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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Insufferable situation with DP

62 replies

DaisyG20 · 19/06/2024 18:46

NC for this.

I've been with my partner for nearly 7 years, we got together when my DD was 3 and we've since had 2 more children DS5 and DS7weeks.

Over the last 3-4 years I've felt like he completely sat back and left everything to me. He's become lazy, selfish, moody, miserable and it's got to the point I can't stand the sight of him. Not helped by the fact he lost his job just before I had baby in April, and no sign of getting another job. So I'm currently paying for everything out of my mat leave and savings. He has no income coming in at all but is borrowing money for his essentials from his parents. He says he's enjoying being off with the kids as he's always worked full time and missed out on our older DS being newborn as he worked full time. When he was working, I was still doing all the life admin and covering kids illness etc as he’d never come out of work for emergencies.

All he does, all day, is sit and play Xbox games. He picks up the older 2 from school and that's it, he avoids doing anything for the baby and becomes visibly anxious if he's left with the baby as he only settled for me and he doesn't like his gaming interrupted.

I know people will say this is my fault for having another baby, but he was contributing at the time and i didn't foresee him losing his job and laying about all day. He never leaves the house, has no friends, no money, doesn't drive, cba doing anything with the kids so I feel like I have 4 kids.

I desperately want to end things, but I'm suffering with postpartum anxiety and struggling myself so I feel like I'm just keeping the peace at the moment so I have help, I've mentally told myself I'll end it once the baby is a bit older but I can't wait that long and feel like I'm close to exploding.

We're on completely different paths in life, and he's dragging me down. He has nowhere to go if he leaves which makes me feel guilty and I'm worried about what the kids will think. Nor do I think he will leave, we've had this conversation many times and he promises change that never comes. I know I'm spineless.

Has anyone got any advice? My heads a mess and I'm highly emotional so may not be thinking clearly but I don't know how much more I can take, I may be causing myself more stress

OP posts:

BookArt · 19/06/2024 19:26

Did you feel this way before baby arrived?
I say this knowing that for many women our hormones wreak havoc on us post baby so wouldn't want you to make a snap decision that you might later regret.

Do you love him?

My short answer from what you've described is get rid. You've explained your concerns before and he hasn't made the changes necessary. He's selfish. You deserve better.

I would suggest going to your gp and asking fir counselling. As your a new mum you are usually fast tracked. It will give you the opportunity to discuss this in a safe environment and to work through it to reach the right decision in a healthy way.

I was in a a similar situation as you with a newborn and stayed as I had anxiety and didn't know if I was doing the right thing. Wish I'd left then, instead I waited two years and everything became way worse. It sounds like you know the answer for what you need to feel better.

Catza · 19/06/2024 19:38

I wouldn’t worry about the fact that he has nowhere to go. Your kids are too little to think anything of it and it sounds like he has parents who are happy to bail them out. From what you are describing, he sounds like a dead weight. Gamer with no friends, what could possibly attract you to him in the first place? You know it won’t get better. Might as well cut him loose now.

peachgreen · 19/06/2024 19:40

Personally I’d go back to work early and tell him that until he gets a job, everything child and baby related is down to him. That’ll soon change his tune.

DaisyChain505 · 19/06/2024 19:42

Have a hard straight to the point chat with him telling him exactly what you’ve just written here and he needs to pull his head out of the sand and either get a job asap or you will go back to work and he’ll be in charge of kids.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/06/2024 19:42

peachgreen · 19/06/2024 19:40

Personally I’d go back to work early and tell him that until he gets a job, everything child and baby related is down to him. That’ll soon change his tune.

This. With bells on. When does your money run out?

jeaux90 · 19/06/2024 19:44

Whose name is the house in?

jeaux90 · 19/06/2024 19:45

peachgreen · 19/06/2024 19:40

Personally I’d go back to work early and tell him that until he gets a job, everything child and baby related is down to him. That’ll soon change his tune.

And this

stillhome · 19/06/2024 19:51

Why would you punish the children by leaving him in charge? Talk to him OP.

SheddingCat · 19/06/2024 19:53

He needs to get a job. All this ‘i’ve missed out cause i was working etc’ bs is just an excuse to continue doing fuck all every day. Lets face it, it’s not like he is super involved with kids now that he has all time in the world, is he.
He’s essentially become a cocklodger with a bunch of excuses whilst you do it all. A 4th child.
Could you set a deadline, e.g. 4 months for him to find a job and get his shit together or it’s over? Would you be able to cope on yoir own financially? Silly question perhaps as you are coping essentially alone as it is.

The fact he’s got nowhere to go is his problem. He’ll have to get a job and manage like an adult.

House4DS · 19/06/2024 20:05

@DaisyG20
You say you are struggling yourself at the moment due to postpartum anxiety.
Are you sure? If he was out of the equation would you be feeling the same? Is the situation causing how you are feeling?

Could he stay with his parents for a few days to give you some head space?

Mnetcurious · 19/06/2024 20:33

This sounds really difficult for you, and having a newborn is hard enough on its own. Sounds like it’s time for a conversation that makes him realise it’s “make or break” time. Issue an ultimatum that if things don’t improve, you will have no choice but to end the relationship. You can’t be expected to put up with this.

Mnetcurious · 19/06/2024 20:34

Ps “he's always worked full time and missed out on our older DS being newborn as he worked full time” - welcome to the reality of almost every dad in the country!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2024 20:38

Do you have any other supports, OP?

INeedAnotherName · 19/06/2024 20:38

You are calling him partner so that means your finances are separate. Whose house is it? If it's yours, or the rental is in your name, you can legally kick him out tomorrow. Not your problem if he has nowhere to go. Please tell me it's your house..

Oceancolorseen · 19/06/2024 20:41

“Personally I’d go back to work early and tell him that until he gets a job, everything child and baby related is down to him. That’ll soon change his tune.”

PLEASE Don’t do this. He’ll be the primary carer, are you married? Do you want to pay him child support and see your children less if you split?? Didn’t think so. Do not go back to full time work and leave the children with him. He’ll do nothing all day. Poor kids! Stay at home Dad arrangement can work if you are solid and respect each other. Doesn’t sound like you and he.
Bin him, he has his parents to go to.

GabriellaMontez · 19/06/2024 20:41

I can't stand the sight of him

How long have you felt like this?

Gingernaut · 19/06/2024 20:43

He has nowhere to go if he leaves

His parents are bankrolling the lazy git, he can go there for starters

AquaFurball · 19/06/2024 20:48

You are completely unreasonable for considering letting this continue.

Incredibly difficult to have a newborn and two older kids on your own but you already know this because other than picking up the older two from school, you are doing it all alone and paying for it.

Do yourself a big favour and get rid of him. He will still need to pay child support, won't be much if he's only claiming universal credit but at least you can get some help by being a single parent, even if it's just discount for council tax.

LizzieBennett73 · 19/06/2024 20:51

I'd be taking a hammer to his X box, or selling it. I'd not have any respect for a man child playing games and ignoring his kids.

It won't get better, OP. At least with him gone you'd have one less mouth to feed and your electricity bill would probably halve.

MissUltraViolet · 19/06/2024 20:57

You're already doing everything yourself so you know you've got this. Picking the kids up from school is the only extra thing you'll need to do but I bet that is nothing when you'll have one less extra man (child) to deal with in the house - you'll probably find everything is much easier.

Bit scary and overwhelming at first but you'll be so much better off.

If his mum is helping to pay for him to sit at home and play video games all day then I am sure she will let him move back in and do it in her house. Ain't your problem regardless, grown man can go figure it out himself.

Carebearsonmybed · 19/06/2024 21:01

Did he have no savings? No redundancy pay?

You might as well be a single parent.

Original poster

DaisyG20 · 19/06/2024 21:39

House is private rented, jointly in our names. I have savings, always thought it's important to save but he has no savings.

He has no ambition at all, he's happy how things are ie we never go on holiday, he won't learn to drive, doesn't want a career, he's just existing and it's dragging me down. He never even asked if it's ok with me paying for everything whilst he gets a job, he's just done it!

It's making me anxious having him just sat there all day doing nothing, won't even take the baby out in his pram whilst I have a break. I don't know how you can sit playing games all day. We're together 24/7, I feel I have to rush back when I go out as the baby won't settle for him as he never does anything for him so he's attached to me.

I'll have to bring it up this week, we've had similar conversations and things somewhat change but I feel like I have to tell him what to do, how to sort the baby, tell him he needs feeding, to look for jobs etc there's no common sense or initiative. He moved from his mums in with me, I've told him in the past he's used to his arse being wiped and has no idea how to be an adult.

OP posts:

Original poster

DaisyG20 · 19/06/2024 21:41

He got 2.3k pay in leiu of notice. Blew it all. I feel like I tolerate it all for the kids sake, guilt cos he has nothing, he makes me feel guilty and turns it on me if I take issue with what he does

OP posts:

KTheGrey · 19/06/2024 21:55

He blew his severance pay when you were just about to have or had just had a baby? I have a feeling that he lost his job because he was not that keen on it. He has to go home to his mother now. You won't get a bean from him in CM but will be less expensive to look after three children than four.

GoneFishingToday · 19/06/2024 22:02

A couple more questions for your OP, first of all, what sort of work was he made redundant from? Do his parents know that he had £2.3k redundancy money, and that he squandered it, if so what do they think about it? What did he spend that amount of money on?

I do think you were a bit silly going on and having a second child with this loser, but it's done now, and so we have to find a way for you to get rid of him. Do you have any other back up from your own family or friends? Also, how do you get on with his family, are they aware of the way he's treating you, and how do they feel about the fact that he's obviously not looking for work, and is just basically scrounging from you and them?

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