Friendship group leaving me out

[Feelingleftoutoften]

I’ve never started a thread before (have been a regular poster but NC for this….I hope!)

I’d really like everyone’s views on whether I’m being unreasonable, I’ll try to keep this brief. Ive been part of a friendship group for almost a decade now, started as four of us and then lots of growth of other people’s friends and friends of friends, all lovely, no problem at all with that. Of course the more people there are, not everyone can be invited to everything and also NP with that at all (I’m the only one with children so it follows I can’t go to everything).

There’s been quite a lot of times over the last 2 or 3 years I’ve felt left out (although to be fair to my friends I’ve never really said anything as I hate conflict and wouldn’t want to be invited out of pity) but this evening feels like it might be the final straw. We all live super close together and I was messaging one friend on Friday asking about her weekend plans, general chit chat, and said if you’re free you can join in with us for the weekend, she wasn’t, no problem there. This evening she’s messaged a WhatsApp group with the just the core of us in asking which pub to meet in tonight (clearly a planned meet up I wasn’t invited to) then quickly deleted it but I’d already seen it.

I’m feeling so upset not to have been asked but perhaps I’m overreacting so I’d love some honest opinions. Sort of hope I am being over sensitive as that would hurt a bit less so feel free to be honest 😊

Unfortunately it's probably just a case of different lifestyles as you're the only one with kids.
They can arrange stuff at the drop of a hat but that isn't the case for you, sadly that means that your friends will not even consider you for nights out weekends away etc as it will make plans trickier. That doesn't mean it's nice though.

How often do you make plans to meet on the core WhatsApp group? How often do you attend the meet ups? Do you ever cancel or often decline?

Ok, I think I understand a little more and she could have said: “Actually X, Y and I were thinking of going out for a drink for an hour or two… fancy it?” And she didn’t?

In which case I think you probably could raise it with her in passing? It could also be that thing that childless people do and almost assume they shouldn’t invite anyone to a relatively late notice thing (i.e. less than a month in advance!) who does have kids because they wouldn’t be able to do it, due to family priorities. I’m childless myself and try not to do it, but I am
sure I must have done it on occasion with an unconscious bias. You sound very nice so if you raise it hopefully it will sort itself through?

Honestly all the time - some of them are coming here for dinner this week (not all, but they were all invited) and that’s always my thing I’ll always ask everyone but we meet up all the time (at least every other week) so we don’t change dates and wait till a time everyone can come as that would reduce it a lot, so I’ve no idea with this one. They don’t invite me if it’s a week in Ibiza as (sadly) I’d have to decline but to not invite me to this just feels really weird as I’d always go, probably only for one drink but they’re round the corner and my DP is at home

That actually sounds super sensible thank you - I’ve no doubt I’ve done it too and never with the intention of leaving someone out. But when you’re on the receiving end your brain jumps to gosh am I an awful person (or at least mine does!)

Honestly I think I would ask the question and see what transpires although I guess you risk things being more than a tad awkward afterwards but at least you'd know where you stand. Bit cheeky that some of them at least are taking advantage of your hospitality soon though.

I’m sure you are not an awful person in the slightest, but sometimes self doubt will raise its ugly head!

If the bigger group are coming to you soon then you are clearly a cherished friend. They might just need reminding (via that one specific friend) that you are not shackled to your homelife and would be up for some spontaneous fun on occasion. Sending love ❤️!

This is why I struggle with friendship groups, I'm much less emotionally stable that you OP, this kind of thing would make me delete the group and block them 🫣

I guess you have three main options:

1. feel sad and then try to forget about it. Don't mention it and "move on". Accepting that it may or may not have been personal.

2. you ask them. It's very awkward and may not end well (likely they will try to make you feel better but underneath you'll suspect they're lying) but it may result in honesty, albeit unlikely.

3. you don't address it and start to disengage from the group with a view to leave it over time.

I'm not sure which is preferable. If you really value them, perhaps try number 1. If this is a one off, I'm sure you'll feel better soon. If it happens again, then you'll know.

I recently read something that reminded me that most friends are transient and aren't life long. This sometimes helps take the pressure off. "Who cares if they don't want me at every event, I enjoy the ones I go to" as an example.

You mention you're the only one with a child, is that right? If so, this could be a key reason, people assume a lot of crap about mums but also people can change when they have kids, is it possible the dynamics have changed?

Have no further advice but would be very interested in their explanation

This is so kind thank you, you’ve genuinely made me feel a million times better…might actually sleep tonight now haha! Honestly thank you for taking the time out, I appreciate it a lot 😊

This is really good advice thank you - and you’ve made me reflect because no the dynamic hasn’t, they adore my children, include them in everything, crazy generous gifts, so maybe I’m massively over thinking and it’s an oversight and she then felt really awkward and wasn’t sure what to do. And thanks for talking me down as I didn’t feel very emotionally stable haha

How can you be sure that they are all going? Perhaps it was an error as only 2 or 3 of the 4 are going and you are not the problem!

I have been and still am in this situation, I have told the one I am closest to and she understands how it has made me feel. However I have had to have a word with myself as my situation is different and while its always lively to be asked, I get massive FOMO if I cant go and so its just way easier if I dont get asked. Often I dont want to go, not really, esp as I have young children and theirs are now all older. But when I do go and do get asked they are always really happy to see me and show a lot of interest in my life. I just had to be realistic and our lives are different. I always try and make events if I can though even if I don't want to go.

Im sure its nothing intentional. Perhaps drop it in convo when you see them and ask how their weekend was and did they all have fun at the pub?

You’re honestly welcome. I am sure you are hugely important to them, but they have missed the mark and need gentle reminding not to make assumptions because you are not chained to the kitchen sink! X

This always happens when the group gets too large and sub groups appear. Nothing at all to do with you personally.

Identify which ones you really do like, invite them over for a kitchen supper and start developing one to one meaningful friendships with them. Join in on the odd group meet up, but take away the decent friends now and stop relying on the ‘group’ it’s dying stages now sadly.

It's a shitty way for them to behave BUT you are in control of how you let it get to you.

If they're crappy friends, back off. Make other friends, preferably with kids so they are more understanding.

Either way, don't turn this into a thing to beat yourself with. Don't sit around wondering if you're 'boring' or 'not fun enough' - they haven't said that so don't make assumptions that leave you feeling horrible.

Very often friendships struggle when one has kids and the others don't. It's not nice but it is what it is.

You can do better.x.

I’ve been thinking about this a little more and looking back on what happened when only one of my group of friends had kids, and then also when I had kids (and the rest of my group still didn’t).

I think the person with kids can often be left out, sometimes kind of on purpose but not necessarily a reflection on that person. It’s more about what’s going on I. Their lives. Like, they may feel they can’t or don’t want to relate to you in the same way at the moment because you’ve entered a phase of life that they’re not at, and subconsciously or otherwise, they have some difficult feelings. I remember I had one friend who was married with a baby when the rest of the group were basically single and not necessarily happily so. I think it’s natural sometimes to gravitate towards people in the same situ. That’s not to say you wouldn’t be absolutely lovely and understanding and have all the right insights and sympathy - it’s just they’re not thinking that far through and are instinctively wanting to be with people who are just the same. Particularly if they are actively finding it hard - which they may not have shared with you.

I also experienced it myself after I had my baby. I think that my single and childfree friends kind of mentally moved me into a different category even though I never would have been a “smug parent” or dominated the chat with nap schedules and nappy talk. Being with people in the same situ was what they needed at the time. I’m not pretending it didn’t hurt and I definitely had the same feelings you do, but with time I realised what had happened. It also didn’t last, they got to places where they felt happier, and I also felt more confident in myself, and life is back to normal.

just a thought. The TLDR version is it’s them not you, but they’re not being horrible on purpose just careless with how it might look to you.

I had something similar and ended up leaving the group. Now I look back and am surprised that I stayed in it so long. There were a lot of warning signs that they weren’t good friends. I guess your decision will depend on whether you believe them to be good friends overall or not.

This is really kind thank you and does make a lot of sense, I think careless probably sums it up really well. I think a couple of them will join me as parents within the next year or so, so I guess time will tell.

thanks again to all of you I was fully expecting to be told I was being over sensitive and a bit me me me but you all really cheered me up ❤️

Hope you’re feeling loads better today. ❤️

Being excluded is awful and it has similar effects on the brain as physical pain so your feelings are understandable. Us women without children experience it on a regular basis in friendship groups, work and wider society so I completely understand

I always think it is kind to invite even if you think the answer is likely no

I'm in a situation where I am being left out and it is horrible. It is one parent in particular that seems to want to include me but only to 'outdo' me. It is exhausting. So for my own POM, I am going to give myself distance.

I do a hobby, and once last year thought I’d been excluded as the others had arranged to meet up using a separate group. I raised it with them and it was a simple misunderstanding - they thought I couldn’t make it. It had been eating me up and I was so glad I cleared the air, they’ve stopped using their other group since, and everything gets posted in the main group.

It would be worth raising I think otherwise it can just eat you up.

Maybe it was just a meet up between the 2 of them. There are often times when members of my friendship group just meet 1-1.

This is a bit mad, OP. If she used one of the other women’s names, isn’t it more likely that she was meeting her individually, one-on-one, accidentally posted it to the group WhatsApp rather than just messaging the individual, and deleted it when she realised? No mystery, no drama, no excluding you?

Yes op its really hurtful. Grown women can be mean. I try and meet one to one now Im not mad on groups of 5+ feel too much drama with it all. Im 50s