Not asked to be a bridesmaid but expected to plan the hen?

[Ginspirational]

SIL hasn’t asked me to be a bridesmaid. That’s fine. She was one of mine, but I accept she has more friends and so I didn’t make the cut, I am not upset by that.

HOWEVER. I have been asked (indirectly, by MIL but apparently at request of the bride to be) to plan the hen do.. I admit I love organising events and did her baby shower, which was really lovely but AIBU to say no to this?! I thought it was down to MoH to plan these things but apparently everyone thought I would do a much better job.. but I haven’t made it into the bridal party.

Did someone hit a nerve?

Nah. Not your job!

So stop. Practice on her.

Or do it with good grace if you can't say no

Don’t be a doormat, OP, she’s taking it for granted that you’ll do it. Cheeky bint!

Obvious answer is no. What an absolute headache that would be! And so cheeky!

I do have a friend who got married recently and she had shit bridesmaids. Bride picked women who she knew 1) didn't get along and 2) were notoriously terrible at planning. And she left out the one really good friend who is great at organising stuff! Hen do was a shit show.

Do not touch this hen do with a barge pole.

Also when you say "no" don't make excuses, and don't use the word "sorry"

the answer is goodness no, I wouldn’t step on toes like that. I’ll leave that to the bridesmaids and moh. I agree with you totally that it is more fun not to be planning the wedding, and the way to do that is to not plan the hens.

Yanbu.

I would suggest you reply "No, it's someone elses turn to do the work this time"

Because if you phrase it as "the bridal party's job" the next thing that will happen is you being appointed "extra bridesmaid with special responsibility for Hen Do" - therefore part of the bridal party.

She has a bunch of friends closer to her than you are. If they are a bunch of useless dimwits who can't organise their way out of a wet paper bag that's really not your problem.

It would be a hard no from me. Bridesmaids aren’t just there to wear a pretty dress. They are meant to help the bride with ‘admin.’ Fucking cheek to expect you to do it because none of them can be arsed. If they want a hen party then they can start planning one.

Are you sure MIL is not using your good nature to plan a hen do and then pass off all your hard work as her own?

It sounds a bit suspect that MIL would ask you to do this, not SIL. I think declining and saying it would be treading on peoples toes is definitely the way to go.

That's definitely a job for the bridesmaids.

You’ve dodged a bullet. They sound awful. I know you’ve squared not being a bridesmaid in your head but that’s very hurtful, both to you and your husband. And it’s just rude to ask this of you. Your reply of no, that’s one for the bridal party is perfect.

I admit I love organising events and did her baby shower, which was really lovely
This doesn't indicate that you only did it because no one else did and it was 'bloody annoying'. Sounds more like you are a someone who does 'take charge' especially if you 'love organising events'. If you are known for this and clearly love doing it, I don't see anything wrong with them asking you. May well be a way to include you (asking you to do something you love) and, honestly, it sounds like you are not ok with not being a bridesmaid and don't really like your SIL and/or are still resentful over it.

But, you are absolutely fine to say no if you don't want to do it.

The whole 'hen' thing is naff anyway 🤷‍♀️

So sil wants to treat you like a hired help but an unpaid one?

hard pass

’ill leave that honour to the MoH and the bridesmaids’

A flat no this time and for anything else, a no @Ginspirational unless bride asks and even then, only if you want to.

Wait until bride outright asks you then simply say 'No, this is traditionally the maid of honours job so xxx will have to do it.'

If she says that you'd do a better job then reply with 'Well I'm not in the bridal party but I am certain your girls can pull a good do together between them'.

Tell mil that this isn’t your job. It is the maid of honours job.

Sil has already chosen her MOH so she needs to direct this question towards that woman not you.

The hen do has nothing to do with you beyond turning up and taking part

Yeah I had the sort of bridesmaids that didn't want to organise things so I planned it myself instead! I think it is unreasonable for them to ask you to do this though I think your answer about not stepping on toes is correct. If I was a bridesmaid and someone else was planning the hen I'd feel a bit like they had low expectations of me

Cheeky fuckers! I’d definitely use the line “It’s someone else’s turn to do the work this time!”

I’d be careful about mentioning you’re not in the bridal party because they’ll add you to it just to get you to take over.

This OP was a month ago-has anything more been said, @Ginspirational ?