Am I reading too much into this?

[futuredreaming]

I'm due to give birth in the next couple of weeks and dh has been a great support, rubs my back, buys everything I need etc but there's one thing that's bothering me and I can't decide if it's hormones making me over think things or if I should be grateful but...
It's occurred to me I haven't chosen anything for the baby.
He has bought it all from pram to clothes to crib, baby swing, you name it he's chosen and purchases it.
I've been with him and agreed but anything I pick out he has a list of reasons why it's not suitable and then it's always him that chooses.
I know it sounds silly because he's obviously enthusiastic and excited but I just feel like he's taken over this pregnancy and I don't feel like I've had much of a say.
When I brought it up with him he says it's untrue and I can buy whatever I want but in reality if he doesn't like it he will be obviously unimpressed so I just leave him to decide.
He's very fussy in what he likes and dislikes where I'm more easy going so I think I'm starting to opt for the easy life of doing what he wants because then he's happy.
He's a nice guy and we're generally happy I've just begun to realise I am taking a back seat and don't want this to continue.

I hope he doesn't do the same thing to your child as he's doing to you. Do you want a child that will always do what your DH wants rather than what they want?

I suppose it’s more grating that you’ve brought it up with him and he’s dismissed it. Some self-awareness would be good! (And I must admit, my DH at least knows/jokes that he’s a control freak!). Keep mentioning it to him, and if you buy something and he doesn’t like it tell him that you DO like it and you don’t need his approval for everything! Use it as an example of what you’ve tried to tell him previously. Perhaps/hopefully this is a dynamic that you can shift slowly and steadily, led by a change in your behaviour. Good luck! x

You sound very passive OP - you need to assert yourself more and not just go along with what your partner wants so that he's happy. If you're not happy with the current situation, you need to change it. Buy some things for the baby that you like. You don't need his approval on every single thing.

This.
You sound very passive.
Change this dynamic.
I certainly don't think what you have written is the norm.
Whether he doesn't appear generally controlling, his behaviour in this instance is.
Push back and stop allowing it to bother you if he doesn't like something.
Don't ask a question you don't want the answer to is great advice.
Buy what you like WITHOUT asking for his feed back.
If he gives it, tell him it's OK, I am happy with MY decision.
Watch this OP, it could become an issue.

This would drive me nuts. Stand up for what you want & if he doesn't like what you've chosen just tell him tough luck. Most men are happy to be guided when it comes to buying stuff for babies so it must feel frustrating to not feel you can choose anything. The only way this will change is if you change it by standing up for yourself. Good luck

You sound a bit like me. I have crippling social anxiety and I'm constantly worrying about what people think. If you didn't feel this way before the pregnancy I'd speak to a midwife and explain it's a new feeling.
It does sound like you are seeking approval before making a decision or purchase rather than him being controlling.

I think you have to accept that if you choose something he doesn't like, he might be disapproving, but that's ok, as everyone's taste is different.

What would his reaction be if you bought something (e.g. baby clothes, etc) he said he didn't like?

At the end of the day, he doesn't have to wear the baby clothes, so it sounds like either (1) you're anticipating an overly negative reaction because it's a naturally anxious time, or (2) he needs to chill out a bit!

it seems bizarre that you’ve had no say in the pram that you’ll use ( probably more than your dh as you’ll be on May leave) or the cot your baby will sleep in or any clothes you will be dressing your baby in.

do you lack confidence?

you need to become more assertive and use your voice or your life will be taken over by someone else.

this is not about him being controlling. It's about you being very very passive. Someone has to get things bought and if you're not saying 'No, I prefer this one' then what's he to do?!

I think practical things like prams/high chairs should be chosen by the person using them the most. But they need to chose & get them bought.

I think this is another example where if it was the other way round, ie the woman sorting everything, no one would see a problem. Which is exactly how it is with me and my DH. I have always researched and bought everything. My DH has barely been involved.

I don't think it's a huge problem that he's buying stuff, just don't let him railroad you into parenting his way too. You are equal parents, you have to make parenting decisions together.

Next time he says he doesn't like something, just say "well I love it" and put it in the basket anyway.

It doesn't sound like he's controlling, it sounds like you're passive, and then getting resentful about it later.

Just bite the bullet, get some things, and train yourself not to feel guilty about it.

It does sound like you are seeking approval before making a decision or purchase rather than him being controlling.

I think you may be right I want him to like it or I won't buy it so I ask his opinion and then we buy what he likes.
I thought perhaps it was him but I'm beginning to think he just gets on with it because he's proactive and I need to learn to think for myself.

Sounds like you are (consciously or unconsciously) wanting to be agreeable with your DH on everything

While he is just doing him: voicing his preferences, and in the absence of any objections, acting on them.

This is really about your lack of confidence in holding a different perspective from your spouse.

Have you ever argued? How do you both manage issues where one person wants one thing and the other person doesn't?(and it's a discrete option: so for instance having a baby or not.)

Learning to hold onto your own choices and point of views within a relationship is actually very important.

Otherwise you may find that your DH will stop even considering that you may have a differing view. He will believe that you will go along with whatever he wants because that's what you have always done.

He will probably become quite unhappy when you attempt to change a dynamic that's giving him what he wants up until now.

I'm just too polite to say if I don't like his choice

You need to stop being "polite". If you can't disagree with him over his choice of baby outfit, how are you going to manage the "big" decisions about what sort of parents you are going to be?

What do you think would happen if you said "I don't like that. I don't want us to get that."?

What's he like with other things? If you are generally not as fussed about things as he is, and they're not awful, then I can't see that you have much to complain about. Find something that you really love for the baby and buy it! ("Whaddya mean a baby can't wear a sparkly purple cowboy hat? She'll look great!").

I bought some gold sandals that DH hated. Tough. I wore them until they fell apart. Sometimes you have to make a small stand. I mean, we wouldn't argue about most things, but just occasionally you can put your gold-clad foot down.

My DP has always been a bit like you @futuredreaming , and to be honest it drives me up the wall.

Lets say we're looking for a new sofa. She picks one out, I'm not a fan, so I say so. I don't want to spend the next 10 years sat on a sofa that I find uncomfortable or looks hideous. So I pick one out, she's not a fan but won't say she doesn't like it, so we end up buying it.

6 months later we're looking for a kitchen table, and it all goes the same way until suddenly she's crying because everything we own is stuff that I picked and she never gets to choose. And we have a long conversation that I'll try to take her opinion on stuff, but that she needs to start fighting her corner too.

And then 4 years later we're in the same situation because nothings changed.

This happened 3 times in the first 12 years of our relationship, and we've now managed to go 5 years without it happening again because I've gotten very good at working out what she's not saying from her body language, and then teasing out what she really thinks over many questions.

And the really annoying thing is, that I care so much less about this stuff than she does. 99% of the time I'd happily be the one to compromise, I'd just prefer to at least try and find something we both like first.

That's not being too polite, that's being a self abandoning people pleaser... You need to get the polite thing out of your head because it's not doing you or him any favours

Buy things for your baby and enjoy it :)

Honestly I think this one is on you. If you like something say so, why are you behaving like he’s in charge and you need his approval? So what if he does not like it. It’s fine for him to say that. But you can’t just accept it then complain behind his back.

I don't understand couples like this but know plenty of them. Everything needs to be run through their (male) partner!

How are things in the rest of the relationship? I often leave big purchases (eg baby buggy, hoover) to my husband as he doesn't mind researching that kind of thing and I have no interest. But in things I do have an interest in (furniture, holidays) he is happy for me to take the lead. We both veto each others choices and compromise where we have different tastes so it isn't unequal.

I'd ask what would happen if you vetoed your husbands choice. You say you'd be 'wrong' - is this due to your own inability to trust you've made the right decision, or is something in husband behaviour (eg huffing, or constantly pointing out what he didn't like in the first place)

I think it's more like if I choose something and he didn't like it he'd probably agree to buy it but then moan about it constantly and when something went wrong or it broke it would be "I told you this was rubbish, nobody listened, no we had to have this crappy thing and now look, this is exactly why I said .... I knew this would happen...
So I just think I'll let him choose.

Pathetic. Just go shopping and buy something. A toy or babygro isn’t going to break. You are enabling this behaviour. I’d be faking a craving at 2am and send his controlling arse out for something.

Honestly, he sounds like a bit of a dick to me