WWYD in my situation?

[PapaDock]

Hi all. I apologise if this is long.

I'm beginning to resent my wife. We have 2 adult children together and have been married 40+ years, I love her dearly but her behaviour is beginning to make me resent her. I don't know if I'm in the wrong for this but I just don't know what to do.

Our son is almost 40, he is a drug addict and a thief. He will take any drugs, prescription or illegal that he can get his hands on and I'm fairly certain he is taking crack and/or heroin as he is currently on a methadone programme that obviously isn't working. For a while now he has been stealing from us, he steals the last of the food in the house, money and bank cards out my wallet and my wife's purse, possessions that have been left from my parents when they died, laptops, etc. I've tried to stop him entering the home, keep the doors locked, windows but he sits and knocks or calls for hours crying to be let in, then he will get angry and attempt to break in. At times he has assaulted me too.

My wife will only report him to the police is I force her to but even then she tells them she just wants it logged rather than anything done about it, so it continues. She let's him in the house when I'm asleep and sits there mute whilst he steals more of my possessions. She is always saying he is your son, he's vulnerable, he needs us, etc. I resent her for pandering after him when he's destroying out family, but on the other hand she also gets so stressed at his behaviour that it's making her ill.

I don't know what to do anymore.

You are between a rock and a hard place but your wife is unwittingly enabling your son’s addiction. She thinks she is helping him, but the only person who can help your son is himself.

is there anyway your wife can understand her role in enabling & prolonging your sons addiction? It is likely be he will never get clean and you both have to come to terms with that.

Otherwise you have the tough, unenviable call of choosing between your wife\son or granddaughter.

Get the restraining order for yourself i.e so he cannot go near you. As long as you are in the house, he cannot enter, even if you are upstairs asleep. Your wife will not be allowed to let him in even if she wanted to else he will be in breach of the order.

there are groups they can help you with this - friend of narcotics anonymous and al-anon

I really feel for you. Your stress must be off the scale.

Like others have said, your wife is enabling him, so you are fighting a losing battle.

I would go to a police station on your own, and tell them the whole story, so they can at least advise you on where you stand and what you can do.

It might be that you have to extract, in other words leave, the situation before this literally does you in.

@Testina on 1 occassion she needed to get to work when public transport was frequently being cancelled. The other 2 occassions he was already outside her place of work to bring her home.

she has shown she can cope alone, our role is to provide support in the background if she wishes or needs respite. We are also there to ensure she is managing/coping. As stated previously she has previous trauma, and whilst she has remained stable and risk free for many years, she does need a "just in case" make sure she is safely managing her own mental health whilst coping with a baby. By the looks of it she will be isolated and alone because of this situation, which is abit harsh for you to say that she needs to just get used to that and prove herself. Why should she? She's done nothing but move mountain and earth to make her own life better all on her own. Why does she have to continue that when she is supposed to have us aswell?

Thank you to the rest of the incredibly useful responses, I will begin to look into all your suggestions without my wife being in the background. I best prepare for the worst scenario and look at the possibility of having to temporarily or maybe permanently separate as I feel I need to prioritise my granddaughter but also myself. Otherwise I'm fearful I may end up dead remaining as things are.

I think you need to tell your wife this so she can understand the consequences of continuing to engage with your son. This is such a sad situation.

I think you need to tell your wife that either she stops letting him in and enabling him or you will get a divorce.

You could have a life away from the son and you can be with your GD safely off his radar.

Your wife can choose to continue being abused and threatened. You don't have to. Save yourself and your GD.

By the looks of it she will be isolated and alone because of this situation, which is abit harsh for you to say that she needs to just get used to that and prove herself.

Why should she?
Because there is the wellbeing of a baby involved!!!

I’m not saying that’s nice for her, or that life has been fair on her. I’m saying it as a fact. If baby is to stay with her, and no-one can provide the support she needs to make that happen - then baby shouldn’t stay with her.

That would be a terrible outcome, and I’d hope that there was a mother and baby unit, or even a foster care situation that could help - there are sometimes placements where both new mum and baby stay with a foster carer.

I don’t understand why you say she would be isolated and alone because of this situation though. Clearly your wife can’t be trusted, and it sounds like there’s a reason that your daughter /her mother is not a stable source of support. But what about you? Why are you not able to support her when needed? She doesn’t live with you - but it all sounds very local if she’s getting lifts with your wife in the car and her uncle. So why aren’t you the necessary support person, if she needs a break or hands on support? Just in her home not yours?

You (both of you) should not enable a drug user.

He is vulnerable yes. The answer isn't to fund his drug habit. He needs to go to rehab. If he won't do that, it isn't your problem. He is a grown man.

Many users are self medicating. Has he experienced some kind of traumatic event?

It's better to be cruel and refuse to pay for his drug habit, than be kind and contribute to his eventual early death.

Tell him you live him, and that's why you won't be funding or facilitating his drug addiction anymore. He needs to go clean and then you'll be there for him. It's on him, not you.

Your wife needs therapy because she cannot see the harm she is doing.

I'm so sorry for your situation.

Junkies at this level will never change. If you died in the kitchen he'd rob your corpse. I am sorry but the only thing you and your wife can do to protect yourselves is keep a distance and I am not sure she will ever be ready to do that. I am sorry this has happend to you.

I completely agree with this. You need to protect yourself and your other family members. If your wife refuses to see sense, I don't see what you can do other than leave her to it.

Some excellent advice here OP.
Start making a list from all the posts, a list of all the steps that will help. Then put them in order and start to action them.
It’s hell dealing with an addict ( my ex husband was an alcoholic) and it’s only with hindsight I can see not only was I enabling him but his parents too, even his boss. In different ways but we were all doing it. Just like your wife I couldn’t see it at the time, I just wanted to keep life on track as much as I could.
Start on that list. I really hope things work out for you and your family.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I agree with the poster who suggested a restraining order.
To be honest, your wife sounds totally unhinged! Either that or she's scared of her own son, which to be fair, I think I would be too. But that doesn't mean that her enabling him is right.
This situation is now beyond irreparable. You need to get your affairs in order and get out of there. As much as it sounds like your son is never going to change, your wife clearly isn't either. Leave it a couple more years and you'll both have nothing left in the house, due to her irrational behaviour. A chair and floorboards if you're lucky!
You've put up with this long enough, it's time to do something.
Get out now, but get the restraining order in place for the interim. I'd say go live with your granddaughter.
Wishing you lots of luck.

You are already afraid that your son will do 'something worse' to you OP and your wife is facilitating you having to live in fear, I don't see how a marriage can survive that. And that's before we even come to the potential impact on your grandaughter, your wife is showing no care or concern for anyone other than your son.

I honestly think you have to go, somewhere that will be safe for you and for DGD and her baby when needed. Whatever steps you take to keep you all safe your wife is going to sabotage and circumvent, it will be like trying to fill a leaky bucket.

I imagine it will be very hard to walk away and leave your wife at the mercy of your son but she really isn't giving you a choice, she has already chosen him over everything and everybody else and she will continue to expose you all to risk if you stay.

Phone the police everytime, no matter if it upsets your wife. You press charges of theft, fraud if he’s used your account and if it comes down to it, have an ultimatum. He has to learn and unfortunately he will have to learn the hard way if his life is ruled by drugs and alcohol. It’s cruel to be kind but enabling him will push him further into addiction and may well end his life prematurely.

Nothing is going to change unless you make it change. So report it to the police yourself and don't be passive when they get there. speak up. tell them you don't agree with your wife and you want it dealt with properly.
You don't need her agreement.

And finally - You can't change him but you can leave your wife. And that is something you need to tell her that you are seriously considering because you refuse to carry on living like this.

Can you kick your wife out? Whose name is the house in, who pays the rent/mortgage?

If she prioritises your son instead of the rest of the family maybe she should live with him.

The house is rented and bills are in both our names, however she has always made it very clear this is her house, so if anyone was to leave it would have to be me. The rent comes out of her account as a DD but I have to give her 3/4 of my pension every month to make sure this and other bills are paid as she either gives most of her money goes to him or he steals it and by the date bills are due to come out there's nothing left. Its that bad im literally having to make a small pie last me a week or take a ready meal/left overs out of my GD's fridge, otherwise I'd not be able to eat.

My wife has had ultimatums already, she has been told she won't be able to have anything to do with my GDs baby and my GD has stopped coming round completely after events this last week. GD also told my wife that she will no longer be needed as her birthing partner and that she is now prepared to do this alone so she may aswell do the whole lot alone aswell. My wife has been told she is a risk to her own family by proxy and nothing is even getting through to her. I've left the home for my own safety for a period of time previously and she doesn't even seem bothered.

I guess I will have a chat with her tomorrow and give a timescale of change otherwise I will have to leave and seek advice from a solicitor about the next steps. I will also be looking at alternative housing, etc in the background whilst we see if this ultimatum works as I'm very doubtful it will.

I know some of you are saying that my son will likely end up dead sooner rather than later as a way to enforce my hand of putting more boundaries in place but if I'm honest and this may be harsh, I'm now at the stage where I really hope it does happen soon. Atleast then we would get peace and not be almost driven to debt and death by him anymore. I love my wife dearly, I do but I cant lose the rest of my family because of those 2. Especially after how much my GD already does for us off her own back. I can not turn my back on her for a son I hate and a wife i no longer recognised.:(

Well I'm glad you're renting - much easier for you to leave and move somewhere secret.

Obviously don't give wife any more money if you do leave - no point as he'll get it, and she'll have to pay for herself.

I really hope you and your GD manage to get away from him and stay safe.

I don't blame you in the slightest for thinking it would be better if he died - it would, for everyone. Even him.

Just an update for anyone wondering. I spoke to the adult safeguarding team who my Granddaughter referred us to, it was looking very hopeful for us/me being able to obtain support until they asked me to ask my wife if she would like to speak to them for support. I had already told them the issues of her previously blocking and preventing anything being done or put in place for us but they still wanted to speak to her after everything we had discussed on the phone. As expected my wife stated she wanted no support, wasn't admitting she was vulnerable to anyone and would continue to deal with the situation herself. The lady on the phone then told me she understood but its clear that anything they would help put in place for myself would be tarnished by my wife anyways so it would be hopeless, they would text me her number incase my wife changed her mind and then she hung up.

My wife is now extremely angry. Unfortunately I think I now need to spend this next week getting my ducks in a row to leave. An ultimatum or more chatting clearly isn't going to work. She's made her loyalty and priority very clear this past couple of weeks.

That’s such a sad situation. Does your wife have any reason to feel responsible for his bad choices in life? Are there any other siblings?

I agree that allowing this to continue is going to be should destroying for you. If you are of pension age it may be worth contacting AgeUK for advice on the financial implications of separation/ divorce later in life. You may well qualify for additional benefits and possibly some type of accommodation for retired people.

I honestly do not know why my wife feels so responsible or full of misguided loyalty to just him in particular. He didnt have an out of the ordinary childhood, no abuse, did well in school, jobs etc. Whilst hes always been the definition of a mammys boy, we were still close until a couple of years ago when his long term girlfriend left him and his children teenage children turned their back on him. We were led to believe she cheated on him but overtime it became clear something more might of been at play, he started assaulting me and other family members in aggressive outbursts and then the heroin issue came to light when his arrest was released in the local papers. I'm unsure of how much underlying stuff my wife was or is aware of that I'm not.

We have a daughter also but whilst we haven't hugely been close and she's had her own problems with her own relationships and children, she's always been there as a support and vice versa.

Dear op, very sorry you're dealing with this situation. It's very unfortunate that your wife won't stop enabling, or listen to you and your daughter. It my be better for your wife to move out, (that doesn't mean that you have to break up per se) as she isn't in line with how the rest of you want to live or deal with your son.

@Bigcat25 unfortunately as previously stated its unlikely my wife would be the one to leave. She has always been under the impression that this is her house and nothing is going to change that, if we aren't happy then it's us that needs to leave. If I'm honest, I'd rather leave anyways. Atleast then I would be fully away from the issues, otherwise I'd still be remaining in the house that my son will continue to attend looking tor my wife, and god knows what his reaction would be if he was to make out that id actually thrown my wife out.