Insufferable situation with DP

[DaisyG20]

NC for this.

I've been with my partner for nearly 7 years, we got together when my DD was 3 and we've since had 2 more children DS5 and DS7weeks.

Over the last 3-4 years I've felt like he completely sat back and left everything to me. He's become lazy, selfish, moody, miserable and it's got to the point I can't stand the sight of him. Not helped by the fact he lost his job just before I had baby in April, and no sign of getting another job. So I'm currently paying for everything out of my mat leave and savings. He has no income coming in at all but is borrowing money for his essentials from his parents. He says he's enjoying being off with the kids as he's always worked full time and missed out on our older DS being newborn as he worked full time. When he was working, I was still doing all the life admin and covering kids illness etc as he’d never come out of work for emergencies.

All he does, all day, is sit and play Xbox games. He picks up the older 2 from school and that's it, he avoids doing anything for the baby and becomes visibly anxious if he's left with the baby as he only settled for me and he doesn't like his gaming interrupted.

I know people will say this is my fault for having another baby, but he was contributing at the time and i didn't foresee him losing his job and laying about all day. He never leaves the house, has no friends, no money, doesn't drive, cba doing anything with the kids so I feel like I have 4 kids.

I desperately want to end things, but I'm suffering with postpartum anxiety and struggling myself so I feel like I'm just keeping the peace at the moment so I have help, I've mentally told myself I'll end it once the baby is a bit older but I can't wait that long and feel like I'm close to exploding.

We're on completely different paths in life, and he's dragging me down. He has nowhere to go if he leaves which makes me feel guilty and I'm worried about what the kids will think. Nor do I think he will leave, we've had this conversation many times and he promises change that never comes. I know I'm spineless.

Has anyone got any advice? My heads a mess and I'm highly emotional so may not be thinking clearly but I don't know how much more I can take, I may be causing myself more stress

Tell him he needs to step up and be a father. What on earth does he think he's doing? If he can't manage it, then you're not prepared to mother a kidult. He's got 3 children that need taking care of and that shouldn't need pointing out to him.

You must be exhausted with worry.

He can go back to sitting at mummy’s and playing games all day. Where he goes is not for you to worry about and kids are young enough to adapt.

Surely having him slobbing about is contributing to how you feel? I’d rather be single and make my own way in life and have some ambition for me and my children’s quality of life than live a half life with him leeching offa my energy and savings.

he’s draining the life and savings out of you. Tell him it’s shape up and step up time or pack up and f* off time.

No more gaming. It’s honestly the death knell in so many relationships.

It is contributing to how I feel, I'm so anxious all the time and it's all on me. I'm basically a single parent when I have someone here who should be pulling his weight. He says he does help with the kids, as he has the older 2 sat playing games with him whilst I'm left with the baby. He doesn't want to come out as a family with us, says he doesn't like going out and he's a homebody. I can't believe I'm in such a situation, and how I'm such a doormat I've let him take the piss for so long. But he doesn't help his situation, he's not looking for jobs or making an effort to contribute, he says he will look when the baby is a bit older but he's not even helping out there so it's just purely so he can sit gaming instead of working.

It's how I have to ask him to do anything or the baby would be starving and in a dirty nappy, no clothes or food shopping done etc so I just don't bother asking anymore but then that suits him as it's more game time. I wanted to seek advice from you ladies as the way I'm feeling I'll explode and ir will be messy, so I'm trying to figure out how to say something and make it clear this is his final chance.

I am scared of being on my own with 3 kids, especially with a newborn. I do have family support and they're horrified at what's going on and want me to leave him. His mums just as bad as him, refuses to work even though she's fit and able and the sense of entitlement is unreal. Nothing he does is wrong, she's fully on his side and would take him back in a heartbeat. They have a very weird dynamic, but that's for another time. I'm NC with MIL anyway.

You've got family to support you OP, you need to tell him it's over and you're not supporting him/paying for everything whilst he plays on his Xbox all day. I know it's scary to think of managing two children and a baby but I promise you it will be easier without him. You will get I to a routine with school runs etc and it will be fine. You are doing all the work anyway, he is just dead weight.

Contact your landlord first and get the tenancy agreement changed into your name only. Explain he is leaving, because he is and you need to be sure you have security for 3 children. You're the one paying the rent anyway.

Make sure he's removed before you remove him. Get your family to help.

You are on your own with 3 kids already and it's him causing you stress and anxiety not the kids. You will find it so much easier without that stress. 🌼

So he's manipulative in addition to his many other character flaws. Sweetie, he's really just a cock lodger, not a partner. What do you have to lose by sending him back to his parents? They're enabling him by paying for his lazy lifestyle, so let them take him on full-time. Immediately secure your money in an account he can't access, then tell him it's over and he has to move out. Do it now, because the longer you are together, the greater his claim on your income will be.

And you seriously think a loser like this would step up? We've had plenty of threads from women in this situation but 5 to 10 years on. She's working FT and still doing everything at home, rhe dickhead "partner" is still sitting on his arse gaming, except he can now claim to be primary carer even though he isn't, and royally screw her over if she ever tries to extricate herself.

You need to kick him out OP - good riddance to bad rubbish. You'll be lots better off as a single parent - less work, less expenses, and you can probably get some benefits. Send this douchebag back to his mum's basement. (But seriously, you say he showed his true face a year or two after your older ds was born - why on earth go on to have another with him?)

OP, you say that you are ready to explode, so have at it! Tell him what a useless piece of shit he is. Presumably the money he's getting from his parents isn't paying the rent or the bills, so if that is the case, then tell him that you're no longer prepared to pay for the roof over his head, while he sits on his backside playing games all day, and that having only just given birth, it's his job to be out looking for paid employment in order to provide a roof over his family's heads. Tell him you will no longer put up with it, and it's time for him to go, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, say it like you MEAN IT!!

Can you get a family member to come round to back you up, as with your hormones still being all over the place, the likelihood is that you will just burst into tears and not be able to deal with any pathetic arguments that he brings forth. Better still, do you have a hefty male family member, or friend who will be able to, not only back up your arguments, but physically eject him if it's necessary?

I notice that you didn't answer my question about where the £2.3k went, is there a reason you don't want to share this information?

In summary, he's an absolutely useless partner, provider, and father, and you and your children will be far better off without him. Yes, you've allowed yourself to be made a mug of, but you CAN and MUST put a stop to it, for the sake of your mental health if nothing else, and the sooner you do, the better you'll feel. There is absolutely NO reason for you to feel guilty about kicking him out, it is HIM who should feel guilty for failing his partner and children so spectacularly!

I do have family support and they're horrified at what's going on and want me to leave him.

Well listen. To us, to them. You will be single, I can completely guarantee it. You just have to decide if it's now, or you'll drag on for a couple of years.

He's had his last chance. Just pull the chain and flush this one.

As a lone parent let me tell you life is actually easier without a useless man baby in it.

You don't need to give him the final chance, you gave him plenty already. He needs to go. You say you are scared being alone with three kids but you are alone, except you have three young kids and one man child.
I saw something on Facebook the other day which I wish I saved. It was a post from a man who said that his wife asked him to move out of the family home and he was struggling to look after himself and having his kids 50/50 (3 kids also) so he though his wife must be struggling too, went back and asked to reconcile. And when he did, he saw his wife relaxed and happy. And there were comments that really put it into perspective. Before, the wife had 4 people to look after. Now he is gone and she only has her kids 50% of the time so her workload reduced by 3/4. Just think about it this way.
Even if he doesn't see his kids, you workload is still going to be 1/4 less.

Cancel the broadband contract. You can't afford it and it will stop his gaming.

He bought a crib, bottles and steriliser for the baby. And then the rest of the money went on guitars he doesn't use, takeaway, games, a VR headset. I asked him not to blow it as he no longer has a job, but he can't manage money at all as he's never had to. Me or his family have always had his back. When I read back on my comments I can't believe I've tolerated this for so long, seeing it written down is eye opening.

I haven't been happy for a long time, but I think what's kept me here is worrying about the effect on the kids and not being sure he'd bother with them. At the moment, he's the cool dad who plays games with them and stays up late watching films and I feel like they'd resent me. My older son is autistic and massively into his games and he can't handle change, so his dad moving out will most likely upset him.

I've just dropped the kids at school and I'm going to my parents with the baby for a while, I need some space away from him I can't stand watching him sat playing games day in day out. I need to get my affairs in order, starting with contacting the estate agents to remove him off the tenancy. Luckily our finances are separate as he's so bad with money, luckily I had the common sense not to join finances. He knows something is coming as he says I barely speak to him and distant. I'm going to see if one of my parents can have the kids for tea whilst I talk to him, the way I'm feeling I want him gone tonight.

How dare he leech off me like this.

He sounds awful and you need to get rid of him. Sorry you’ve put up with so much but you can’t continue like this.

If you pay for the Wi-fi (I’m assuming you do as you’re bankrolling this loser) then change the password. Don’t make him any good, wash his clothes etc. It will be easier for you if he goes running back to his mummy. He’s acting like a child so treat him that way.

At the moment, he's the cool dad who plays games with them and stays up late watching films and I feel like they'd resent me.

Why? He can still be the cool dad playing games on his 50% but just in a different house. This man is adding nothing to your life but he is certainly taking away a lot from it. Financially, physically (food etc), mentally AND emotionally. He is sucking you dry. Speak to your LL and then kick him out. Don't listen to his promises of how it will all be different if he can come back - it won't.

How dare he leech off me like this

👏👏👏

Good for you @DaisyG20 anger is an energy! Get him gone. Back to mummy and she can wipe his arse.

The only good bit is that his mum will.have him back straight away.

Hope he can be with her by tonight.

Sounds like it will be a huge relief.

Stay strong OP 🤗

Take that anger and roll with it. You deserve so much better.

Oh I feel for you, OP.

My husband was unemployed when our daughter was born. His long term contract had come to an end and he was looking to change direction but didn't know how. He did full time childcare for our eldest for a couple of months, then applied for a few jobs and had some disappointing setbacks, then our daughter was born and the job search went on the back burner for a bit. It all came to a head when she was a couple of months old and he wasn't applying for jobs and I started to get very anxious and depressed about the situation. We had a couple of blazing rows and I helped him a lot with CVs and interview prep and then he got something just before his severance pay ran out. It was a stressful time.

But the difference is that he was bringing in money (big severance package which was paid over 8 months), and he was incredibly hands on with the kids and the house in that time.

You just sound completely alone trying to raise three kids with an adult baby along for the ride. He isn't contributing anything. He isn't looking for a job. He's happy to let you pay for everything.

You're in a very vulnerable position with three children including a newborn, but I think it is time to give your partner an ultimatum. Pull yourself together, look for a job, do your fair share at home, or fuck off back to mummy.

I'm not sure you'll be able to remove him from the tenancy if you are joint tenants - I was told I couldn't when my landlord mistook my contract for being joint, but luckily my ex was only a permitted occupier (his credit was terrible so they wouldn't put him on there). You might be better off trying to break the lease and absorbing the costs that come with it, possibly a couple grand. He sounds like a piece of work though, men who have a mask and then it slips, and they do shit like this. I really feel for you, from what you've said you should be leaving him. You'll have more money and be better off anyway, and will do grand as a single mum. You're basically a single mum already with an extra mouth to monitor (his). Reach out to people close to you so you can share the burden of stress. You'll be happier without him once the initial emotions settle down.

She might not be able to remove him from the tenancy but it's still worth talking to the LL as they will might have the problem of him possibly squatting if she leaves. Much better to see if they will come to a compromise in her favour first (as the rent payer) - although if she has a rolling contract they might tell him they won't renew the joint tenancy. Always worth a chat first.

Good luck OP. Keep hold of that anger.

Glad you’ve posted and had such great support. Embrace your anger, lean on your parents and imagine how wonderful life will be once he’s not a stone around your neck. If he doesn’t bother with the kids once you’ve dumped him that is not your fault or responsibility. It’s all on him. He had every opportunity to be the partner to you and the dad to the kids you all deserve. He’s blown it because he’s pathetic. Stay strong and crack on with getting rid of him. You’ve got a lot of posters on here supporting you.

That would be an illegal eviction by the landlord.