Husband sulks

[funnybones23]

Title says it all basically.
Dh is otherwise a good husband/father. Does his fair share around the house and with the dc. We are a good team in that respect. Life is hard as we have a toddler together (no childcare so never get a break) and I have a teen ds from previous marriage who is fairly independent but brings his own share of angst and attitude to the house.
The evenings are the only time we have to chill but dh has been very surly and sulky recently. Little comments send him into silent mode all night which creates an atmosphere.
Example: he was debating with ds about the football and it was getting a bit heated so I told them both to shut up which dh took very literally and has sat in stony silence ever since.
But this type of thing happens often and I'm so bored of it.
At the time when we could be chilling and having a laugh he just creates an atmosphere over nothing. I've told him many times I don't like it but he still does it.
How do you deal with a sulker? I have taken myself to another room for now.

I would tell him that sulking is abusive behaviour and if he wants to continue in the relationship needs to stop it.

I think people are focusing too much on the OP having told her husband and son to shut up. She says that he sulks often. There’s another thread on husbands sulking where someone says that their husband sulks if the floor is at his feet and the ceiling above his head.

This thread.

"Little comments send him into silent mode all night which creates an atmosphere.
Example: he was debating with ds about the football and it was getting a bit heated so I told them both to shut up which dh took very literally and has sat in stony silence ever since."
You tell him to shut up, in front of his step-son, and you're surprised by his reaction?

All the men in my family are like this OP. Yes, it is very boring, not to mention stressful to be around. Sending hugs.

After reading your OP I thought it would be alpha male bullshit with your stepson and bingo it is.

The amount of times this comes up both on here and irl is a really sad indicator of fragile male ego.

I'd be pissed if someone told me to shut up.....sounds like they were having typical football chat and you felt left out. Is you stepping in always the catalyst?

Counselling. I had a sulker and now I don't. It wasn't the sole reason for counselling but it was a decent chunk of it. It is now fully resolved so there is hope. I was at a point where i ws genuinely willing to walk away though so I think sometimes they need to feel the fear of knowing that they will need to rebuild their life if they don't commit to resolving this.

Absolutely not. And it's a bit of a stretch to suggest I created the whole thing because I felt left out 🙈
They clash often and I just try to diffuse situations before they get heated and rude towards one another. I admit using the words shut up probably isn't the best way to do this.
We all need to communicate more respectfully but frankly I'd rather be told to shut up than have someone give me the silent treatment and create hours of misery and toxic atmosphere. The worst thing is he seems happy enough to live with it whereas I can't. Or maybe he's just waiting for me to predictably make the peace.

I mean that life is an endless cycle of work, kids, chores, sleep, repeat. There is no opportunity for a break and it does take its toll on us.
But his moods lately (sulking and snapping) are making things even worse. I know he's tired and stressed because I am too. But I shouldn't have to live with that.

It was a suggestion to think about you don't need to get so worked up.
With children we say leave them to sort it out unless necessary so they find their way.....maybe these two need the same?

Except @jannier one is an adult. A sulker who gives the silent treatment. OP needs to intervene here.

Apart from that we only have one viewpoint and don't know the history. It's never a bad thing to step back and think "did I play a part? Could I be making things worse in the relationship between 2 people by trying to intervene?" It doesn't mean you are or it's wrong but thinking wider often opens our mind to others points of view even if you don't think you did wrong it helps you mediate and empathise if needed .....and I'm not saying it is.
Often the blow up or in this case increasing shut downs is caused by other things that are building up.
My mum used to get upset and think people were arguing when they were just discussing things because she never questioned anyone's opinions....it got really annoying because you couldn't talk to anyone around her. If op is like my mum she would say but they are always arguing when they aren't.

Which is all very interesting, but at the same time doesn’t make sulking OK.

How did that work? How did you persuade him that counseling needed to happen and how long did it take to work?
Also has he apologized for the damage that sulking does and do you think he actually meant it?

Id pushed for counselling befire but to no avail. Finally, I said I'm done unless we get counselling and I'm calling to arrange the appointment now and if you don't come then we're done- and I meant it. We probably had about 8-10 sessions at 1 hour each. A lot of good conversations were had.

Yes, he has changed. He put in the work and has been sulk free for 6+ years. We also resolved the other issue, which was also an emotional issue (but I don't want to go into that here- it certainly wasnt cheating or anything like that).

I think it's fair to say that he has actually changed. We are genuinely so happy now and the changes have become habits. The strangest thing though, is that I can't even recall much if those sessions. It was hard work at the time but it's almost like I've erased it.

Oh god I used to be married to a sulker. Divorced him and I’ve never been happier.

I left mine after almost 20 years, earlier this year.

It was killing me. I was constantly moderating my behaviour, managing others, managing situations, just to keep him happy and avoid the moods and the sulks.
A lot of the time the sulks really were over nothing. They marked many trips, holidays, family visits.

Life is too short.
It will take me a long time to heal and unlearn unhealthy patterns and but I am so glad I am out the other side.

Good luck op, it’s no way to live.

This. Football fans get animated when discussing football, especially during major tournaments. 🤷‍♀️

But domineering and controlling others conversations is potentially fine ....and you missed the whole point....Reflection things are rarely simply one sided.

@Boomer55 you are missing the point and detracting away from the actual issue. I understand the dynamics of my own household. I can see when a conversation is heading towards a row based on past experience and y'know, actually knowing my own husband and son. So yes I told them to shut up / pack it in before it became overly heated and unpleasant. As many similar situations have in the past.
I've acknowledged that it wasn't a good choice of words however I don't think it merited a night of sulking. Again, like many other occasions in the past.
If he had a problem with the way I spoke he could have addressed it with me separately rather than going into a pathetic mood all night and creating a bad atmosphere.

I used to go out with a sulker (at one point we lived together). My life was so much better once we split up.

His next girlfriend dumped him for sulking - smart woman. I should have done that.

I have a sulker. He always appears to want to break the sulk with sex. I ended the last row we had with “and I guess now you’ll sulk until you get horny”. I think I’m more communicative than him, he feels like he can’t win, so effectively punishes me by sulking.

Narcissistic behaviour at it's finest.

Find a quiet moment "Your behaviour recently is not okay, I won't put up with it and I will not raise my children in an environment where they witness this behaviour and learn it's acceptable. If you are angry or upset I expect you to explain why and I will give you space. Next time you give me the silent treatment I will ask you to leave permanently, it will be the end of our marriage.

He sulks because he gets what he wants. You will always break and make peace and he sees that as a win.