Would you be able to be honest with this mum

[dilemalema]

Hello

So my dd has had a male best friend (let's call him Dave) since beginning of primary school. They are now in secondary school and have remained friends but not best friends.

We have spent lots of time with this family over the years and it's all been great. Dd and Dave were always round at each other's houses and spent lots of time together. Dd has other friends but Dave does struggle with this and can be quite isolated.

A few months ago dd told me Dave had told her he likes her more than friends and she had told him she doesn't feel the same. They are only still early secondary for info. Dd is not into boys yet. Well apart from pop stars.

Dave's mum invited us round a short while after that and dd asked me to make an excuse not to go. I found this odd as dd would normally like going to see Dave. I asked dd to be honest with me as I had noticed she was more distant with Dave recently. Dd said Dave had been saying that he liked her and talking about thinking about her a lot, even at night and how he can imagine them being together etc this happened a few times after she made it clear this is not what she wanted. I advised dd that she did the right thing distancing herself as it made her uncomfortable. I then made an excuse to Dave's mum.

Since then Dave's mum has invited us round or to meet at places a few times and I have made more excuses but I think she is getting a bit suspicious.

Last week dd and a female friend were laughing about what some of the boys at school say to girls. I was with them so they were not hiding this. Female friend then said to dd "can't believe what Dave said to you urrrghhh". I asked what it was and dd laughed and female friend said "I can't tell you but it's not appropriate trust me" then laughed. I did push a little bit but left it alone as I didn't want to upset dd. I did have a hard word about boys making them uncomfortable and to be confident in telling them to stop and telling an adult and so on.

Me and a few friends, including Dave's mum, are due to go on a weekend away soon and I think that dd being distant and the excuses may come up. I'm not very good at being honest in such situations and hate conflict. I'm a people pleaser to my own detriment and it stems from childhood trauma but that's a different story. However, I need my dd to know I have her back and il always protect her. Plus I feel like I need to show her we as women should be confident to challenge this sort of behaviour. When she has made it clear this behaviour is unwanted I want her to be able to tell the person to stop unapologetically. I can't even do it so it's a big ask.
I really like Dave's mum but I don't think the truth will go down well and I know she has enough rubbish going on in her life and our friendship is important to us both.

What would you all do in this situation.
Aibu to keep making excuses and hope she stops asking us to spend time together.

I think I wouldn’t be smiley people pleasery about it. I would say clearly and firmly she doesn’t want spend time with him any more and her choice needs to be respected. It would do no harm if mum were given a gentle heads up. There’s another thread of mums of boys asking how to break the cycle - they can’t do this if they don’t even know.

Dd2 who is 15 met the mother of a boy of her acquaintance at a party she was waitressing at and the mum fluttered on about how she was sure all the girls just loved her son. He’s actually a vile misogynist no girl would touch with a barge pole but the mum oblivious and dd was too polite to say the truth.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I think that this situation is different though, OP has heard her daughter and is not making her have contact with Dave. I think she also sounds like she's keeping the lines of communication with her daughter open in case Daves behaviour continues or escalates in any way.

Just tell her the truth.
“yeah, we have been distant because Dave told Claire he fancies her, but Claire doesn’t fancy him. I think he’s a great kid, but we have to respect everyone’s wishes including Claire’s and she’s asked me to try and help to maintain a safe distance for her.” Then you beandip.

Absolutely not. Op needs to be honest with daves mum so that she can talk to dave.
If his mum doesn't tell him that he's being inapropriate and that it has to stop, it will just carry on

Tell Dave's mum that Dave has a crush on her and it's making her uncomfortable as the feelings are not reciprocated. And she needs a bit of space till things cool down and is feeling a bit weird about their friendship at the moment. And reassure her things may go back to normal once he has a girlfriend or another girl interest.

You say you're a people pleaser, but ignoring the woman because you're too wet to give a basic explanation that her son's affections aren't returned by your daughter isn't 'pleasing' it's just annoying and rude.

My son had the odd unrequited crush as a school boy. He asked them out and got turned down. He took it on the chin and didn't ask again. Years later he is still friendly with one of them because he understands boundaries. I'd be appalled if he he'd been badgering some girl.

This - you are making it worse by giving excuses

I took the tack of being direct / honest with a friend when her son had said something v inappropriate to my dd- along the vein of this happened, would be good for him to understand girls don’t like that (so not accusatory or aggressive). She reacted v badly, accused my dd of making the incident up, and didn’t speak to me for c9mths

so far experience tells me parents aren’t very receptive to hearing counter views on their children.

i would be woolly and avoidant with this mum unless she asks directly, and even then I might just be a bit evasive

You say exactly what you said in the second to last paragraph.. At some point when the two of you are alone just say hey daves mum, I know we've been a bit distant recently, and have had to turn down a few play dates, I'm sorry about that, I've missed seeing you guys however dd has told me that dave has confided in her that he likes her as more than a friend and she's not feeling it, at this young age she has struggled to let him down gently whilst also remaining friends and feels a little uncomfortable/embarrassed. She's not really into boys yet, hopefully it's something they can both get over and the friendship will continue, until then we can still catch up and have our coffee dates, our friendship is important to me and I love spending time with you.

I'm sure she would have a work with dave on her return home and explain to him gently that your dd is not interested and he shouldn't pursue it. If she does take it the wrong way and become offended then you point out that her son had a similar reaction and that's why your dd no longer feels comfortable around him.

Yeah I wouldn't say he's been inappropriate with her at all.
But it she's asks if tell her he wants them to be more than friends and she doesn't. A normal adult woman will understand

@dilemalema just wanted to say your DD seems to have managed this really well from you’ve written. You’ve obviously done a great job in getting her to understand and act on what is and isn’t acceptable to her.

Depends on how much of a discussion you want to have with her, and how it’s likely to go. I always say (about mine) that with good, long-time friendships there are always ups and downs. You can leave it at that.

This. I would want to know if my son was acting like this too.

I feel very sorry for Dave’s mum as she will not understand why her invitations to meet up are consistently being declined. Hoping she will stop asking is quite an unkind way to deal with the situation especially as you have all been friends for so long and shared many happy times together. This may have really upset her and she will be wondering what she or her family have done wrong.

It is therefore definitely better to address the issue rather than hope it goes away and there are many really helpful suggestions on here for how you should go about it.

Absolutely don’t say this. The other mum will think it’s something that can be fixed. It also gets Dave off the hook for all of the inappropriate things he’s been saying to your daughter.

If you want to do the right thing, you need to be honest. Tell her exactly what’s happened. She might not like it, but your loyalty is to your daughter.

Yep.
This is much better than avoiding and declining which she will have NO clue why you are doing.

Dave needs to learn no means no.

i half blame shitty teen movies. Boys are essentially taught to hound and harass and wear down girls into saying yes (because they mean yes really even when they seem to be saying no)

Don't make up excuses if his mum brings up the subject. Tell her the basics and she'll stop inviting you and DD over.

Making excuses just prolongs the problem- as you have found out already.

Tough. The safety and welL being of the DD is more important than Dave keeping his crushes secret.

edited to add, 12?! Bloody hell. For some reason I thought they were at 15. Dave is even more of a worry.

No. Not this.

No not this either. It's all about how the DD does like Dave that way and nothing at all about him pressuring her and telling he what's he'd like to do to her FFS. They are 12!

And this is when teen boys get the idea that they should keep persisting and that it’s ok to say inappropriate things to girls. You should say something because this boy needs to understand boundaries and respect for women. And the younger he can be taught that the better. We are too quick to dismiss things as being “just” “oh it’s just boys being boys” “oh they’re just young” OP has done right supporting her daughter in not being around Dave, but Mum does need to know because as parent she has responsibilities to yeah her son about respecting girls etc.

Thanks again all.

I have not had chance to speak with Dave's mum yet but I intend to speak to her using a version of people's suggestions.

I think Dave's parents may be aware that there is some concerns because something else came out about him using inappropriate language towards another girl and unfortunately a written note was passed to parents and shared with others. I do feel sorry for Dave's mum in all this.

Yes, I feel sorry for her, but this makes it even more important that you are honest with her so she can have a stern word with her son and nip this behaviour in the bud.

She told him she isn’t interested and he’s pushing and pushing. I don’t think it’s wrong to tell his mother that she is distancing herself because the feelings aren’t reciprocated and he’s making her uncomfortable.