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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sulks

63 replies

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 21:28

Title says it all basically.
Dh is otherwise a good husband/father. Does his fair share around the house and with the dc. We are a good team in that respect. Life is hard as we have a toddler together (no childcare so never get a break) and I have a teen ds from previous marriage who is fairly independent but brings his own share of angst and attitude to the house.
The evenings are the only time we have to chill but dh has been very surly and sulky recently. Little comments send him into silent mode all night which creates an atmosphere.
Example: he was debating with ds about the football and it was getting a bit heated so I told them both to shut up which dh took very literally and has sat in stony silence ever since.
But this type of thing happens often and I'm so bored of it.
At the time when we could be chilling and having a laugh he just creates an atmosphere over nothing. I've told him many times I don't like it but he still does it.
How do you deal with a sulker? I have taken myself to another room for now.

OP posts:
QueenBakingBee · 28/06/2024 11:35

Creamteasandbumblebees · 28/06/2024 11:21

Narcissistic behaviour at it's finest.

Find a quiet moment "Your behaviour recently is not okay, I won't put up with it and I will not raise my children in an environment where they witness this behaviour and learn it's acceptable. If you are angry or upset I expect you to explain why and I will give you space. Next time you give me the silent treatment I will ask you to leave permanently, it will be the end of our marriage.

This is a good way to set a boundary - he can choose how to behave (sulking) in the future, however what is so good about this post is you are giving him the heads up what your response will be.

godmum56 · 28/06/2024 12:15

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 22:06

I spend a lot of time mediating between him and ds. Overall they get on ok (dh and I have been together since ds was little) but now he's a teen there's a lot of alpha male nonsense between them and we do clash over it. He thinks ds is rude (he can be) and I think dh needs to pick his battles.
Saying shut up wasn't the best, but I was trying to diffuse a row before one began. And in the end it resulted in the same shitty sulking as always anyway.
Life is hard and exhausting as it is, it's just draining.

Show quote history

does you DH co parent your teenage son? Because if he does then you and he need to demonstrate a common front and if he doesn't then maybe your son needs to listen more to you and cut out the pissing contests. I don't think saying shut up (while maybe understandable) is ever going to defuse anything! Maybe a conversation with your DH about how you can present a united front against teen awfulness might be in order?

Newfortoday · 28/06/2024 12:17

When we were first married my husband used the silent treatment every time he was upset. He did it because that was the way his mother had behaved. After a while I decided to ignore it. I just carried on addressing him as if he wasn't ignoring me. It worked. He never sulks now and we have been married nigh on 40 years.

bonzaitree · 28/06/2024 12:22

I don’t know about this one OP.

On the one hand you told him to shut up… so he did.

Generally speaking though sulking is bad.

Technonan · 28/06/2024 12:23

I think if your post was about him telling you to shut up, you'd be getting a lot of support and sympathy and the LTB brigade would be out in force. I do not like being told to shut up, and I would never tell someone I cared about to shut up. You both need to find better ways of talking about this.

MrsB74 · 28/06/2024 15:52

My DH used to sulk a lot - I basically told him that it was a complete waste of energy and I wasn’t prepared to accept it. Then I just ignored it every time and continued to laugh and joke with the children etc. in his presence. Basically refused to let the sulking create an atmosphere. I think it finally clicked that he was no longer getting any attention for the sulking. I have a friend who’s DH can sulk for weeks; that would drive me insane and I would just leave.

Whataretalkingabout · 28/06/2024 16:12

I stopped my dh's sulking by drawing a picture of him sulking like a baby and the words: sulking is bad for your health and is destroying our relationship. Stop now, speak up when you are unhappy or angry or I will leave with the children. I left this on his desk and it worked.

The problem is partly to get their attention focused on the real problem and not allowing them to avoid, deflect, become defensive or fight back and getting them to really listen. Good luck.

bragpuss · 28/06/2024 16:21

Ignore PP telling you its your fault. You need to give him an ultimatum quit this BS or its over. Hes acting like a twat

Original poster
funnybones23 · 28/06/2024 17:53

Technonan · 28/06/2024 12:23

I think if your post was about him telling you to shut up, you'd be getting a lot of support and sympathy and the LTB brigade would be out in force. I do not like being told to shut up, and I would never tell someone I cared about to shut up. You both need to find better ways of talking about this.

The shut up was to both of them and a roundabout way of telling them to pack it in before the situation became heated. It wasn't just directed at him.
I've admitted it wasn't the best choice of words however I would much rather use my words than be petulant and sulky over a situation I wasn't happy with. It's incredibly childish.

OP posts:
Nonewclothes2024 · 28/06/2024 19:30

Silent treatment is abuse.

CosyLemur · 28/06/2024 19:31

Why is it sulking to be upset about something?
Why aren't you trying to find out what is upsetting him?

CosyLemur · 28/06/2024 19:35

funnybones23 · 25/06/2024 22:06

I spend a lot of time mediating between him and ds. Overall they get on ok (dh and I have been together since ds was little) but now he's a teen there's a lot of alpha male nonsense between them and we do clash over it. He thinks ds is rude (he can be) and I think dh needs to pick his battles.
Saying shut up wasn't the best, but I was trying to diffuse a row before one began. And in the end it resulted in the same shitty sulking as always anyway.
Life is hard and exhausting as it is, it's just draining.

Show quote history

There is no picking battles with a rude teenager - you nip it in the bud straight away!
You're the problem you're taking your son's side.
I think your DH needs to leave the bitch!

Original poster
funnybones23 · 28/06/2024 19:42

@CosyLemur wow you're nice 😂😂😂
He's allowed to be upset, it would just be nice if he could communicate it in an adult way. HTH.

OP posts:
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