Not asked to be a bridesmaid but expected to plan the hen?

[Ginspirational]

SIL hasn’t asked me to be a bridesmaid. That’s fine. She was one of mine, but I accept she has more friends and so I didn’t make the cut, I am not upset by that.

HOWEVER. I have been asked (indirectly, by MIL but apparently at request of the bride to be) to plan the hen do.. I admit I love organising events and did her baby shower, which was really lovely but AIBU to say no to this?! I thought it was down to MoH to plan these things but apparently everyone thought I would do a much better job.. but I haven’t made it into the bridal party.

Er… yeah that’s taking the piss!

That’s an easy pass - cheeky mare, lol.

Can you just say 'I think the maid of honour and bridesmaids will probably be expecting to do that!'

Oh, no, I couldn't! Think how upset the bridal party would be, if some outsider would take it over like that? Yes they might say they don't mind, they would really!

Just say you're not up for organising tedious hen dos.

Sounds like she didn't want you to be left out.

She should have asked herself though so for that reason l would politely decline.

‘No, that’s a job for the bridal party’. End of discussion.

That is actually really rude and presumptuous.

If I was close to her I wouldn't mind doing it so much, but I'm not a big fan of being a bridesmaid, I've done it once and that was enough.

That is so cheeky of Bride. Don’t do it. Organising a baby shower is easy. Hen does are a nightmare.

Say this! But why wouldn't you want to take responsibility for organising everything, gathering money, paying up front for things?.
Sounds such fun!! 🙄

I think the work behind it is why they want me to do it.. they are all the quiet type and none of them take ‘charge’ as it were. The only reason I did the baby shower was because due date was looming, nobody had said anything and I knew she wanted one. Bloody annoying though.. I might just say I’ll leave this one up to the bridal party to organise, as I don’t want to step on toes!

YANBU to say no, but you seem to have reasoned out and accepted SIL's reasons for not having you in the bridal party - so maybe don't let that be the reason. Tbh if you're really good at planning events I can see why they've asked you! - but you don't need to agree to anything you don't want to do.

Yeah keep it breezy and flip it back like you’re being considerate like “oh no, I’d hate to offend the maid of honour! But I’m so excited to see what they come up with…. And swiftly move the conversation on… did SIL have any more thoughts on the flowers etc…”

It’s quite poor taste to expect you to do the dirty work and running about without recognising you as “making the cut” in the actual day.

Just. Say. No.

@Brefugee self confessed people pleaser unfortunately..

Maybe SIL doesn't know that MIL has asked you! If she does know that not only did she not ask you to be bridesmaid, she couldn't even come to you to ask you to help her out.

Nah - Definitely not your job. You get to enjoy the fun bits of the hen and wedding planning. Turning up as a guest and not having to do anything other than smile for photos.

Is they've already got a baby together, she's hardly a 'hen' anyway...

We'll roll your sleeves up and say yes then. 🤷🏻‍♀️ honestly op you need to be polite but firm otherwise you're going to get stuck with organising the whole thing.

Yep think I’m going to have to just say no this time or else I’ll be roped into everything forevermore!

People pleasers can start saying no anytime, might as well start with this OP! Just say 'no thanks, I'll let someone else take that that one' and leave it at that. Not being asked to be a bridesmaid but being asked to organise an event is just cheeky fuckery. You go along with this you'll get asked to organise all kinds of bits and pieces for the wedding.

Wow. So, is her marriage less than other people’s? Because they had a baby first. Should she not get to enjoy all the same celebrations as all the lovely virgin brides out there? (Thought I’d wager almost none of them are virgins).

Do you judge men like this? Or just women?

Fuck that. Cheeky cow.

Big fat NOPE from me. They are taking the absolute piss.

No. That's it.

Def say no. I find people appreciate and respect you a lot more if you're not quite so available. Since she hasn't actually asked you directly, you don't really need to do anything. MIL may bring it up, and your line of 'not wanting to step on bridal party's toes' is a really good one. She can't deny that you didn't make the cut and will be embarrassed (hopefully) enough to STFU