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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my granddaughter will blame us?

78 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 13:59

There is much documented evidence and official reports into the importance of building firm early foundations for each and every child. Also, many adults blaming/excusing their behaviour because of poor childhood experiences.

It feels as if we are just sitting back and allowing our granddaughter to suffer and that, in future, she could turn around and say we did nothing to support her. This makes me feel so bad.

My daughter and I watched her sports day. The weather was lovely. It was a great atmosphere. KS2 children were sat one side of the track and parents opposite. We were sat directly opposite to where my granddaughter was. She was at the back, on the end of the row next to the finish line.

She looked so sad. She was staring straight ahead. She ignored us waving frantically at her. In the two hours that parents were allowed on the premises, no one spoke directly to her and she spoke to no one. All the other children were cheering, laughing, clapping, shouting encouragement and thoroughly enjoying themselves whilst she stared ahead. My daughter and I kept looking at each other, knowing what we each thought. It breaks my heart. She was completely out of her comfort zone. She has to really concentrate hard to cut out everything which overwhelms her - she can't cope with noise.

DGD took part in two races. She looked and moved awkwardly. People clapped but no one shouted her name in encouragement, like they did for other peers/students.

When she was picked up from school a few hours later, I asked if she had enjoyed sports day and she said yes - which is probably what she thought I wanted her to say.

She has no friends. No one has replied to her birthday invitations which will be in the summer holiday. No one has invited her to their parties this year. In KS 1, she attended all class parties she was invited to and some of the class came to her party, but this seems to have stopped this year as the children now invite select friends.

She has told her mum that she is lonely at school and that she would like to go to a new school and make friends.

We have been concerned for years that she has autism (like her mother) and have asked for help from health visitor, GP, nursery and school.

This academic year (Y3) she had 'leggo therapy' in the first term and THRIVE after Christmas.

She was referred to CAMHS two years ago but we recently found out that we have to apply again and fill in the forms again because of a change of 'systems'. She won't be seen before she goes to High School - the wait is now 5 years.

We've voiced our concerns since she was a baby and we're still waiting for help/guidance. She is now asking us to help her. We just keep hitting barriers.

How do you actually get help and support for a child who is begging for help?

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 25/06/2024 15:46

Why not get a private educational psychologist assessment?

crazyBadger · 25/06/2024 15:58

If you have the money,-pay
Private diagnosis
Private speech and language report
Private occupation therapy report.
Apply (as a parent) for EHCPlan

But more importantly look around now for the school you want her to go to...

sprigatito · 25/06/2024 16:02

Thepurplecar · 25/06/2024 15:39

So she's likely neurodivergent. Don't be holding out for a diagnosis - it won't change anything - there is no support. It really is up to family to meet her needs. All the guff about doing the best for every child and inclusivity - it's all meaningless BS. A child has to be severely disabled to qualify for anything at all - your GD is likely what used to be called 'high functioning' which means she's expected to get on with it.

Sorry if that sounds negative. On the positive side, knowledge is power. Family are best placed to identify and meet her needs - don't wait for experts that simply aren't there. You really do know best. Trust yourselves, trust her and get on with making life meaningful.

I don't completely disagree about the paucity of support, but a diagnosis really can be useful if the shit hits the fan in secondary school. It can be the only tool in your armoury when trying to get a school to make a reasonable adjustment or even just honour their basic duty of care and ensure your child has access to the curriculum while being physically safe. I would not like to go through DS1's school years again without a diagnosis.

FanOhFan · 25/06/2024 16:15

My dd wasn't diagnosed until mid teens but because I knew she was Autistic from she was very young, I was able to bring her up with that in mind (I'm also Autistic)

She was also the class 'tattle tale' so we added a further 'rule' in, along the lines of it only being necessary to tell on children if someone is at risk of being hurt. For play dates, I bought some toys that were specifically for play dates only, and if my dd wanted friends to play in her room, we would go in beforehand and she'd decide if there were toys she didn't want played with and we'd remove those. She has still always struggled with friendships (as have I), but it made things slightly easier for her

And just to add, I moved schools when I was 8, and although I was very nervous at the thought of it, it turned out to be the best thing for me. It gave me a fresh start, and I ended up with a good few friendships that followed on into adulthood. So if your dgd is asking to move, I think it is definitely worth considering

AmelieTaylor · 25/06/2024 16:32

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

what has your H got against getting her assessed and why is his opinion over ruling yours & your DD's. I'd be getting her privately assessed regardless.

i think Social Stories really do help & I'd be starting with the 'shared living area' being for everyone, not just her.

Can you try a few other 'clubs' like Brownies to make friends.

What's your (or DD's) objection to her moving schools?

ohthejoys21 · 25/06/2024 18:27

What a strange, insensitive post. Intense?! Is being concerned about her granddaughter's unhappiness such an alien concept to you? No it's not normal for children to be loners. Most like to fit in and have friends. If she looked sad then she probably was.

Op if it was me I'd move her if I could, and start some clubs which interest her so she meets others from different schools.

AnnaMagnani · 25/06/2024 18:33

In terms of making friends I would look outside of school and to places that are likely to be full of neurodivergent girls such as horse riding, coding clubs or anything craft based.

Brownies is also supposed to be very good for inclusion.

BaldingMum · 25/06/2024 18:42

Maddy70 · 25/06/2024 14:10

You actually sound very intense. Its fairly normal for children to be loners and not enjoy things like sports days. You are making this a bigger issue than it is I feel. Are you projecting onto her? The title of the post is about you not her. Think about that.

Im sure school are aware of any issues and are working on them with her. But my advice is to back off. This is your grandchild not your child

If your grandchild is unhappy then her mother should speak to school

Awful response.

I fully sympathise with you, your dd and dgd. I could have near enough written this about my y2 ds and it is truly heartbreaking to watch.

TheFairCat · 25/06/2024 18:59

In terms of talking to her about it, we have had a similar dilemma with our daughter who is 8. She has obvious, quite complex needs but is adopted and had significant early trauma so a specific diagnosis is difficult as it’s hard to unpick it all. I have always thought it was important to talk to her about being different from her peers as she is abundantly aware of it, but wasn’t sure what to say.

A couple of friends have recently been diagnosed with autism and she was asking about it and I described what autism is and a bit about the assessment. She asked if she is autistic. I asked if she thinks she is and she said yes. I then said that I don’t know if she is autistic, but that I did think her brain works a little differently than others and that this is called neurodivergence. I explained that neurodivergence can be all sorts of things, including autism, ADHD, dyspraxia etc and named some of the (many) neurodivergent people we know. I think it’s really, really important to acknowledge, in a low-key, matter of fact way, when children may be neurodivergent. They will certainly have noticed differences themselves and might wonder why no one talks about it. It is important that it is normalised and any stigma removed.

papadontpreach2me · 25/06/2024 18:59

That's so horrible to read op. Can she get to a few classes after school and make friends there?

Would her mum move her school?

LakeTiticaca · 25/06/2024 19:05

Why didn't you and her mum clap and shout encouragement when she was running her races?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 25/06/2024 19:12

I completely disagree with that first reply. You sound like a worried grandmother.

Do play dates go better if they are out of the house? For example if you go to the park or soft play then the equipment isn’t hers and obviously a shared resource.

nutbrownhare15 · 25/06/2024 19:15

Can your daughter speak to the school about supporting friendships. My yr 3 DD was asked to spend some breaktimes inside with child with autism who struggled with outside playtimes. She was very happy to help and it developed their friendship. If they aren't receptive I'd suggested move her to a school that is. Brownies and extra curricular activities that relate to her interests are also good ideas.

annieannietomjoe · 25/06/2024 19:15

You could Google some age appropriate exercises and try and do some input at home. Exercises for autistic world for MT kids too. If you have the means, pay for EP appointment to understand her specific needs. Good luck

OhHelloMiss · 25/06/2024 19:57

What do you think your granddaughter will blame you for?

abouttoturn50 · 25/06/2024 20:06

I took my daughter out of school for the exact same reasons. I'd watched her and it made me so sad. She was lashing out at me physically and verbally at home and when I spoke to school they blamed my parenting!! I've not had any issues with her behaviour since being homeschooled. She is diagnosed autistic.

FuzzyStripes · 25/06/2024 20:16

Since it’s such a long wait for the NHS assessment and you aren’t in assessment about paying for a private one, what about a combination and go via Right To Choose? You can Google for more info but wait times are usually around six months.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 20:31

DGD choked on a boiled sweet at home time today. I've just got home from their house.

The teacher slapped her back five times - she had turned blue by now. Another teacher then took over and did the Heimlich manoeuvre a few times and dislodged the sweet.

Some children and some parents were crying. The headteacher was on the phone dialling 999. It caused a commotion. My daughter was still at the nursery class talking to the nursery teacher while all this was happening.

DGD feels like she has a sore throat and sore ribs. She keeps asking if she's going to die.

It looks like she'll have some impressive bruising front and back tomorrow.

The teacher has said that she will never give any sort of sweets out in class again. They were loose sweets in a plastic bag from a boy who had just come back from holiday.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 20:43

OhHelloMiss · 25/06/2024 19:57

What do you think your granddaughter will blame you for?

Not helping/supporting? Not finding a way to enable her to speak with her peers? Not having a happy childhood? Not looking after her properly?

My mother told me that I had demanded to know why she had not forced me to continue with dance lessons when I was three (I was 10 when I asked the question). I'd said that she'd ruined my life by not persuading me to continue and that I would never be successful at anything. Apparently I hated dance lessons and refused to do what Miss H was saying. I can't remember any of it.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 20:43

annieannietomjoe · 25/06/2024 19:15

You could Google some age appropriate exercises and try and do some input at home. Exercises for autistic world for MT kids too. If you have the means, pay for EP appointment to understand her specific needs. Good luck

I will do that.

OP posts:
LIZS · 25/06/2024 20:46

You are overthinking the sports day. Has she been seen by hcp since she choked?

sprigatito · 25/06/2024 20:46

I'm sorry to hear about the choking, that sounds traumatic for all of you. Incidents like this are especially unsettling for neurodivergent children. I suggest, if you think she would engage, writing a story about it together, so she can process it piece by piece and see that there was a happy ending, so she's safe to move on from it. I have done this with several autistic kids who have been through something upsetting, even a non-literate child can help illustrate and it helps to make sense of what's happened.

Veritysays897 · 25/06/2024 20:52

My adult dd is autistic.

For us a private psychologist worked wonders.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 20:56

SonicTheHodgeheg · 25/06/2024 19:12

I completely disagree with that first reply. You sound like a worried grandmother.

Do play dates go better if they are out of the house? For example if you go to the park or soft play then the equipment isn’t hers and obviously a shared resource.

We have a very understanding friend who has a daughter in the same class. Her daughter is very mature, very patient and (amazingly) very persistent. She's almost 11 months older.

We have tried everything to cement a friendship but DGD is absolutely rigid in her thinking. Our friend's child has gone out of her way to be a good friend but she can only take so much. I heard her saying 'so what will you let me play with?' when she was at DGD's party. I felt so sorry for her. We've taken them to soft play and DGD ignored her playmate and refused to play because it was busy - it wasn't.

Our friend's daughter has eventually taken to telling others not to play with DGD which is sort of understandable.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 25/06/2024 21:04

LIZS · 25/06/2024 20:46

You are overthinking the sports day. Has she been seen by hcp since she choked?

No - does she need checking?

The headteacher rang 999 but the sweet dislodged while she was on the phone to them - they didn't attend.

OP posts:
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