Wealth Gap Relationships

[Cristia]

DS is 26, he has started dating a girl who is from an incredibly wealthy family (large property portfolio of million pound + properties), she is 23, she works but in a "for fun" way, lives in a gorgeous 3 bed flat near Hyde park, family home worth I'd imagine many millions in Kensington.
On the flip, DH and I make combined about 50k a year, we live in the north east, never gone to uni etc.
DS went to uni is doing well for himself, been single for a little while so nice to see him happy.

This week we are down seeing him, he has taken the week off and we have been invited to various things, which normally aren't our cup of tea but I told DH to give it a go.
Tonight - A box at the ballet with the girls dad, stepdad, etc. Lovely time, we had dinner first and had met up at there house for something more casual in the afternoon.
Since we got back to the hotel DH is moaning and moaning how the relationship isn't going to work, our son is out of his depth. He is convinced something predatory must be happening as she is gorgeous "rich" girl and why would she be interested in our "common as the come geordie son".
Tomorrow DS is spending the day with just us and DH wants to make it clear that we won't be engaging with the rest of the weeks activities as it "isn't for us" and he should cut his loses with this girl!! The rest of the week isn't exactly offensive in anyway, Ascot on Friday, DS, DD and his girlfriend plus all her friends are going to see Taylor Swift on Saturday (DS girlfriend has paid for a box for all her friends so this is no cost to us), then some Tennis at Queens to finish the week. While it isn't our normal activities I don't think any of them will have 'Plebs stay out sign' !!

The girl and her dad and step dad seem lovely, all very kind and welcoming, I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

DH is still going on about how it is wrong and it can't last, she's just so different. He thinks the 'fancy' activities are just to show off!

Does anyone share his view? AIBU to think he is being delusional and trying to ruin a good thing and DS's happiness for what is basically reverse snobbery!

He's being silly, I'm a low earner and I'd be chuffed if it was my DS.

Your DH has no right to put his own insecurities in the middle of DS's relationship. If he insists he will speak, then it would be best for you to tell DS clearly that you firmly disagree.

As for the events, remind him it is rude to pull out. If he wants to do so, then he should explain he's out of his depth with new experiences and you can still attend. He must not try to turn his inability to cope with new event types into a problem caused by DS, the girl, nor her parents, as an adult he needs to own the fact he is unable to cope without deflection.

Go without your DH. You should be supporting your son's choices. It's not your place to decide what's good for him. He is a fully grown adult

Very succinctly put! Every sentence is perfect 🤩

I'm going to fly in the face of the other comments and say it takes an incredible amount of self esteem to be around this kind of wealth if you don't move in those circles yourself. I know no-one has the right to make someone else feel inferior but I get where your husband is coming from. This is not just being comfortable, it's significant wealth. That said, he's in danger of ruining things for your son if he can't keep it buttoned for the rest of this week. FWIW, I happen to think they're a bit tin eared themselves. What was wrong with getting good seats to the ballet? Why the box? They're insulating themselves from the types of people you and your husband are, and your husband, whilst being a bit chippy, can see this.

I'd be hoping that this relationship fizzles out because, ultimately, your son will have to make a choice to live in her world or be in yours. It strikes me that they're flaunting their wealth. If they know your circumstances, more self aware people would have done different things that wouldn't have the potential to make you uncomfortable.

We all live in the same world, if she is a down to earth and decent person she should be able to blend both experiences.

Your DH is being narrow minded and insecure, it’s quite juvenile! Anyone can watch tennis or go to the ballet.
My parents were pretty poor and I don’t feel out of place chatting or mixing with rich people, they’re just people!

Your husband is a class snob, and probably a hugely insecure one at that. Mixed in with some misogyny too, more than likely. What used to be described as a typical, male chauvinist, working class, northern male, he sounds very much like my exFIL and exH. He's having a temper tantrum isn't he? How very adult of him.🙄 Send him back and enjoy the rest of what sounds like a very enjoyable week without the manchild.

Also, I LIKE being around people ahead of me, whether that’s richer, ahead career wise, I like to learn, grow and get ahead.

I remember saying to my dad who was narrow minded and working class when I said I wanted to earn more than £50k a year, he said I wouldn’t do it and how on earth could I think I’d make that money? I hate hate hate that mindset. I do now make more than 50k a year, a lot more. I hate these ‘know your place’ people.

He sounds insecure. It's new experiences and he's being paid for. It's offending his delicate sense of manly pride 🙄.

Or he's homophobic. Is he uncomfortable with her Dad being gay?

Lucky boy. He’s going to need to be able to talk to you about this in a very open and ‘nobody spooks out’ way if this goes anywhere - conversations about weddings and housing and holidays will have to be approached with understanding from both sides, so please don’t let him feel like it’s an issue.

and if it doesn’t go anywhere, he’s just having a lovely time and some amazing experiences!

either way I see why your husband feels weird but he’s going to have to build a bridge and get over himself

I agree. It’s possible the girl’s parents don’t approve either and are trying to highlight the wealth gap. It all seems to go a bit beyond just being hospitable!

Are you writing Saltburn 2 OP?

It's not doomed to fail. But I disagree with PPs that it's 'lovely.'

Eventually someone in her circle - friends, family etc - will ask what your son contributes financially. Why is she always paying? Surely she can't be happy with that? Etc. Or he'll start thinking he needs to match her in some ways - spending too much on presents/holidays to impress her.

Its great whilst the going is good. But it will eventually hit a snag and to me it sounds like your husband is more than aware of that - he might not be approaching it in the most...tactful way. But he is right in that respect.

TBH it's also not just a money question, it's a class one. And different 'classes' i.e. inherited wealth (generational) will react to this situation differently than 'new money' would.

Art forms like ballet and opera are barely financially viable as it is. Somebody has to pay top dollar for the boxes to keep them going. Why not this family? They've got the money, they're willing. They're supporting the arts and creating some space in which to get to know people who might end up their family. Why not get the box, other than some muddled idea that it's "wrong"?

One of my DDs is in a relationship I don’t think will last as they are too different.

However, I spend time with them. I go where I’m invited and enjoy time with them. I make sure it DD feels supported by me to make her own choices.

One day, if it does go wrong, this relationship will just be memories for my DD, but I’m damn sure one of those memories won’t be me making her awkward and miserable or pushing my opinion on her!

Your DH needs to wind his neck in and support your son!

@DreadPirateRobots When was the last time you went to the ROH and saw swathes of empty seats?

No, they won’t. Because they will all know, and the level of wealth this is, it won’t be ‘oh we can’t pay the leccy cos he’s not also a billionaire’.

the pressure to match clothes / holidays / bar spend WILL be there, which is why he needs to be able to talk to his parents openly about his feelings about that. But if she’s a nice person, she’ll know he can’t match it and between them they’ll figure it out. If she’s not then it won’t work and that’ll be ok too.

I’ve seen these relationships and when the gap is this big it actually works better than when it’s someone who’s loosely moving in the same circles and SHOULD be able to match the spends but can’t. Whether your son feels ok about it all is the tricky bit, but that depends on the people involved…

Interesting perspective, I don't think they are intentionally flaunting, most of the plans were made before they knew we were coming down (or before DS was even in their life).
They joked we picked the busiest week in the calendar with Ascot and Tennis.
As for the ballet apparently they go several times a year but will only go when that box is available - I guess when you have that much money you get to be that level of picky.
I'm aware that our lifestyles are vastly different (they must be making in a month what we do in a year - at least.
They aren't snobby or difficult to talk to, they both have 'normal' jobs that are quite relatable, the property portfolio is passive income which while it makes up the bulk of their earnings they introduce themselves by their day jobs. DS is a financial advisor and thinks they are actually pretty ethical, they don't put any effort into maximising income - to the point he finds it frustrating! Apparently they are just happy to pay tax as it is and keep it simple.
I've told DH that if he doesn't want to finish the week he can get ill today but to not put DS off the relationship as it will create a divide.
I'm not sure why DS would have to pick one or the other though. He can live in a multi-million pound flat and make a habit of ascot and ballet, but he can still come home to our 3 bed semi and order a Chinese takeaway and go to the football with his dad - they aren't mutually exclusive!

Maybe they will stay together a long time and your son will learn a lot from them, maybe they'll get married and he will join the family business and also be wealthy.

Maybe they will date for a while and have a lot of fun before things end between them for some reason.

If your son is happy and enjoying spending time with her, she is nice and her family is nice then tell your husband to shut his pie hole. He can be as jealous or uncomfortable as he wants but do not let him say shit all to your son other than "she seems lovely, so glad you're happy."

It's a few days doing some new and interesting things in the company of new and interesting people, he can get through it just fine for his son.

Hr birthday was last week - he took her to the Paddington bear experience (her favourite movie) and out for dinner, he got her a keychain as the gift to unwrap. Apparently she loved it.
I follow them both on Instagram and their dates don't seem over the top or unaffordable, she is teaching him to play tennis and pickleball, they go to gigs and little restaurants which don't seem excessively expensive. Admittedly it is all done with her wearing designer clothes and tiffany jewellery but tbh DS bought himself a several thousand pound watch after his last exams and wears Ralph Lauren shirts more often than not - I don't think he looks too out of place.

She seems like a nice enough girl, doesn't seem to care too much about the money!

Tomorrow DS is spending the day with just us and DH wants to make it clear that we won't be engaging with the rest of the weeks activities as it "isn't for us" and he should cut his loses with this girl!!

This would be a sure fire way to make sure you push him away from you. They sound lovely-I’d tell your husband to go home and I’d see them all without it.

In my experience money imbalance usually becomes a bigger issue if the party with less of it is perceived as not even try to contribute financially/support themselves at all, and has become expectant/entitled about the higher earner wholly supporting them.
It doesn't sound like thats the case here, you mention your ds is doing well for himself.

Tbh I'd be more inclined to be snobby about her if she doesn't do a great deal career wise & just lives off family money.... your DS is the catch here if he's the one working hard and doing well for himself.

Your DH is clearly feeling very insecure. It's not for him to interfere in their relationship. Maybe if he really is so uncomfortable he could make his excuses and return home (sudden stomach bug?). But the rest of you should definitely enjoy the week!

Similar story here. My DH is older than me and from very working class background. Some of his family had similar reaction to your DH when it became apparent I was from a very different background. It’s been twenty years of a very happy marriage for us but he no longer speaks to family members as he grew weary of their narrative that I must have “trapped” him. Your DH needs to think carefully here.