Friendship group leaving me out

[Feelingleftoutoften]

I’ve never started a thread before (have been a regular poster but NC for this….I hope!)

I’d really like everyone’s views on whether I’m being unreasonable, I’ll try to keep this brief. Ive been part of a friendship group for almost a decade now, started as four of us and then lots of growth of other people’s friends and friends of friends, all lovely, no problem at all with that. Of course the more people there are, not everyone can be invited to everything and also NP with that at all (I’m the only one with children so it follows I can’t go to everything).

There’s been quite a lot of times over the last 2 or 3 years I’ve felt left out (although to be fair to my friends I’ve never really said anything as I hate conflict and wouldn’t want to be invited out of pity) but this evening feels like it might be the final straw. We all live super close together and I was messaging one friend on Friday asking about her weekend plans, general chit chat, and said if you’re free you can join in with us for the weekend, she wasn’t, no problem there. This evening she’s messaged a WhatsApp group with the just the core of us in asking which pub to meet in tonight (clearly a planned meet up I wasn’t invited to) then quickly deleted it but I’d already seen it.

I’m feeling so upset not to have been asked but perhaps I’m overreacting so I’d love some honest opinions. Sort of hope I am being over sensitive as that would hurt a bit less so feel free to be honest 😊

I saw this last night.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGegnoqkp/

It could have been the total wrong group? As in she's not even meeting those other friends either? I'd pop a message on and say just seen your message asking which pub are you meeting at, didn't know you were meeting up.

Might not have been intended for that group at all. I would message the group and say you realise the deleted message went to the wrong group but when you saw it, it made you think what a lovely idea it was and shall you all get a date in the diary for a pub evening soon.

Sadly not because she used one of the names of one of the girls specifically - she’s been travelling for work so think she was keen to clarify her timings but thanks for thinking positively 😊

How many are in the group?

Sorry I clearly should have included that detail, didn’t think, she used one of the girls names because she needed to check with her specifically as she’s been away with work but thanks for the advice as if it was that I would def have sent your message so definitely would have been handy 😊

That WhatsApp group? 5 of us

Some people create a false sense of belonging by excluding somebody else

It's horrible. Our amygdalas are triggered like our survival is at stake.

You have to look after yourself, go and fly (if necessary) to see an old friend. Invite somebody who was always outside of that group over for dinner. Go to yoga classes. Remind yourself, mantra style,
" I am safe. This feels awful, but I am safe. So many other people have experienced this so I'm not alone. I am safe."

Xx

Ask directly. There's nothing to lose and maybe you could go

I'd pop a message on and say just seen your deleted message about which put you were meeting in, sorry I didn't make it I didn't know you were meeting...

I wonder if they have a separate group and she posted in wrong one?

Oh dear that is hurtful.

The only “excuse” I can think of is if you have been flaky about meet ups … I’m in a similar group and there is one woman who consistently pulls out last minute, not every time but 4 out of 5. It’s getting to the point where it feels there is no point asking her (and especially not trying arrange dates around her limited availability).

Ah they definitely do for organising things they do specifically that I don’t do (also no problem with that they have some shared interests) I don’t mind that at all. This has all just made me think perhaps I’m annoying. I definitely haven’t done anything specific nothing at all has happened so it couldn’t be that, and I’m always kind to them (I hope, you know I remember their important dates, buy gifts, help them with things I’ve got some knowledge of….not that I’m hugely knowledgeable or anything but just if they’ve ever needed I have) so feels like the only explanation is I’m just a bit annoying because I can’t think of another one. Definitely something for me to think about we’ve been friends for so long I don’t really think about how I show up with them in a way you might with newer people

Thanks for your reply. No I’m not flaky (I’m always early for everything and I always say yes if I can or no outright if it’s something I know I can’t make but that’s fairly rare)

I thought it wouldn’t be that but mentioned in case. I’m sorry.

Thanks for replying - in a way it’s nice to know I’m not just being me me me and being a bit princessy or anything even though I feel really down about it

Don’t doubt yourself as you sound lovely. They don’t. Leave them to it. I did when it happened to me.

Just saw your reply about them having shared interests which you don’t do.

Realistically if they have shared interests that they do and you don’t, they are going to become closer to each other. And they may suggest social meet ups while doing those activities, and not think to include you because you weren’t there. It doesn’t mean you’re annoying. Just that you weren’t front of mind - yes it would be nice if someone had thought to invite you along, but being forgotten is better than being annoying…

Thank you, I thought I was nice I try to always be and I’m definitely never rude or unkind or anything like that which is how I got to annoying because I know it’s not anything really obvious I’d have said. Really sorry it happened to you too it’s a horrible feeling isn’t it

It sounds like a casual night out, rather than a big night out if it’s just the pub and that’s usually when one or two members of the ‘main’ group don’t go. Usual reasons for this type of thing happening are usually eminently practical ones:

• Most of the group likes a certain activity, one or two don’t
• Most of the group are located close together and it’s a faff for one or two to just casually pop into town/to the location
• Either majority of the group do/don’t have kids so it’s a majority thing - if it’s arranged by someone with kids it’s a bit more low key but vice versa would be a bit more of a rager IYSWIM?

Perfect example currently - quite a few of my core group are arranging pub gatherings for the Euros (or whatever it is called!) Football bores me RIGID! They wouldn’t think to invite me for a second - I went to visit my parents this weekend to watch the rugby on the telly for example. But come Six Nations time, I organise all the fun!

I am a bit curious as to why you’ve not raised it in three years however - it might have changed things?

Are you especially close to any of the gang? If so, could you ask them directly? Using same language you’ve used in your post ‘I’m probably being daft but…’. I would be a bit sad too. Although it may self-correct once they start to have kids. Big hugs 🤗

Thanks - less shared interests more just that if it’s a rave or a week away I can’t always go as I have children where they can, however I think your point stands. My main issue with the front of mind thing was that I’d invited the girl who’s organising it to join any of my weekend plans on Friday night, so I’d assume a response to someone you still wanted to be friends with would be why don’t you come Sunday we organised last weekend at xyz when you weren’t there but of course you’re invited type of response, or maybe not? But thanks you’re right I prefer your explanation 😊

Completely agree with you - and these are the sorts of things I have no problem with at all but that’s why this one stings, she knew I was free, she knew it was after bed time and she knew it was super easy for me to pop along because we discussed meeting up on Friday and she mentioned all her plans with other people but not this so it feels a bit more intentional although I do like your explanation and it’s reduced that sick anxious feeling a bit so thank you 😊

Honestly, all of them I’d say…it’s been years, they were the first people to know I was having my children, we’ve been on holidays, we speak daily….hence why it’s making me question so much!

It's such a shitty feeling, being left out. I went to an event with a group & one of the group took a group photo, posted it on her socials & tagged everyone else but me - even though I was sitting right next to her! I jokingly wrote "what about me"?.

There are certainly other occasions where I feel I've been deliberately excluded. As much as I feel crummy & the childish part of me wants everyone to "like" me but I realise sometimes not everybody will like me & I have to hold my head high & deal with it.