Wealth Gap Relationships

[Cristia]

DS is 26, he has started dating a girl who is from an incredibly wealthy family (large property portfolio of million pound + properties), she is 23, she works but in a "for fun" way, lives in a gorgeous 3 bed flat near Hyde park, family home worth I'd imagine many millions in Kensington.
On the flip, DH and I make combined about 50k a year, we live in the north east, never gone to uni etc.
DS went to uni is doing well for himself, been single for a little while so nice to see him happy.

This week we are down seeing him, he has taken the week off and we have been invited to various things, which normally aren't our cup of tea but I told DH to give it a go.
Tonight - A box at the ballet with the girls dad, stepdad, etc. Lovely time, we had dinner first and had met up at there house for something more casual in the afternoon.
Since we got back to the hotel DH is moaning and moaning how the relationship isn't going to work, our son is out of his depth. He is convinced something predatory must be happening as she is gorgeous "rich" girl and why would she be interested in our "common as the come geordie son".
Tomorrow DS is spending the day with just us and DH wants to make it clear that we won't be engaging with the rest of the weeks activities as it "isn't for us" and he should cut his loses with this girl!! The rest of the week isn't exactly offensive in anyway, Ascot on Friday, DS, DD and his girlfriend plus all her friends are going to see Taylor Swift on Saturday (DS girlfriend has paid for a box for all her friends so this is no cost to us), then some Tennis at Queens to finish the week. While it isn't our normal activities I don't think any of them will have 'Plebs stay out sign' !!

The girl and her dad and step dad seem lovely, all very kind and welcoming, I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

DH is still going on about how it is wrong and it can't last, she's just so different. He thinks the 'fancy' activities are just to show off!

Does anyone share his view? AIBU to think he is being delusional and trying to ruin a good thing and DS's happiness for what is basically reverse snobbery!

Your DH is an absolute duck and awful father.

The GF's family aren't the snobby problem, your husband is.

I come from a wealthy family. My DH grew up on a council estate. He's a fucking brilliant person... maybe your DH could think that of his son too.

I think I made her sound awful saying 'In a just for fun way'. She has a career but it isn't likely to bring in the big bucks, she does however work hard and love her job.
I think using family money to allow you to pursue a career you love rather than joining the 9-5 rat race then that is perfectly fair.

What's your point?

The fine arts are teetering financially. They used to get government funding which no longer exists. Yeah they have to fill the seats. And I don't see any reason why this family shouldn't pay for a box. They want to, they can, why not. If you have a ton of money, the least you can do is spread some of it around and benefit others rather than Smaug it.

I hope you go to all the fabulous events and just have fun

Sounds like a fun experience and a happy relationship - what’s not to like? agree why should she have some career she hates when she can have one she likes? It’s not a sin to have family money. Hope they continue to have a great time (wish my week looked like that, sounds fabulous).

dying at PP having a go because they want to sit in a box! I would prefer a box too; you’re not next to people picking their noses and coughing/unwrapping tin foil sandwiches (yes, I’ve seen this at the ballet).

DH should make the most of it and have a nice time!

Is it the wealth that's an issue or the gay Dad and Step Dad?

Your husbands reaction is really weird, I don’t know why he’s assuming she’s with your son for reasons other than love. My lovely SIL comes from a very wealthy family and couldn’t give a flying fuck that my brother didn’t. My brother always insists on paying his half of all things, her family are so generous and have welcomed him into their family as we did with her.

They are what you might call extravagant but I think it’s just a completely different way of life when you have that much money. As long as they are nice people I would let your son crack on!

Your DH is being a snob!
Yes it's not what he likes to do but he shouldn't be tarnishing your DSs relationship because she has money!
If he's happy then what's the harm.

It clearly makes your DH feel inadequate in a way but everyone lives different lives!
Tell him to button it it's not his life or his relationship

It sounds like you DS is doing fine and they’ve booked some activities to make the most out of your London week. What did your DH want to do in London?

Sounds like this girl see’s your DS for who he is rather than his money.

PS. Can I come to Taylor Swift instead of DH?

If your son is a financial advisor then he won't be short of cash himself during his career. Sounds like he and his girlfriend are having a fun time together. I hesitate to ask, but could your DH's feelings be connected to the girlfriend having a dad and a stepdad? Unless I've read the two-dads relationship wrong. Enjoy your time in London with them.

Your DH sounds like he is speaking out of fear and ignorance. Perhaps if you give him some time to let their relationship sink in, he might come around. It's a different world for him and he needs to realise that seeing his son take part in a different lifestyle doesn't mean that he doesn't appreciate his own roots. I think when people react that and see that they are deviating from a lifestyle that they know, fear sets in and your DH is kicking up without keeping an open mind about things.

My DH and I are from different backgrounds but we share the same umbrella of values. MIL lives in the North, never went to uni, etc. My parents went to uni, and as immigrants, lived abroad and did very well for themselves.

My DH and I have attended polos, Ascot, operas, etc. and various events together. One of the first few times I met MIL we took her to afternoon tea at Harrods, and after she told us that she didn't like afternoon tea. The times she would visit, she would always complain or say something negative. She was quite chippy, negative and a reverse snob as my DH would say. I stayed patient. After a conversation with my DM, she said to be patient and to make her feel comfortable as best we can so she could get to know me better.

As the years passed by, DH and I got married, had 2 kids and MIL has softened up and is definitely less chippy and more open minded. On her birthdays she now treats herself to afternoon tea with her boyfriend and she has even visited my family abroad.

Perhaps he just needs some time to get to know her and eventually he will soften up. Good luck!

Why be snobby at all? Why is ‘he’s the one working hard’ being seen as some superior moral quality that’s better than having the freedom to have the life you want?

Ime those I have heard say that have inadvertently highlighted their insecurity by doing so, as well as a desire to make themselves feel better by assuring themselves that their own circumstances are superior, as if they even had the same options available to them.

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The girl and her family are just living their normal lives. Their world isn’t one shared by the majority, but it’s no less real.

I think it’s sad that people try and limit their experiences based on what they think ‘people like us’ should enjoy.

It’s tribalism, isn’t it? Being uncomfortable with those not of your tribe, and being threatened that the other tribe is claiming one of yours.

Your H is pathetic, insecure and riddled with inverse snobbery. They’re not showing off, they’re being kind and welcoming and generous.

You’ve posted about this before haven’t you. You both have a chip on your shoulder about wealth, like proper issues, but you’ve clearly calmed down, your husband has not.

your son and his partner can work. The issue , the only issue is your husband and the fact he’s so limited and struggles to deal with anyone with money.

what an appalling way for him to behave though. I mean seriously. I’d not be able to look at him. Go to the activities,he can fuck off home.

@Cristia Your husband needs to stop being chippy, be polite and keep his opinions to himself.

Your son is young and this is his life. Not yours, not your husband's. His. He can date anyone he wants.

He's 23. Maybe this relationship will last. Maybe it won't. But in the meantime it sounds like he and his girlfriend are having fun. Don't let your husband spoil it for them.

Yes, it can sometimes be complicated when there is a large wealth disparity. But it sounds like your son's girlfriend knows he is from an ordinary background and doesn't care. She likes him for who he is, not where he's from, where he went to school or the size of his trust fund. That's a good thing. It sounds like her parents are perfectly pleasant people too.

Please talk some sense into your husband. All he has to do is be polite, and to be as welcoming towards your son's girlfriend as her family have been towards all of you. Nothing else is required of him.

Cross other bridges when you get to them.

Actually weirdly come across several of these relationships recently through my work - very wealthy young woman with family money husband from average background who is handsome good company and a good dad. They all seem pretty happy dynamic seems to work .

If I were super rich would far rather my Dd was with a lovely man who adored her and treated her well.

I come from a family who has a lot more money than my partner. I would be devastated if someone told him to break things off with me because of that. I don’t care how much money he does or doesn’t have. I love him for who he is. He is kind and sweet and is good for me. That is all I care about.

Your DH has had a visceral reaction here but I'm gonna cut him some slack and say it's making him feel very insecure, fish out of water, no common ground with the blokes and maybe like he isn't good enough. He's probably projecting forwards and thinking how can he compete with what they provide etc. It sounds as though they've gone to a lot of effort to include you and facilitate a nice week. It may or may not last, tell DH to chill his beans, enjoy the experience and not worry about the future. they're young and in all honestly the well off do tend to marry their own. I dont like that he's tell you, you cant join in. if he doesn't want to join the planned activities tell him you'll see him when you get back.

more couples break up over lack of money, most likely she will always have enough and be cared for financially so there will be zero squabbling over spilled wine and buying tenderloin or the increase in fuel prices

@CurlsnSunshinetime4tea people on tight budgets can be compatible if they're both on the same page

I think more couples break up due to disagreements about spending. In time, the DS may feel under pressure to spend more than he's comfortable with, the GF may feel she's living a simpler life than she wants and / or GF might subsidise him for a while and then resent it

I imagine the parents are playing along with it, after all they are both young and the likelihood of it getting serious very low.

Both of you are taking it too seriously. They are dating that's all.

Could be split up in 3 months. Chances are they will due to their ages alone.

I can't imagine they think for a minute your DS is a suitable long term partner. (I'm sure your DS is lovely, but he won't have the background, connections etc that would make him a suitable match in thier eyes).

Your DH has unfortunately internalised the snobbery that privileged people so often direct at the less so, and sadly now believes it, and thinks that your family are not good enough for this family. He is not confident or in his comfort zone and feels he us being patronised and possibly scoffed at behind his back, and doesn't want that for your son. Its a real shame, but often these feelings are rooted in experience and are very hard to shake. If it were me I'd try giving him a firm talking to about being proud of who he is, who your son is and your background and point out that all the money in the world shouldn't make someone too good for his son.

There we go! That's exactly the attitude the OPs H will know exists amongst some wealthy people. That's what he fears and is trying to protect his son from. OP, its posts like this that give you some insight into where your H is coming from.

Your DH sounds jealous.

don’t buy into the post that says given their ages they’ll split in 3 months. My sister is your son in her story, met at 15/19 and they’re still together 9 years later. The wealth gap isn’t as big, but it’s still huge!!!

don’t let him say anything to your son, tell him to grow up or fuck off.

enjoy your time with them, it sound great!