Leaving child behind on trip

[yorkie825]

DD finishes her exams this week and I had planned to take her and her younger brother to Alton Towers as a treat. It was only discussed a couple of days ago so not been a long term plan.

I have contacted by school today about my DS (14) being unkind repeatable to another child in PE and is not the first time. I really can’t abide people being unkind and I have brought my children up to be kind and considerate.

DS is on the pathway for ADHD assessment and so has support in school, the main issues he has is lack of concentration and disturbing classes as he is loud and and shouts the answers out before other kids get a chance, we haven’t had report about being unkind for a long time.

I think his actions should be addressed , as I feel his ADHD pathway shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behaviour, and he should receive a consequence. Bearing in mind this kind of behaviour is atypical for him. The trip to Alton Towers was suppose to be a big treat. AIBU if he stays at home with my BH/Dad, who isn’t coming anyway as it is not his thing.

Please help and no judgement please.

This, I also dont think this 'I have decided this punishment and this will just make it all better and suddenly this child will turn into an angel' works I look back and think how my parents handled me and they communicated with me and we worked through things same as we do with our child

That's too big of a sanction. If that were my child I'd take £5 off their £10 spending money and donate to an anti bullying campaign. Thankfully the threat of this happening has been enough for them over the years.

This. I’d want to know far more about what actually happened, especially as you say this is atypical for him.

I really think it depends on how unkind he's been.

If it was calculated and deliberate bullying that's quite different to an offensive comment either said in the heat of the moment or because he misjudged a situation.

Before making a decision I'd want to investigate further and hear his side of it.

Not taking him to AT is a harsh punishment so it would only be appropriate if he really needs a reality check imo.

Also what would you do if the AT trips wasn't coming up?

I couldnt quite put my finger on what this is about, but I now think it is almost as if you are saying "look at me, Im prepared to do something difficult and follow through...Im showing the world I'm a very good strong authoritative parent and it's definitely not my fault my son was unkind".

It's of no benefit to the injured party - the child he was unkind to, and it isn't going to stop his impulsive behaviour to deny him this trip

There are other forms of restorative justice surely? Writing an apology, volunteering, helpful chores - after all he has let YOU down too.

It's a bit glib to find something fun to take away from him in such a deliberate way

What children need and particularly teens is not rewards but a genuine sense of involvement...if the trip is just a bargaining chip it probably wasnt worth it anyway but if you can enjoy each others company there genuinely take pleasure in his enjoyment that's well worth having to boost his self esteem motivation. But not as a reward.

Fair enough I see what you mean. It should be a special day for the OPs DD.

I have 4yr old twins myself so I don't really know about parenting teens yet, god help me haha. But the twins and I always have to go everywhere together on trips - so sometimes if one has been particularly naughty then the other one gets to 'choose' what we do / the order / how we do it. Theyre obsessed with CHOOSING, but usually both will still enjoy themselves in the end. Agree with your point though.

It's too disconnected and too big a punishment to be effective. Take him on the treat, and separately have a talk with him about the incident.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from and I couldn’t agree more that issues need addressing (adhd or not).
however I do think consequences should be relevant and natural where possible.
the consequence of this situation is that school have called (has there been another consequence too? Detention, letter of apology etc?) and that you are really disappointed and upset by his behaviour, and the other child is upset.
I think in this instance I would just be talking it through with him and explaining how he has impacted people. He is impulsive and it will take probably years for him to be able to link consequences to his actions. I think the key is being consistent with it.
I would also explain that I had considered not taking him as a punishment but that I’ve reconsidered and that I will take him on the understanding that he is going to step up and consider his actions. (I know that kind of contradicts the relevant consequence thing, however if my child was continually misbehaving I wouldn’t feel like treating them to something big!)

"bring unkind repeatedly" is parent speak for "picking on and bullying"

The school is clearly dealing with it by having contacted the OP- schools don't contact the parents of a 14 year old for a one off "being unkind" that might be a few harsh words, or a shove on the football pitch here and there.

If you don't take him, though @yorkie825 his absence will hang over you and his sister and affect her treat.

Take him and use the summer to work with school to deal with why he is "repeatedly unkind" to some other people.

My DD has been subjected to “unkind” behaviour. She was deliberately and repeatedly bullied for months before school would even pick up the phone to a parent. I don’t want to make you feel worse, OP, but my suspicion is that the one incident they’re reporting directly to you is the tip of the iceberg. As another poster said, hats off to you for actually parenting and dealing with it.

I'd find out exactly what he's accused of doing and if he can supply his version of what happened and why, and address that. Excluding him from the trip seems kind of unrelated and arbitrary, especially as the trip was never a reward for him but for his sister. However, if grounding is an appropriate response to what he's done, then leaving him home makes sense.

Why was he unkind to the other child in PE? What happened beforehand? Was he triggered?

You can't just assume he was feeling in control at that moment and made a calculated decision.

My DS has ADHD/autism and will hit/punch/throw at other children, but it's ALWAYS because they always trigger him because they know he's an easy target and they're clever/manipulative...and they wind him up to the point that he can't cope, in situations when the teacher isn't around, and then he explodes because he can't regulate and all the other kids 'dob him in'. It's a power thing that other nasty children do to him. My son needs to learn to control himself and regulate his behaviour. Are you sure your DS did it because he was in control and being mean? Or was it a lack of judgement and a reaction to another child being unkind?

I wouldn't take Alton Towers away. I would get him to reflect on how it must feel for the other child, then get him to write a letter of apology or make sure there is a verbal apology. Then consider ways of making it up to them. Include a teacher so they know the child receives the apology.

I found the key to consequences for ADHD children is timing. If the trip is tomorrow or this weekend then yes, I'd leave him behind. If it's weeks later, he will struggle to put his actions at school and not going to Alton Towers together.

I don't think leaving him behind will address the unkind behaviour. You will just be modelling to him yourself being unkind. What's more it will just make him upset and think about the consequence to him rather than making him think about the consequence to the DC he has been unkind to. I agree, it absolutely needs dealing with, but leaving him behind is counter productive.

This is spot on, for me, and well expressed.

I think it’s fine, it’s reasonable that there are consequences to actions. You are making it clear that any bullying kind of behaviour will be taken seriously.

If a good talking to worked then we wouldn’t have any bullying schools would we? Of course children know they are hurting feelings when they do it, thats why they do it, to dominate another child, their motivations are no different to adult motives for bullying.

Having ADHD and poor impulse control is not the same thing as having no impulse control.

Absolutely. Repeatedly being unkind to someone is called bullying. And bullying shouldn't be tolerated.

Far too much excusing behaviour for ADHD "My kid hits others but its never his fault." "You want him to be kind, punishing him would be unkind. So you'd be setting a bad example".

People don't like spending time with bullies, so you don't get invited to fun things with other people when you're a bully.

A high school has bothered to call the parent of a 14 year old for behaviour towards another student. This is clearly no minor, short term issue. Teenagers treat eachother horribly and teachers turn a blind eye almost always.

I think it's fairly reasonable to work out that the ND child is the easier target for "blame" when they react to being bullied by other children who are much sneakier and can work under the radar compared the ND child who reacts loudly and obviously...

Which is why you need to establish what happened by speaking to him, depending exactly on what the "unkind" behaviour was.

Otherwise you risk punishing him for being victimised as well

As someone who was horrendously picked on, particularly during PE where there was less supervision (especially in changing rooms), I applaud you for taking a strong stance on bullying.

But it is his consequence for his behaviour is it not?
It's meant to make you think about your behavior?

The OP has stated that this is not the first time she's been contacted about her son's "unkind" behaviour, and that this latest contact from school said it was "repeated".

I doubt her son is the victim here.

I really disagree with this. By all means talk and address any underlying issue but this approach is essentially saying children don't need consequences for their behaviour because when they're an adult mummy won't be there to sanction them. But the punishment is to teach them that bad behaviour = consequences so that once they reach adulthood they can make good choices for themselves.

Punishment for a child with adhd won’t stop impulsive (“unkind”) behaviour. For my Ds (adhd dx) the only way he can reliably behave in a socially acceptable way, especially in a high pressure environment like school, is through medication.
this punishment will only make him feel even crapper about himself than he likely already does. You can impose an alternative less draconian consequence if you choose but presumably school have already given some. You can support that and maybe impose an extra chore if that is likely to succeed with him but I’d suggest you’d be much better to talk about strategies to manage himself and avoid triggering situations and people in future. You might find on investigation that there’s a lot can be done.
if you’re not careful adhd boys get labelled as bad lads and give up trying.

a really good idea. In adult life, if you upset someone (outside of criminal behaviour), you’d expect to have to make amends to that person. Apologising is much more relevant and appropriate and could help repair things at school.