Leaving child behind on trip

[yorkie825]

DD finishes her exams this week and I had planned to take her and her younger brother to Alton Towers as a treat. It was only discussed a couple of days ago so not been a long term plan.

I have contacted by school today about my DS (14) being unkind repeatable to another child in PE and is not the first time. I really can’t abide people being unkind and I have brought my children up to be kind and considerate.

DS is on the pathway for ADHD assessment and so has support in school, the main issues he has is lack of concentration and disturbing classes as he is loud and and shouts the answers out before other kids get a chance, we haven’t had report about being unkind for a long time.

I think his actions should be addressed , as I feel his ADHD pathway shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behaviour, and he should receive a consequence. Bearing in mind this kind of behaviour is atypical for him. The trip to Alton Towers was suppose to be a big treat. AIBU if he stays at home with my BH/Dad, who isn’t coming anyway as it is not his thing.

Please help and no judgement please.

YANBU. Shouting out is one thing, being unkind is another. He’s old enough to understand the consequences. Well done for addressing it head on, OP.

I'd take him. It's not as if leaving him at home is actually going to make a difference to whether he is kind or not in the future, particularly if he has ADHD. Instead, I think it would be more productive to have some conversations with him to understand what led to the unkind behaviour, what he might do in the future to avoid doing what he did and work with the school to improve the relationship between him & his peers.

I wouldn’t leave him no. It’s mean. School issues should be dealt with promptly and finalised.

I think if you're going this weekend, then yes that can be his consequence. If alton towers is weeks away then it's harsh to hold that consequence for long.

I agree with giving a consequence at home too, you are supporting school and making sure your child knows it is unacceptable.

When is the trip?

If it's this weekend, YANBU, but if it's not until the summer holidays then I would give him a chance to "earn" it back with good behaviour.

The thing is, you want him to be kind because he's thinking about how others might feel, not because you might take a treat away from him of he isn't. So taking the trip away doesn't make sense. It won't turn him into a kind adult because when he's an adult you won't be able to take things like this away. I would be looking at connecting and trying to understand why he is behaving this way and encouraging him to think about how the other child might feel.

ADHD generally means incredibly low impulse control. Missing out on the trip will upset him but it’s very unlikely to make him do any better in future.

However, for me, it would depend end what he actually did- and how much that had been taught before. if it was a particularly bad thing and/or something that was being worked on, then that’s incredibly different to if it was an offhand comment, a misjudged joke or a retaliation of some sort. Those things would need tackling completely differently.

I salute you for parenting your child, which is a rarity these days!

I don't know what he did exactly. "Being unkind" sounds mild and banning him from the trip a bit harsh.

It honestly depends on the gravity of his actions, maybe another punishment? It's impossible to reply without knowing what he did exactly.

I'm generally not a huge fan of big dramatic punishments, but actually, if the unkind behaviour is to the point of a phone call home, I don't think I'd take him on a big treat soon after.

I would sit down and try to get to the bottom of what's going on though, why that kid, why PE etc.

Sounds proportionate to me.

Exactly this.

What does 'unkind' mean?

This, also what happened in the instance of unkindness?

Was it genuine methodical planning sort of unkindness, or was it more something was done/said on impulse?

If the former, then I agree there should be consequences but if it's the latter then you need to develop systems and routines to help him identify points of contention caused by his disability but in a way that doesn't always place him at fault as it's not something he can control.

DS might be 14 but there's a lot of emerging evidence that says if you have ADHD your emotional literacy age and impulse control centre of the brain are less developed and are closer to someone much younger.

So I don't know what it was that he did but if it's something he cannot help because he has a disability, then rather than punishing him you should be guiding him and teaching him to make better choices, as often as it takes.

He has impulse control issues, the 'unkind' behaviour is atypical for him, and it sounds like the school are dealing with it.

I think it would be shitty to leave him behind; how hard he must be working every day to focus in school and behave well. And he gets it wrong once and his big end of term treat is over?

Nah.

need to know more about " unkind" and the history. It must have been bad to get a call.

The trip should be about your DD surely? Maybe she'd be happier to have a nice day out with a friend there instead of her brother.

I think there really has to be a warning before a big punishment like that. Tell him if you hear anything about him being unkind between now and then then he won't be going.

More context needed regarding the way in which he was unkind.
Being "unkind" could be linked to his difficulty with impulse control, but it could equally be unrelated. Whatever the reason it needs dealing with, but I'd say that how that is done depends a lot on his thought process behind the behaviour.

And to be honest, a celebration which is really for your daughter, and only been on the cards for a couple of days is different to taking away something specifically for him that he's been looking forward to for weeks.

Could you take him but remove some privileges like choosing the rides, for example? No gifts or arcade games at the resort? Perhaps let your daughter make all the decisions on the itinerary, rides, the music in the car, the food you have etc? And explain that it is a punishment for his bad behaviour? Sorry that might be quite a silly or childish idea, I was trying to think of a middle ground.
Sounds like a hard time for you OP hope you end up having a nice day out whatever you decide.

It’s very mean indeed.He has problems, you know that and cannot always help himself.
Address his behaviour at school in another way.Poor kid.

Well put.

It's a treat for DD so she should be getting a say anyway, not using her to punish her brother!

OP - we need to know what "unkind" means. It could be him saying something mean in retaliation to a classmate saying something to him about his disability (and the classmate is better at being secretive or makes a big deal) or it could be physically hurting someone or it could hiding a classmate's shoes during PE...

This