Friendship group leaving me out

[Feelingleftoutoften]

I’ve never started a thread before (have been a regular poster but NC for this….I hope!)

I’d really like everyone’s views on whether I’m being unreasonable, I’ll try to keep this brief. Ive been part of a friendship group for almost a decade now, started as four of us and then lots of growth of other people’s friends and friends of friends, all lovely, no problem at all with that. Of course the more people there are, not everyone can be invited to everything and also NP with that at all (I’m the only one with children so it follows I can’t go to everything).

There’s been quite a lot of times over the last 2 or 3 years I’ve felt left out (although to be fair to my friends I’ve never really said anything as I hate conflict and wouldn’t want to be invited out of pity) but this evening feels like it might be the final straw. We all live super close together and I was messaging one friend on Friday asking about her weekend plans, general chit chat, and said if you’re free you can join in with us for the weekend, she wasn’t, no problem there. This evening she’s messaged a WhatsApp group with the just the core of us in asking which pub to meet in tonight (clearly a planned meet up I wasn’t invited to) then quickly deleted it but I’d already seen it.

I’m feeling so upset not to have been asked but perhaps I’m overreacting so I’d love some honest opinions. Sort of hope I am being over sensitive as that would hurt a bit less so feel free to be honest 😊

Being in a friendship group is always problematic for this reason. I think the trick here is to develop 121 friendships in the group and do different things with different people so it's not always a group thing. I've felt so much better since doing this, you can still do the group things x

I'd normally think this was off, but you talk to them everyday, are seeing them for dinner this week, see them a lot at other times etc etc. in which case I don't think it's excluding you as much as some of the group wanting to see each other separately on this occasion. It can get too much seeing groups so often and it's good to mix things up a bit. Her posting on the group was probably thoughtless, but otherwise it seems like these group has evolved and expanded a lot over time and perhaps what you think of a consistent core isn't the same for them all. But as long as you're seeing your friends plenty, which it sounds like you are, then there's no issue of exclusion, and if you really felt there was and you're so close that you talk to them everyday, then it can't be all that hard to ask about it.

I know I'm the odd one but for me the thought of a 'friendship ' group fills me with horror. I'd hate it being a solitary tomboy. So much scope for toxic female behaviour as there's usually always one alpha. I get how upsetting it is for you op but tbh I think you're best out of it.

These threads always make me feel sad and frustrated. I don't know why some people are so careless and thoughtless towards others. It's playground behaviour that follows some women into adulthood. Just vow to never do this to others.

IME, there are three reasons this often happens.

One is as PP said, some people can only feel like they belong by excluding someone. If that is the case, you are well off without all of them, however painful it is temporarily. You will know if it is this because they will bitch behind each other's backs - criticise each other's homes, bodies, husbands, actions. You never need a person like this in your life.

Another is that the person being excluded is a real PITA and unaware of it. Either constantly doom and glooming about the world or monologuing about their pet obsession or having crises or thinking their issues are hyper-important and worthy of sympathy and attention without realising everyone has problems and most people leave them at home to enjoy a good night out. That person will be eased out of the group because they drain it.

The third is that no one is difficult, not them, not the person being dropped, but they have more in common with each other than you, and so naturally gravitate towards each other a bit more easily than they do towards the person being left out. That is painful, but ultimately sets you free to meet more like minded people.If they all share hobbies that you don't, it sounds like it might be this.

I don’t think this likely to be it, the majority of the time. I think there’s likely to be one or more of a number of contributing factors, some of which @Meadowwild lists — that the person being left out is a PITA without realising it, that they’re at a different life stage to the others (single/in a longterm relationship/childless/with young children etc), that the others have simply become closer over time due to shared interests, natural shifts in friendship or the original group having become much diluted by other people’s friends joining in, that the person left out is a people-pleaser to the extent it makes her ‘invisible’ in the group etc etc.

OP, don’t you have other friends too? You do sound a little over-dependent on this group if not being invited to things is upsetting you this much. What about the other plans for the weekend you were inviting the friend who messaged along on?

I think it is the no Kids thing OP not you.

if they are all no kids, single / not in serious relationships then conversation wise there is going to be a gulf between you-person-who-has-dp-and-kids and them. You are a different stage in life with different priorities.

I would not take it personally, see what happens when they do have kids. Your dinner plan sounds lovely.

If I knew them well I'd just say "Ooh, what pub, can I come?"

I’d definitely post on group saying you saw the post yesterday about a meet up & it was deleted. Just want to check I had not missed a meeting up with the group as I can’t remember seeing anything about it? (It could have been for a different group) that way you should get a definite answer from someone!

Exactly this - perhaps they think it’s not always easy to go out for you as you maybe can’t just drop everything.

Could it be that she just wanted to message only that girl? I.e. just the 2 of them and not the wider group of the 5 of you? x

When I was about 17 I had a best friend and was close to a few others in a wider friendship group. It came to light I'd been left out of a few things, purposefully, for no real reason. Those 'closer' relationships never really felt the same after that.

You're right to feel aggrieved by it, and by the sounds of it over time you'll move in a different direction anyways.

It’s horrible for you - I know because I get the same treatment - usually instigated by one particular person, who loves excluding me and then letting it slip that she and whoever, have been out together. It’s so hurtful. I am gradually distancing myself from them and just keep in touch with one who I like a lot and see her individually. They are just f—-ing bitches! LadyMuckRake is absolutely right!!

It wouldn’t bother me, I’m part of a group of three cousins and I know the other two have their own WhatsApp chat and sometimes meet up without me. I just accept they are probably closer or like each other more than they like me.

I totally understand your reaction, it’s a shitty feeling being left out. I think it might be the children thing . I was the first in one friendship group to have kids and didn’t get invited out to things, which I understood as the dynamics of the group had changed . A few years later they all had kids and all was good .
another thing , has a new person joined the group?
I’m in a friendship group where the other 5 live in the same village and I live in the next village about a 10 minute drive . A woman new to their village has recently joined the group and I’ve found that they’ve been out a few times and I’ve not been invited . I’m closer to one particular woman and mentioned it to her . She told me that new woman organised the events . I’m not that close to new woman and do understand.
I tell myself “it’s her/them not me”.
so could you talk to one person you’re closer to ?

I’ve often thought that in a lot of groups, whether work, family, social or whatever there always seems to be a dynamic of at least one, or two persons being sidelined as the underdog, scapegoat or brunt of jokes. I don’t think that these persons necessarily do anything that warrants this behaviour, it’s mostly an issue with others in any group needing to assert their own presence, or sense of entitlement. I’ve been there, and been excluded, and also seen others put into that scenario. It hurts, but if people do this to you, and show their true colours then maybe you need to reassess whether you actually want to know them?

Do you talk about your kids all the time?

Ah sorry to hear this, I hope you’ve not intentionally been excluded. I had a scenario once where a friend was really upset as she saw that 3 of us from a much wider friendship group were out together as one of us had posted a pic on Instagram. There was nothing nefarious about it, at a meet up last year we’d been the only ones to attend and got chatting about a gig we’d all want to see so spontaneously booked tickets and didn’t even think to invite anyone else. But it really hurt the friend so I’m going to make sure to always try to include her and others where possible - hope it’s one of those. I felt absolutely awful knowing I’d hurt a friend unintentionally and how she must be feeling.

I'm sure it's nothing you've done it's probs just been last minute arrangements. If she's unsure of the time/pub it could've been a late suggestion to go for a couple of drinks without a plan in place. If you want to go just message saying you saw the deleted message & if there's a night out planned you'd love to come. If you don't want to ask outright maybe wait til they're at yours for dinner & see if it's mentioned or ask when the next drinks night is going to be.

I would look at each one of this group with fresh eyes and consider who has your back and who maybe doesn’t. Cherish those who ateebreally there for you and put a little distance between yourself and those who are less keen.