saying shut up wasn't the best, but I was trying to diffuse a row before one began. And in the end it resulted in the same shitty sulking as always anyway.
Life is hard and exhausting as it is, it's just draining.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 25/06/2024 22:07

Believe in yourself. You've done nothing wrong. As you've discovered silence is a powerful weapon.
Strike back with totally ignoring him. After a month start divorce proceedings

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/06/2024 22:18

Sulking is generally not OK but I'd be upset to be told to shut up. Something along the lines of 'come on guys, let's tone it down before someone gets upset' but shut up sounds harsh and disrespectful. I probably wouldn't want to speak to someone who thought it was appropriate to talk to me in that way...however appreciate its all in the tone and different relationships have different levels of acceptable 'banter'

Member786488 · 25/06/2024 22:18

My dh did this a lot. Every perceived criticism would see him sulking or acting aggressively as a defense.

we’ve been married 24 years, kids are 18 and 20. This is relevant because he really improved (hence still being together) when we got past the stressful child and teen-rearing stages.

he now apologises. Not immediately but he does. He never sulks any more, if he’s angry he can articulate why, which diffuses it. He had the most appalling relationship with his father and his mother left him and his dad when he was a young child, so in my opinion he had to learn that it’s ok to be angry, and that it doesn’t mean you’ll be hit, or abandoned.

if you can be bothered to wait, or to work at it, because there’s no reason why you should have to (I chose to stay because I he was, ultimately, a good father) I’d recommend a really good talk about mutual respect (when you’re both calm etc) patience, love, (again, only if he’s worth it) and sympathy. Sulking is an attempt to control - it’s sad he hasn’t a healthier way to show he’s pissed off.

I wish it hadn’t taken my dh almost 50 years to learn that it’s legitimate to be angry and to express it without sulking, but it did. I’m glad we (I) stuck at it though because our relationship is worth it and we really connect in almost every other way.
good luck.

Achillo · 25/06/2024 22:42

You told him to shut up.
Literally to shut up?
Do you normally speak to him like that?
I wouldn't call it getting the silent treatment if you spoke to him like that and then he didn't want to any close contact. Most people wouldn't.

BagFullOfNoodles · 25/06/2024 22:46

I'd be furious if DH told me to shut up.
Neither of you seem able to communicate appropriately

Pigeonqueen · 25/06/2024 22:52

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 21:28

Title says it all basically.
Dh is otherwise a good husband/father. Does his fair share around the house and with the dc. We are a good team in that respect. Life is hard as we have a toddler together (no childcare so never get a break) and I have a teen ds from previous marriage who is fairly independent but brings his own share of angst and attitude to the house.
The evenings are the only time we have to chill but dh has been very surly and sulky recently. Little comments send him into silent mode all night which creates an atmosphere.
Example: he was debating with ds about the football and it was getting a bit heated so I told them both to shut up which dh took very literally and has sat in stony silence ever since.
But this type of thing happens often and I'm so bored of it.
At the time when we could be chilling and having a laugh he just creates an atmosphere over nothing. I've told him many times I don't like it but he still does it.
How do you deal with a sulker? I have taken myself to another room for now.

I mean how heated were they? If they were just very loud and animated and actually enjoying a debate you were rude to tell them to shut up. I would have gone and done something else if the noise was annoying me.

Noseybookworm · 25/06/2024 23:06

To be fair, if my DH told me to shut up I'd be pretty pissed off and probably wouldn't feel like talking to him either. Is it sulking or is it him just being upset because you've had a go at him?

Gymnopedie · 26/06/2024 01:25

And does DH feel like the 'shut up' was aimed at him but not your son and you were taking sides?
Obviously your son comes first, but there is a balance. How do you react when DS is rude?

Shoxfordian · 26/06/2024 04:54

Has he always been like this? Sulking is so unattractive

SGsling · 26/06/2024 05:19

I also would not react in a good way to being told to shut up.

notwithstanding, sulking is an atrocious character failing, and a disgusting habit to practice in front of your children, and therefore of course inculcate in them.

I dont know the best way to deal with a sulker when owning their behavior, or even hearing that other people recognize it is such an existential threat to them. In simple- I left mine and true to form he’s still sulking about it, years later.

Maybe he’ll grow out of it, but I don’t think I could live with myself until I had said to him that his sulking is ruining your marriage, and that you are asking him to stop. Of course he will deny he’s a sulker at the start, but maybe that leads to “OK, call it what you like but the substance of your actions, is ruining the marriage. So can we focus on the ruined marriage rather than argue the toss over the label to avoid dealing with the real issue.”

autienotnaughty · 26/06/2024 06:43

It's really rude to tell someone to shut up just because you no longer want the conversation.

Sulking is annoying. You could talk to him when he's not in a sulk and explain how frustrating it is. Or treat him like a child and ignore his poor behaviour.

I would apologise for saying shut up though.

GabriellaMontez · 26/06/2024 06:55

I spend a lot of time mediating between him and ds

Could this be the real problem? Is the sulking regarding ds?

Purpleday1 · 26/06/2024 06:57

He's a abusing you, pure and simple.
Ignore him and start thinking about what you want your future to look like.

Maray1967 · 26/06/2024 07:07

BeHazelFox · 25/06/2024 21:54

Ignore bad behaviour, reward good. Basic parenting. Your husband is behaving like a child.

Yes, I would go with this approach - I would not be the one to try to clear the air. I’d simply teach him that the silent treatment does not punish me - he needs to know you’ll just happily ignore it. If he knows it’s bothering you, he’ll keep doing it.

CurlewKate · 26/06/2024 07:13

@funnybones23
"Life is hard as we have a toddler together (no childcare so never get a break) and I have a teen ds from previous marriage"

I know this isn't what you're talking about, but this leapt out at me. If life is hard is that really why? How is life hard? Is there anything you can do about it?

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