Hi all. I’m a mumsnet reader and I know how helpful and non-toxic this community is, so I decided to ask for a sanity check and advice on my situation. I’m Ukrainian myself, so it’s very difficult for me to be unbiased. And I don’t understand local mentality well enough yet. So your kind and weighted opinion will be very much appreciated. I also want to mention that not all Ukrainians are like the woman I describe in this post (or like me, of course). It’s just a one specific situation.
My boyfriend hosted a Ukrainian mum (50+) with a child (12+) more than a year ago, before we met. He had spare rooms and he’s a very nice and kind person, so it wasn’t a problem for him. He thought it will be a 6-month stay, but it already lasted much longer. In a couple of months after he hosted them we met and our relationship started developing. We decided to move in together a couple of months ago. Before I moved in he started having conversations with the woman he’s hosting about them moving on. She was looking for different excuses why she needs more time etc, but they finally agreed on the date. When the date was approaching she asked for more time and he let her stay longer. And now she’s running out of time again. And conversations become tougher.
She’s been here for more that 2 years living with different hosts, she still can’t speak English properly (because she’s not learning it, but chilling most of the time instead). She has 16 hours/week job and doesn’t want to work more hours on a low-paid job, because she believes she’s entitled to something better. She doesn’t want to rent privately, because she wants a council flat and she says she can’t afford private rent even though she gets Universal Credit and she can get housing benefits.
I’m also a Ukrainian and I ended up in the UK because of the war. I have a good job here and I never was on any kind of benefits, so I don’t know how the system works. But I used benefits calculator and I can see that she could afford renting privately. So I assume she just doesn’t want because she (probably) can’t save that much money if she rents privately compared to social housing. I worked my ass off for my entire life and keep doing that so I really can’t understand her.
My boyfriend wants them to move out, but he is not as direct and pushy as I am (he’s very English and I mean it in a very good way). I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m starting to freak out. The date is approaching and the situation becomes even more stressful for me and him. Even though we are trying to be a team, I think he feels more responsibility because he was hosting them before I moved in. And he’s trying to be nice to her which I believe she takes as a weakness. So the woman is trying to manipulate a lot and is saying how hard her life is and that she can’t move out because of ‘new reason every time’. And she’s trying to make him pay for her stuff, do jobs for her etc.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I being a bitch that wants a poor mum and a child to leave? I feel like I want to build my family and instead I’m having a constant stress on top of my work stress (I have a demanding and stressful job, which I love though and which is well-paid). I feel like he’s a bit too soft, kind and caring to a person that doesn’t deserve it. Do you have any advice on how my boyfriend and I could manage this situation more as a team and not ruin our relationship instead? Has anyone been in a similar situation with Ukrainians on homes for Ukraine scheme that don’t want to move out and how did you handle it?