Insufferable situation with DP

[DaisyG20]

NC for this.

I've been with my partner for nearly 7 years, we got together when my DD was 3 and we've since had 2 more children DS5 and DS7weeks.

Over the last 3-4 years I've felt like he completely sat back and left everything to me. He's become lazy, selfish, moody, miserable and it's got to the point I can't stand the sight of him. Not helped by the fact he lost his job just before I had baby in April, and no sign of getting another job. So I'm currently paying for everything out of my mat leave and savings. He has no income coming in at all but is borrowing money for his essentials from his parents. He says he's enjoying being off with the kids as he's always worked full time and missed out on our older DS being newborn as he worked full time. When he was working, I was still doing all the life admin and covering kids illness etc as he’d never come out of work for emergencies.

All he does, all day, is sit and play Xbox games. He picks up the older 2 from school and that's it, he avoids doing anything for the baby and becomes visibly anxious if he's left with the baby as he only settled for me and he doesn't like his gaming interrupted.

I know people will say this is my fault for having another baby, but he was contributing at the time and i didn't foresee him losing his job and laying about all day. He never leaves the house, has no friends, no money, doesn't drive, cba doing anything with the kids so I feel like I have 4 kids.

I desperately want to end things, but I'm suffering with postpartum anxiety and struggling myself so I feel like I'm just keeping the peace at the moment so I have help, I've mentally told myself I'll end it once the baby is a bit older but I can't wait that long and feel like I'm close to exploding.

We're on completely different paths in life, and he's dragging me down. He has nowhere to go if he leaves which makes me feel guilty and I'm worried about what the kids will think. Nor do I think he will leave, we've had this conversation many times and he promises change that never comes. I know I'm spineless.

Has anyone got any advice? My heads a mess and I'm highly emotional so may not be thinking clearly but I don't know how much more I can take, I may be causing myself more stress

Is he claiming UC? He needs to contribute to the household in some way. Perhaps he can sell his gaming gear to pay bills?

Op can give notice providing its outside the fixed term. That would be sufficient to end the tenancy. The landlord could then agree a sole tenancy. I doubt a landlord would get involved. It would not be a good idea, and I certainly wouldn't, unless there is dv.

Tell him you hate him and you want him to leave. That will give you an amswer.

Please leave him (I know that's easier said that done).

The more you stay with him the more he will claim he's resident parent and want to keep child benefit and UC payments.

He contributes nothing. Tell him to get the fuck out and stop sponging off you and the kids.

She can surrender the tenancy and get a new one in her name, if the Landlord agrees. A joint tenancy can be severed by one person and it will end for everyone. She can serve notice on him to sever the tenancy, whether he agrees or not. She may also need to go to court.

Like I said speak to Landlord, get him removed from tenancy before kicking him out.

See my post above!

Apologies if this has already been said but your Health Visitor can be a really good source of support for you. Sending love x

No way!!! You cannot rely on him not to neglect the children

I was all prepared to say maybe he's depressed etc before the bit about blowing his redundancy. That's just childish.

In your shoes I'd make plans, sort tenancy etc then boot him out when it suits you, maybe when your postnatal issues have levelled out a bit. Not because you'll see things differently but because it seems like extra stress you don't need.

Talk to your family about what you're planning, you might need their help and support.

Just seen the date on the original post. How are things going OP?

I totally sympathise about that feeling u got about his behaviour financially but immaturity can make us blind to these areas. Although it may be true that he has been spoiled by his mum that can be just as life damaging as strictness because he is in danger of losing the adult life he does have over essentially his character flaw. I would try and say to myself - I'm going to treat us both as needing help with the depression factor, because although it looks like he is enjoying doing little he may just be depressed. Right now you have a second adult in the house and picking up children at school is a huge deal because it can't be flexible and it's literally child-safety. Financial stress makes us relate to each other in negative ways. You are the expert on your partner here. You can ignore how others see him and instead try a Hobson's Choice (it's a very old film) option. Only you know what's best for you but if you think about it he is not ambitious can mean he is relaxing to be around? Could you watch a game or two with him and go with that and seek him out emotionally? Praise his looks. Just a little bit. Make sure he is not suicidal. He is not a 'cocklodger' he is your guy and you and he made two children together - many an 'ambitious man' can nag woman to go out and buy the correct ingredients for meal to impress visitors - layabout is not all bad! He's guarding the homestead. Also: Relate could be a place for you both to talk things through - don't be having hard talks at home. U r both new mum and dad and presumably he's been an ok step dad to your first dad. I may be wrong but I sense you have as your main enemies depression and tiredness and finances. Try a little strategy and be telling him how you love that you can count on him to always be there. That's what I'd try anyway with a weather-eye on what his and your children need of course. Continuity and close contact with him is a good thing. If a person is a young depressed father who's never been guided to how to adult, they are never deserving of insulting terms (even if we might think than in our stressed moments). Also - access days for him seeing your shared children where u do be able to prevent them being taken out with his future possible new partner and/,or child(ren)plus single-parenting (which I'm sure u would cope with)but it is a lot for children to get their self esteem round ie something to avoid? Hope my cents worth helps. Hope u feel happier soon.