Leaving child behind on trip

[yorkie825]

DD finishes her exams this week and I had planned to take her and her younger brother to Alton Towers as a treat. It was only discussed a couple of days ago so not been a long term plan.

I have contacted by school today about my DS (14) being unkind repeatable to another child in PE and is not the first time. I really can’t abide people being unkind and I have brought my children up to be kind and considerate.

DS is on the pathway for ADHD assessment and so has support in school, the main issues he has is lack of concentration and disturbing classes as he is loud and and shouts the answers out before other kids get a chance, we haven’t had report about being unkind for a long time.

I think his actions should be addressed , as I feel his ADHD pathway shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behaviour, and he should receive a consequence. Bearing in mind this kind of behaviour is atypical for him. The trip to Alton Towers was suppose to be a big treat. AIBU if he stays at home with my BH/Dad, who isn’t coming anyway as it is not his thing.

Please help and no judgement please.

But we don't even know what the son did besides being "unkind". The school presumably did give more details

And repeatedly doesn't stop it being because sly NT children are picking on him and deliberately winding him up to make him react and then telling on him.

I agree. His behaviour doesn’t sound that bad and to deny him a big planned treat because of one report of being “unkind” is mean and disproportionate. It will do nothing to improve his behaviour.
I’d want to know what the school meant by unkind, and why they called you. In my experience some teachers overreact to mildly mean behaviour by certain pupils.

Of course his behaviour doesn't sound bad. It's his mother telling us.

The behaviour is repeated and not the first time she's been contacted.

There are two other versions of this situation. The school- and they did not use the word "unkind". That the OP has been contacted, and not for the first time, indicates it's a lot more than unkind. It could be verbal abuse, it could be physical. (Particularly as it seems to be happening in PE) The other version is the child/children who are being subjected to such behaviour that another child's parents are being informed. That is never done lightly, and usually after many many low-level incidents that the school has tried to resolve. Often it's as a result of the other parent making a complaint.
If, (and the OP herself says her son is currently being assessed to see if he has ADHD) he is found to be ND, then protocols will be put in place to remove him from contexts when he might not be able to help himself from being "unkind"

For now, she needs to work with the school to find out what is happening and how to stop it.

Not letting him go to Alton Towers will resolve nothing.

I once got a phone call from the school saying my son had said something unkind to a girl in his class. This was after 2 terms of vicious verbal and physical bullying towards him which was not dealt with once and he was even criticised for not making friends.
Can you find out from him why he was "unkind"?
@ButWhatAboutTheBees
Yes what does "unkind" mean.

Personally I feel it's too big of a consequence.

Losing screen time/being grounded otherwise, etc, fine, but I think not taking him because of one incidence of unkindness is unfair. I know you say it's happened before, but it feels like it hasn't happened for a while from how you've said it.

Sit him down and tell him you were contemplating not taking him as punishment. Make him think you're doing a favour and being kind by still taking him, then remove his phone or gaming device for a period of time instead.

Thank you everyone for your replies, it really does help.

The communication was through the school app, and so I have spoken to the teacher today and it is about DS not respecting others personal space and he had spoken to hm before about this.

I just wish school had rung me instead, as it made me go down a rabbit hole.

The advice given has been helpful and I am going to go over it again and plan what to do next and help him understand about invading personal space and how it makes others feel. Now I have full info, I agree not taking him is out of proportion to what he has done.

Hello is your son remorseful for what he did? If so I would make him write a letter to the person he was unkind to explaining that he is very sorry/remorseful that he's upset the person/sometimes does things without thinking about the impact it can have on other people etc. Drop the letter off at the person's house or school or even better your son could demonstrate that he wants to make amends by giving it to the person himself.

I think working on him about personal space and boundaries would be better than banning him from the trip then, definitely

it is about DS not respecting others personal space and he had spoken to hm before about this.
That could still be a massive spectrum of things though? What was it that happened?

Exactly. My DD with ADHD really struggles with personal space. It's something to work on, not punish for. There's no malice in it. So 'unkind' isn't what it is really.

Also, bear in mind that kids with ADHD hear vastly more criticism and vastly less praise than NT kids. Choose battles carefully. Be curious rather than moving to punish first.

She means bullying

What does your DD want? Would she miss having her brother there or not?