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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my granddaughter will blame us?

78 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 13:59

There is much documented evidence and official reports into the importance of building firm early foundations for each and every child. Also, many adults blaming/excusing their behaviour because of poor childhood experiences.

It feels as if we are just sitting back and allowing our granddaughter to suffer and that, in future, she could turn around and say we did nothing to support her. This makes me feel so bad.

My daughter and I watched her sports day. The weather was lovely. It was a great atmosphere. KS2 children were sat one side of the track and parents opposite. We were sat directly opposite to where my granddaughter was. She was at the back, on the end of the row next to the finish line.

She looked so sad. She was staring straight ahead. She ignored us waving frantically at her. In the two hours that parents were allowed on the premises, no one spoke directly to her and she spoke to no one. All the other children were cheering, laughing, clapping, shouting encouragement and thoroughly enjoying themselves whilst she stared ahead. My daughter and I kept looking at each other, knowing what we each thought. It breaks my heart. She was completely out of her comfort zone. She has to really concentrate hard to cut out everything which overwhelms her - she can't cope with noise.

DGD took part in two races. She looked and moved awkwardly. People clapped but no one shouted her name in encouragement, like they did for other peers/students.

When she was picked up from school a few hours later, I asked if she had enjoyed sports day and she said yes - which is probably what she thought I wanted her to say.

She has no friends. No one has replied to her birthday invitations which will be in the summer holiday. No one has invited her to their parties this year. In KS 1, she attended all class parties she was invited to and some of the class came to her party, but this seems to have stopped this year as the children now invite select friends.

She has told her mum that she is lonely at school and that she would like to go to a new school and make friends.

We have been concerned for years that she has autism (like her mother) and have asked for help from health visitor, GP, nursery and school.

This academic year (Y3) she had 'leggo therapy' in the first term and THRIVE after Christmas.

She was referred to CAMHS two years ago but we recently found out that we have to apply again and fill in the forms again because of a change of 'systems'. She won't be seen before she goes to High School - the wait is now 5 years.

We've voiced our concerns since she was a baby and we're still waiting for help/guidance. She is now asking us to help her. We just keep hitting barriers.

How do you actually get help and support for a child who is begging for help?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 25/06/2024 14:10

You actually sound very intense. Its fairly normal for children to be loners and not enjoy things like sports days. You are making this a bigger issue than it is I feel. Are you projecting onto her? The title of the post is about you not her. Think about that.

Im sure school are aware of any issues and are working on them with her. But my advice is to back off. This is your grandchild not your child

If your grandchild is unhappy then her mother should speak to school

annabofana · 25/06/2024 14:20

I'm surprised by the first reply. I didn't read it like that.

I felt very sad reading your post.

Is she an only child?

Does she do any extracurricular activities?

Some kids are quiet / loners, but she has asked to move school to make friends, so it sounds like it's not quite how the previous poster views it.

I'm not sure how you would get help. Maybe looking into a new, supportive school might be an idea? It doesn't seem right that she will be at high school before CAHMS will help.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 25/06/2024 14:21

I don't think you sound intense, I think you sound heartbroken.

Make all the noise you can at school to get her support with making friendships. Does she have an autism diagnosis?

Backtothe80splease · 25/06/2024 14:22

I don’t think you are intense. You sound like a kind and caring grandparent who is concerned for her dgd.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 14:23

I'm possibly undiagnosed - I have traits. I've always been described as laid back. 😉

According to my younger daughter, I am 'text book'. But I had friends at primary school and good, close friends now. My daughter (diagnosed) has always had good friends.

Also, was a primary teacher for 20 years - didn't encounter many children without friends.

DGD hasn't seemed bothered about having friends until very recently. She is 'quirky' - the current SENCo's words.

The problem is - getting help/a diagnosis. We don't want to explain autistic traits to her if she isn't.

When we tell her to talk to her classmates and make friends she's been accused of trying to take a friend from another child which has really upset her.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 25/06/2024 14:26

Try looking at local FB groups that you can take her to where she can socialise with other children.
It won't solve the school issue but school is not the only place she can find friends. It might help.

Roundroundthegarden · 25/06/2024 14:27

This was really heartbreaking to read. Sounds like she really needs support. Why are the school not helping her make some friends? Maybe take her for an extra special day out to something specific that she loves for her birthday instead. Awful that she's attended everyone else's but not hers.

PrincessTeaSet · 25/06/2024 14:28

Maddy70 · 25/06/2024 14:10

You actually sound very intense. Its fairly normal for children to be loners and not enjoy things like sports days. You are making this a bigger issue than it is I feel. Are you projecting onto her? The title of the post is about you not her. Think about that.

Im sure school are aware of any issues and are working on them with her. But my advice is to back off. This is your grandchild not your child

If your grandchild is unhappy then her mother should speak to school

Really unhelpful response! Sounds like you're the one projecting.

OP, maybe it's worth speaking to the school, looking at other schools, home schooling perhaps? Online support groups may be able to advise?

sprigatito · 25/06/2024 14:29

You don't sound intense at all, your worry and frustration are completely appropriate. It's horrendous watching a child suffer and cope without support when you know they could be thriving if their needs were met.

It's bleak, but my best advice would be to save up for a private autism assessment. Once you get the diagnosis it's a lot easier to get reasonable adjustments and support in place, and an EHCP; in my experience things often deteriorate sharply once they start secondary school, so you need those official things in place so you can protect her later on.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 14:30

reallyworriedjobhunter · 25/06/2024 14:21

I don't think you sound intense, I think you sound heartbroken.

Make all the noise you can at school to get her support with making friendships. Does she have an autism diagnosis?

I am heartbroken - her mother is too.

The fact that she is coping academically is not helpful. She is very quiet - the overlooked child.

She follows instructions/rules religiously and is the girl who will tell the teacher of any rule breaking going on in class - so that won't endear her to her peers. If the teacher says 'no talking' - she 'grasses up' her classmates. We've tried to explain this is not something to get involved in - but she's adamant that she is 'right'.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 25/06/2024 14:33

I don't think you sound intense OP, you sound like a very caring grandma.

I don't think the school should have put her through the ordeal of sports day if they are aware of her issues. What's the point if it stresses her out like that. There must be other kids that miss it and do something else together. If not, pull her out in future. I'm usually one for building resilience etc but this sounds horrible for her and achieves nothing.

sprigatito · 25/06/2024 14:35

Try social stories for helping her navigate nuanced situations (like the grassing up her friends). Autistic kids may not "get" all the social expectations naturally as NT kids do, but what a lot of people don't realise is that they can learn them. My autistic child learned about idioms, sarcasm, white lies etc the way he learned maths and geography. He's now incredibly skilled socially, though he is of course still different and still autistic. There are loads of resources out there for this stuff - try the national autistic society for starters, and Google social stories.

OrlandointheWilderness · 25/06/2024 14:37

What is she interested in OP? Maybe something extra curricular would help, such as riding lessons of music or dance.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 14:44

sprigatito · 25/06/2024 14:29

You don't sound intense at all, your worry and frustration are completely appropriate. It's horrendous watching a child suffer and cope without support when you know they could be thriving if their needs were met.

It's bleak, but my best advice would be to save up for a private autism assessment. Once you get the diagnosis it's a lot easier to get reasonable adjustments and support in place, and an EHCP; in my experience things often deteriorate sharply once they start secondary school, so you need those official things in place so you can protect her later on.

I have looked into private assessment and spoken with the Ed. Psych who does this locally - ex colleague from my work. I would love to book her in, H thinks differently.

We've had play dates which all end disastrously - as she won't allow anyone to touch her belongings, not even me. The fallout is too epic to deal with - my dining room table is a mixture of dictionaries, felt tipped pens and hama beads which I can't clear away for fear of meltdowns.

She has two younger brothers also awaiting assessment.

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 25/06/2024 14:46

I think you could talk about autism with her in a general sense, rather than waiting for a diagnosis. My son doesn't have a diagnosis, but has some traits. He knows other people with ASD and we talk about their experiences and what he feels he relates to. Maybe talk about your DD and the things she finds difficult, maybe your DGD will open up about the things she struggles with.
If she has rigid thinking, you could explore how other people might not think in the same way, and why that might be, and how that can cause friction.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 25/06/2024 14:48

Check out nhs right to choose. You can go for autism assessment anywhere in england choose somewhere with shorter wait times! Even if its ages away would you consider travelling?

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/ is the list of ADHD providers offering lower wait times. But many also do ASD assessment. You can also speak to your GP to find one with shorter wait times.

ADHD UK Logo

Right to Choose - ADHD UK

Right to Choose - If you are based in England under the NHS you now have a legal right to choose your mental healthcare provider and your choice of mental healthcare team.

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 14:51

She loves Harry Potter stuff. She loves to discuss the difference between book and film.

She memorises huge chunks of dialogue and talks over the top of all her favourite films - really annoying.

She does gymnastics - she's hypermobile and likes to make people grimace when she over extends her arms and legs - she says it doesn't hurt.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 25/06/2024 14:52

I don't know what your funds are like but we went through a private assessment for my DD recently. It was really stress free, took about 6 weeks all told and my DD does in fact have ASD (as expected).

Otherwise perhaps consider treating her as if she has ASD and see if it improves things for her. My DD went without diagnosis so long because I too have ASD and our house is very ASD friendly - quiet, no funny smells, lots of routine, total acceptance of any and all sensory issues, low expectation on things like small talk, etc..

MakeMineExtraHot · 25/06/2024 14:59

You don't sound intense to me. Normal concerns especially if mum is on the spectrum. Best thing you could do is find the money to be privately assessed.

Summerpigeon · 25/06/2024 15:16

Samantha craft
Autism in girls/women checklist .
I'm diagnosed autistic,school was absolutely hell for me .I too zoned out to cope .
Can you pay private for a diagnosis for her .
Girls with autism do mask and often are academically bright
But schools should know this by now ,that just because someone isn't chucking chairs through windows, doesn't mean they are coping .
It's a long long fight together a child diagnosed and an ehcp in place
The sooner you start the better .
Start with your school and GP and don't be fobbed off
Secondary school ,is a whole new level of Hell when your autistic

Summerpigeon · 25/06/2024 15:19

Ehlers_Danlos syndrome
Linked to autism

AxolotlEars · 25/06/2024 15:22

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 14:23

I'm possibly undiagnosed - I have traits. I've always been described as laid back. 😉

According to my younger daughter, I am 'text book'. But I had friends at primary school and good, close friends now. My daughter (diagnosed) has always had good friends.

Also, was a primary teacher for 20 years - didn't encounter many children without friends.

DGD hasn't seemed bothered about having friends until very recently. She is 'quirky' - the current SENCo's words.

The problem is - getting help/a diagnosis. We don't want to explain autistic traits to her if she isn't.

When we tell her to talk to her classmates and make friends she's been accused of trying to take a friend from another child which has really upset her.

I am probably autistic, have children who are neuro diverse and a lot of experience with SEN.....'quirky' is a word that we joke about , in my family, as a pre autism diagnosis!

Screamingabdabz · 25/06/2024 15:31

You seem to have projected a lot of feelings on to her that may not be right - at sports day you said she looked sad and lonely but she said she enjoyed it. I hated sports day and would’ve zoned out like that but maybe that is what gets her through. Maybe adults and children cheering her on isn’t what she wants.

Maybe she’s not bothered about friends and parties? Especially if other children seem annoying to her, noisy and messing with her things…and she has a rich inner world? Maybe she’s ok - and you are looking at it through the lens of NT norms?

Thepurplecar · 25/06/2024 15:39

So she's likely neurodivergent. Don't be holding out for a diagnosis - it won't change anything - there is no support. It really is up to family to meet her needs. All the guff about doing the best for every child and inclusivity - it's all meaningless BS. A child has to be severely disabled to qualify for anything at all - your GD is likely what used to be called 'high functioning' which means she's expected to get on with it.

Sorry if that sounds negative. On the positive side, knowledge is power. Family are best placed to identify and meet her needs - don't wait for experts that simply aren't there. You really do know best. Trust yourselves, trust her and get on with making life meaningful.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 15:45

Summerpigeon · 25/06/2024 15:19

Ehlers_Danlos syndrome
Linked to autism

Her mum is diagnosed hEDS.

OP posts: