To ask how to get my ex back?

[kethy2]

Please don’t say things like I’d never get back together with my ex. I actually want advice here…

We broke up 12 months ago after being in a long term relationship (just shy of 10 years)

I miss him, like really miss him. I got on with my life and reflected and I made a lot of mistakes. So did he in all honesty, but I’m just as much the culprit.

We have been on and off contact since we broke up. But genuinely in good terms… I wish we did no contact but it’s too late now. He is in a newish relationship but I would like to reconcile. I think currently he is excited for his new connection but I don’t see it working out in the long run ( that’s my honest opinion but I could be totally wrong) I’ve been emotional, one could say clingy since we broke up but only when we saw each other which was maybe every 3 months or so. Much better to keep my emotions on order when I’m not seeing him in person.

the thing is , I love him, I care for him, he is a great guy. He needs to work on things but there is sooo much potential if we could actually work things out. I really do believe in this. Any advice? XXX

Broken relationships can make you lose you so much- but don't lose your dignity!
If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He's not held back by some witch's curse or mountains between you - he's with someone else.

Get some therapy and concentrate on YOU. Why are you wasting so much precious time?

Move on and be single whilst you get some therapy to help you with the issues you have identified. Then see how you feel about things.

Maybe you're right, maybe his new relationship won't work out, but what's the plan? Sit around waiting for him in the hope that IF it doesn't work out he will decide he wants you again?

How long you going to wait, a year or two? longer?

If he wanted you he would be with you but he's dating someone else instead and according to you he's excited about it. You need to go NC with this man and start moving forwards with your life. It didn't work out, you'll miss him sometimes but there are better things out there for you. Someone it WILL work with.

Every relationship that ends "could" have been fixed in retrospect but it's not that simple. Most people take the things they could or should have done into their next relationship - so he (and hopefully you) will learn to communicate better with your next partners. Alternatively you will both find someone you're more compatible with, someone who's on the same communication wavelength as you. This is not a reason to try again in something that's firmly over.

He had the option to work on the relationship or break up, and he chose to break up.

He had nine months when you were both single and in amicable contact with each other, and he didn't make any moves to get back together.

Now he's in a happy new relationship.

You could always lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel but the answer will be exactly what it has been for the past year - no.

Op please move on

I remained in contact with an ex as I felt a mixture of missing them and guilt I cared for them that they were hurting but to be honest once in another relationship these feelings faded and I soon found it suffocating

walk away with your self respect if he doesn’t really know how you feel know then there was something very wrong in your relationship in the first place

Kindly, that isn't the point. Even if they don't work out (and it's only your opinion that they won't) that doesn't mean that he and you would then magically become a couple. Even the fact that he is 'excited' to be with someone else should tell you what you need to know. He has moved on, and you need to do so as well, for your own happiness.

I really don’t think that is your call. It sounds to me that it’s taken him to start a new relationship for you to want to get back? It’s really hard to move on from relationships OP but you can’t force him and it sounds to me like he is moving on? Can you find focus on YOU and look for a different future? I know it’s horrible and you’re hurting but you can’t make assumptions about his new situation etc.

Please move on. You're not being fair on him or yourself.

You're quite deluded if you think he'll come running back when he's in a relationship with another woman. You broke up for a reason, if there was a chance you'd of gotten back together by now after 12 months.

Sorry op but he clearly doesn't have the same feelings for you.
If he did he would have been back it's been 12 months.
You need to except it and move on leave him alone.
You do come across as a bit of hard work and tiny bit deluded and jealous.
It's over now except he as moved on and you should to.
Your chasing the past let it go.

Ffs op it's clear the man don't want you he's moved on.
Jealously will get you no where.
He ain't coming back.
Time to move on.

I don't think you can get him back sorry.

You gave him an ultimatum, work on the relationship / communication or split up. He actually chose to split up, which shows he doesn't want to change.

What do you think would be different going forward? What has changed? How realistic do you think it is that he will suddenly improve his self awareness and find the motivation to put the effort in to understanding himself and find the effort required to actually change (eg through counselling)

If he has started seeing someone else I'd say he has properly moved on. If you've got emotional when you've seen him, he probably knows that you still had strong feelings - why hasn't he done anything to rekindle the relationship or work on his faults before now?

Does he agree he has his faults and does he want to work on them to make a relationship with you work? If not then you’re wasting your time.

is it the new relationship that’s spurring you on?

I think you’re saying what you hope really. And you’re clearly jealous he’s moved on.

you can only tell him, but I strongly suspect he will thank you and say he will think about it to be polite then say no.

Why is he a twat? He's moved on from a failed relationship and is optimistic about his new relationship. There's nothing twattish about that.

I've just seen your follow-up post...

Dont,
No good will come if it.

What is the age gap you mention?

You need to go no contact now.

Its not an option to get back with him when he is in a new relationship.

Nay nay and thrice nay

Sorry op, but I think you are being what my teenage niece would call delulu.

You gave him the option to work on your relationship, he didn’t choose it, he chose to break up. He’s not going to start putting effort in now when he’s feeling loved up and excited about a new relationship. Stop contact and work on yourself, so that the next relationship you have is less likely to run into problems.

I'll be honest and say I really don't see this working OP, I'm sorry :( I think if he had wanted to get back with you then he would have by now. However, and here's the thing because you have nothing to lose: talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Then let him see what he wants to do but put a time limit on it - say 2 weeks. He comes back to you within 2 weeks to say what he wants to do and if its a no then you go cold turkey and move on completely.

Having had some experience o this, I am reminded of the Chinese proverb which teaches that a man can't walk through the same river twice.... it's not the same man and it's not the same river. However imperceptibly or otherwise, you've both changed. If you have children, let the relationship be a happy, friendly co-parenting relationship, if possible. Look after you, respect yourself enough to realise that if he really still cared in the same way, you would know by now.

I made this mistake and it was costly. Never again.

He's moved on. You're deluding yourself by pretending he hasn't. If he'd wanted to he'd have gotten back together with you at some point in the last year.

It's time for you to do the same, you're only going to keep hurting yourself otherwise.

Red flags just look like flags when you’re wearing rose tinted glasses.