WWYD in my situation?

[PapaDock]

Hi all. I apologise if this is long.

I'm beginning to resent my wife. We have 2 adult children together and have been married 40+ years, I love her dearly but her behaviour is beginning to make me resent her. I don't know if I'm in the wrong for this but I just don't know what to do.

Our son is almost 40, he is a drug addict and a thief. He will take any drugs, prescription or illegal that he can get his hands on and I'm fairly certain he is taking crack and/or heroin as he is currently on a methadone programme that obviously isn't working. For a while now he has been stealing from us, he steals the last of the food in the house, money and bank cards out my wallet and my wife's purse, possessions that have been left from my parents when they died, laptops, etc. I've tried to stop him entering the home, keep the doors locked, windows but he sits and knocks or calls for hours crying to be let in, then he will get angry and attempt to break in. At times he has assaulted me too.

My wife will only report him to the police is I force her to but even then she tells them she just wants it logged rather than anything done about it, so it continues. She let's him in the house when I'm asleep and sits there mute whilst he steals more of my possessions. She is always saying he is your son, he's vulnerable, he needs us, etc. I resent her for pandering after him when he's destroying out family, but on the other hand she also gets so stressed at his behaviour that it's making her ill.

I don't know what to do anymore.

It sounds like you're in a very difficult situation, and it must be incredibly frustrating and upsetting. Given the situation, I can see why you're reluctant to have your son in your house. It sounds like he desperately needs help - but not the kind of help you and your wife can give him. To a certain degree, I can understand why she's trying to protect him - a mother's love for her son runs very deep - and I'm sure that, despite everything, you love him too.
My fear is that one day the assault could be even worse - or he could assault your wife. Have the police given any advice about what they could do if you did press charges? Do you have any other family members that you can discuss the situation with and try to formulate a plan?

why can't you report him to the police? why are you "forcing" your wife to do it?

Agree with above poster - why can’t you ring the police? If he’s arrested, he can get addiction support during the custody process. They can make referrals to health/ support agencies. Our local police force have nurses and support workers working within the custody suites.

There is also another reason that my feelings towards her and this situation getting worse. This is that my granddaughter is pregnant. Social services are involved due to a difficult childhood and past trauma, however she, alone, has demonstrated massively that she can safely and adequately care for this baby and the plan is for baby to go home with her and for ss involvement to reduce over a period of time once they are happy she is managing.

Me and my wife are her only stable, safe, reliable support and will be a factor in helping her with baby when needed.

However with my wife's behaviour towards dealing with my son, who is deemed a risk, its beginning to look like this may affect my granddaughter and this baby.

We may not be able to have the baby for periods of time to give granddaughter a break due to this, she will also have to leave our home at any point of my son turning up. She has also stated that she does not trust my wife to safeguard the baby over our son if he turned up. She is either going to be incredibly isolated or put at risk of losing her baby because of my wife being under the delusion of some loyalty to our son.

Why are you forcing your wife to report him??? Why aren't you doing it if it's something you want to do?

You need to take control of this situation for yourself, your wife and your granddaughter.

YOU call the police on your son and YOU press charges and have him arrested. Every single time he turns up at your house uninvited. Don’t let him in, call the police.

Get a Ring doorbell camera also.

What an awful situation for you both.
I'm so sorry for you both.

Ring Doorbell is a brilliant idea.

I think you need to prioritise your granddaughter and think about separating. At least separate houses. Might make your wife come to her senses but (I guess, understandably) her priority is her son.

@CountryMumof4 it has come to light that my granddaughter has made a safeguarding referral under the circumstances to basically make sure we can look after her baby as part of a childcare plan, etc but my wife has gone through her like a ton of bricks for this and told her how disappointed she is for GD attempting to seek support for us. There isn't anyone else to support me other than friends. My wife just lies to people about the involvement she is still having with our son so there's not really much more anyone can do as she's driving them all away.

@Brefugee & @Passmetheaero I have called the police several times previously, as has my daughter and granddaughter but once they arrive my wife takes over in explaining the situation and pretty much talks for us, implying that we have exaggerated or made it sound worse than it is. She states she doesn't want to cut contact. She isn't vulnerable (she is), doesn't want any referrals made, etc. they take her word for it, agree to log it and leave a crime number before exiting. They don't listen to any of us, only her. Which is why we just get her to call herself now.

It sounds like a horrible situation.
It sounds like your wife is in denial about how bad it is and either hopes your son will magically get better one day, or she’s just determined to hold onto a false picture of what your family life is like, or a mix of both.
Your priority should be your Granddaughter. You need to somehow explain to her that she could lose her entire family if she’s not careful - it sounds like you’ve reached breaking point with it, she will lose her Grand daughter and in turn her unborn great grandchild and ultimately, I’m so sorry to be so harsh, your wife needs to understand that her misguided loyalty to your son could lead to his death. He needs help, the kindest thing she could do is get it for him by being truthful with the police.

Your son needs help. A friend of mine was in exactly the same position. He paid for a private treatment plan somewhere in Glasgow. It completely changed the boys life. If you can afford it do it or you will be paying for a coffin instead.

I understand it’s very difficult, but you still need to ring the police and when they arrive, insist on speaking to them privately. They will definitely allow this as they have to prioritise safeguarding (of everybody involved including you). If you also have Ring doorbell footage to back up your account that will be even better.

With respect, I do not think draining our pension to facilitate rehab is going to be any form of solution. He's already been under 3 substance misuse programmes and is currently on a methadone programme but all he does is sell it on for his drugs, so it wouldn't even work.

A couple of years ago he almost faced time in prison for supplying heroin, his friend took the full blame for it. That didn't stop him. He's continued to face criminal charges for behaviours since then, which hasn't stopped him.

Last year he crashed his car 3 times with my wife and granddaughter in it (driving her to work) because he was falling asleep off his head on drugs whilst driving. That didn't stop him.

A couple of month ago my wife was admitted to hospital critically ill with pneumonia and stress. He didn't even visit or ask if she was ok once, he took every piece of food out of the house and would of left me to survive on toast and biscuits if i didnt have my daughter and granddaughter for support. He called 13 times a day throughout her hospital stay to beg for money, he also attempted to make transactions from her bank account to his. For all he knew, she could of been dying and that still didn't stop him.

I appreciate all your suggestions to get him help but he is beyond help! Nothing at all will make him change.

@PapaDock That last update sounds unbearable.
Why does your wife forgive him when he could have seriously injured her in the crash? Does she somehow feel responsible for how he’s turned out?
If your wife won’t see reason I think I would want to separate from the wife and set up a small home that is safe enough for your Granddaughter and you. Is that an option you would consider?

still on you. Tell the police who arrive that you want to talk to them alone. and you can tell them that your wife is minimising out of misguided loyalty to your son.

FGS you are an adult, act like one.

With respect, I do not think draining our pension to facilitate rehab is going to be any form of solution. He's already been under 3 substance misuse programmes and is currently on a methadone programme but all he does is sell it on for his drugs, so it wouldn't even work.

are you in UK? why would you have to pay? don't pay. Kick him out, look after your GD and act like the adult in the room.

Yes I'm in the UK, I was responding to a comment from @iamtheblcksheep about private funded rehab for him. He doesn't live with us, nor does my granddaughter.

i have already stated i can kick him out, barricade ourselves in the house, etc until I'm black and blue but it only works until I go to bed or out of the house and my wife let's him back in. Otherwise he cries on the doorstep, tries to smash the doors and windows to gain access or most recently has started saying he will set the house on fire with us in it if we don't let him in. Police had to get firemen to install locks on our letterboxes and entry points to prevent any chance of him posting something on fire to kill us.

I do speak to the police, alone and in front of my wife at times, I state my views fully but they always speak to her aswell and it seems her refusal to engage is what they go off.

I don't mean to be rude but the view that I'm somehow stupid and not acting like an adult or doing enough, whilst just sitting back and resenting my wife for enabling him is wrong. I'm doing everything I can think of to make us safe in our home. My granddaughter has been called a disappointment because she is trying to find us some support to make us safe and to be involved with our great grandchild. My daughter is at the end of her tether. What exactly more can we do that would be adult enough when my wife is going against everyone's suggestions and attempts to help?

Have you thought about applying for a restraining order? Your situation sounds horrendous.
I hope this link is helpful:
https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/restraining-orders

Move out. Move in with your granddaughter.

At this point your wife is as guilty/complicit as your son as she's facilitating this.

She won't stop, they same way he won't. She has to find her rock bottom the same as him.

Leave her to it.

@Fireangels I have been considering this yes, police have mentioned for us to look at this route too. However my wife's adamant she doesn't want to cut contact so I'm not sure how easy or possible this would be to obtain without her consent or willingness for it. Does anyone know if I it would be possible to do so?

I'm also very willing to speak to and engage with the adult safeguarding team who my granddaughter referred us to, however again I'm not sure if (like with the police) I'll get far without my wife also engaging so they may not offer solo support for me.

I really think we or atleast I need this support but it seems its impossible for me to get on my own whilst she remains loyal to someone who's likely going to kill one of us soon. Is it even possible to override her consent to engage support without separating?

Nar Anon may have some guidance. Co dependency/ enabling etc. Your wife needs help (that i doubt you can give) as much as your son. If she won't consider getting help then getting divorced may free you to help your daughter and GD if that is your main wish. Dreadful dreadful situation you are in. I wish you strength.

This. You have to prioritise your granddaughter and her baby. So if she can't come to you, then you go to her.

Why is your adult granddaughter getting into a car with him when he’s obviously under the influence of drugs and crashing the car 3 times?

Seems somewhat hypocritical that she is reporting you as a safeguarding concern!

Which isn’t to say she isn’t right… but, seems a bit of a cheek when she doesn’t make good decisions herself.

Your granddaughter doesn’t live with you. For the sake of her unborn child, she needs to show SS that she can cope with a baby either without support from you, or with your support in her own home as needed, away from your son (her uncle?).

Separate these things. Can you support her (capacity and skills to do so) without your wife?

I'm fairly sure that if you (personally) got a restraining order, banning your son from contacting you or coming within X yards of you or your home address that would help. Your wife could still agree to meet him elsewhere if she wanted to, but you would be safe in your own home, as would your granddaughter and her child. Maybe the safeguarding team can help you with this?