Am I reading too much into this?

[futuredreaming]

I'm due to give birth in the next couple of weeks and dh has been a great support, rubs my back, buys everything I need etc but there's one thing that's bothering me and I can't decide if it's hormones making me over think things or if I should be grateful but...
It's occurred to me I haven't chosen anything for the baby.
He has bought it all from pram to clothes to crib, baby swing, you name it he's chosen and purchases it.
I've been with him and agreed but anything I pick out he has a list of reasons why it's not suitable and then it's always him that chooses.
I know it sounds silly because he's obviously enthusiastic and excited but I just feel like he's taken over this pregnancy and I don't feel like I've had much of a say.
When I brought it up with him he says it's untrue and I can buy whatever I want but in reality if he doesn't like it he will be obviously unimpressed so I just leave him to decide.
He's very fussy in what he likes and dislikes where I'm more easy going so I think I'm starting to opt for the easy life of doing what he wants because then he's happy.
He's a nice guy and we're generally happy I've just begun to realise I am taking a back seat and don't want this to continue.

Why havent you purchased some items?

It doesnt sound as though anything is stopping you. He likes what he likes and probably wants to be organised but, as you havent picked anything then of course he will need to organise clothes, somewhere to sleep etc etc.

This sounds quite controlling behaviour on his part? Have you discussed baby names, i.e. will your child's name be chosen and liked by both parents???

It sounds like he's gaslighting, to say that you can buy whatever you want but you don't feel like you have any real option here. My instinct is screaming "run away"...

Id nip this in the bud now because the longer it goes on, the more he will expect to get his own way.

I suppose I pick things up and show him and he doesn't like it so I put it down and then he'll pick something else up that he likes and put it on the basket.
If he bought something I wasn't particularly fussed on I wouldn't say anything because he likes it whereas if I got something he didn't like he would come out and say it was horrible and then I'd feel bad for buying it.

I don't get why you aren't buying what you want?

Is he like this with everything, or only baby stuff?

This, if you're umming and ahhing about things and you could give birth any time, is he not just being pro active? Would he make you return something you'd bought online?

Just buy what you want then. Why do you have to show each other everything?

I would go online and buya few bits now, outfits, sleepsuits, bibs etc., even if you don't need them. See what he says. I find this behaviour so strange on his part and would nip this in the bud.

Are you planning to breastfeed?

Do you have full access to money? Would he ask you questions if you ordered/bought things you like?

Personality wise this is similar to me and my DH - he has an opinion on most purchases or decisions about the house for example, whereas I’m more laid back. He wouldn’t have got involved in clothes buying though. I have felt like you occasionally but then I think it’s on me to do something about it. Just go out and buy some bits, you will feel better for it and really what’s he going to have to moan about if you’ve selected some clothes or sleep suits? It probably is your hormones if it’s making you more irritated than normal. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have this dynamic in the partnership (it works for me because I’m lazier than my DH!) but don’t let it strip away absolutely all influence you could have.

Take yourself out or do a bit of internet shopping, buy your baby a few bits that YOU like!

Show him when it arrives or don't. If he says he doesn't like it say oh that is a shame because I do and our baby is going to look great in it/with it.

Hi, OP -

DH is older than me and had more definite tastes when we got together, so I sympathasise.

You need to find your words! I found it matters less who first saw an item and more how I felt about it. So if he decides you need an organic yellow cotton BabyGro but the cotton is scratchy or you hate yellow, tell him what bothers you and reject it. OTOH if you love the BabyGro then what does it matter who first put it in the basket?

These guys def understand when you make an objection like that. Also DH should understand your desire simply to participate reasonably in the big material decisions. But it may take a bit of work, especially if he has been used to doing things on his own

Also agree, just buy some things yourself!

Full access to money yes it's a joint account and he wouldn't mind at all if I bought something but I just know if he didn't like it he comes out and says it so I then I regret it and let him choose.

It is probably just hormones because he's not controlling by nature I'm just too polite to say if I don't like his choice but he won't hide it.
I don't normally feel this way so maybe I'm overthinking and hormonal because he's bought some lovely things, it's just as if my suggestions aren't as good as his.

I think you're right it's probably always been there but it works so I haven't noticed it before, he's quite opinionated and more of a leader than me and I'm quite quiet and laid back and go along with him because if I don't agree with him then I'm wrong and it's easier to say do what you think then it's not my fault if it's not right.

My DP was like this. I ended up just buying things without seeking approval and telling them to get a grip.

The fact it's how I'm feeling is on me because he wouldn't want me to feel that way but he wouldn't understand if I explained, I don't even understand me at the moment, maybe once baby is here and it'll be alright.

How have the discussions on baby names gone?

Honestly this would be a red flag for me. You’re a first time mum, you should be choosing the pram etc. for baby, why is he making this all about him and his opinion, I find that very concerning.

I’m not saying he will do this but he sounds like the type who could whisk baby away from mum when it’s born for “skin to skin” with his top off and insist of bottle feeding because he wants to. Have you spoken about any of this and made your wishes clear? What about maternity leave? I think you need to iron these things out ASAP so he doesn’t take over and railroad you into things.

We took a long time but eventually came up with something we both love.

This is the thin end of the wedge. I've seen it many times and done it myself. Men are fussy, they like things their own way, they express strong feelings about things (even if they're not actually strong). Women are often more flexible and, if they don't feel strongly about something, think "meh, let him have it his way because I don't care that much". Eventually you look back and realise you always do what he wants, always do things how he wants, always go where he wants to. And then you think "how did this happen?" And become a stronger middle aged woman who gets characterised as a pita simply for doing what he has always done. I know, been there and got the t-shirt and my worm turned in middle age, also when DD became a teenager and I didn't want her to think this was acceptable. 💪

I think you just need to be a bit more self confident ( easier said than done, I know). As long as you like what he is choosing, I can’t see a problem. If you said you didn’t want green cot cover because it was bilious, if he said, fine we’ll have the yellow one, that’s okay. If he bought the green…😯

I expect when the baby arrives, you will find your inner tiger though!