Partner in blinding debt- what would you do?

[lipglossandmascara]

Been with partner 5 years. We have 1 toddler and 1 baby on the way.

2 years into our relationship and his travel related business fell flat on its face. He ended up owing lots of money and getting deeper and deeper into a rut. He still owes people money- friends, family, work related funds.

He owes me around £10k for me covering his rent numerous times (we've always kept finances separate anyway)

He's a very closed book and won't open up to me if I try to ask/ help. He just shuts it down. Has also lied about finance related things in the past.

I have been feeling like he is getting slowly back on his feet. Work starting to come back in etc etc.

But today I received a message from a work connection of his stating he needs to pay back the 6k owed or legal action will be taken.

I've also read over his shoulder other people asking for money. I dread to think how much he actually owes.

These amounts are ALOT to us. We are not rich people. The 10k he owes me was my life's savings. He has started to pay that back now (only one instalment so far) but it's sporadic and not reliable.

I messaged him to say we need to talk about the situation with this work contact and he said "no we don't because that is business not personal" ... I said "it is personal when I'm being contacted"

I feel so anxious and sick. I know he won't talk to me and I feel like my world is closing in on me right now.

What do you do when you have a partner in serious debt that won't talk about it ?!

Advice please.

Meant to add the travel business crashed because of Covid.

Thanks for this helpful comment

What a spiteful response @JacquesHarlow.

OP, that sounds extremely difficult and I suspect much more informative posts will follow that advise you to split from him and make these problems solely his and for you to focus on your own financial security and the children.

Hiya - what is your legal connection to him?

I would give him an ultimatum. Either he sits down with you and is completely honest about all the debts and comes up with a repayment plan or you split up.

Is he your partner or are you married? Hopefully your finances are not tied. He needs to look at options such as bankruptcy if he is unable to pay these sums back.

Who has a baby and a toddler with a man and treats them like they're a roommate? My husband's debt is my debt. Once kids are involved how on earth can anyone say, that's mine!

Not surprised he won't talk to you. You want £10k back off him.

Advice. Write off the £10k (I never ever give anything with the expectation of it coming back) and go together to see Citizens Advice. Help him. Instead of adding to his list of worries.

Ignore the weird poster above.

Personally I think I would have to end the relationship. It would be too difficult for me to cope with. It's good you've kept finances separately but you're still bearing the burden of his debt and it isn't fair. You have given him more than enough. I would separate and request a repayment every month, although I don't know of it can be reinforced. What a nightmare. I really feel for you.

There are two very different views posted above
which side do you fall on

I agree with bright that you will never see that money again

This does not bode well for you OP.

He can't just bury his head in the sand. If he doesn't get professional financial help, this will keep escalating. Are you prepared to maybe one day have the roof taken away from over your kids heads? That's what will happen if he doesn't wake up and act now and it sounds like his isn't even trying to fix it.

For the sake of your kids, consider walking away.

Just to clarify my comment was referring to the deleted post, not anyone else.

Op has 2 children and herself to think about. she doesn't need to add to her ro do list by sorting out her partners debts. And not everyone is in a position to write off a 10k debt owed to them. Op I agree with the above poster about issuing an ultimatum.

I think he can be handed a bit of sympathy on the basis his debts from business failure during Covid rather than being stupid with money. What percentage of his annual income is the £6,000? It’s not, in the grand scheme of things, an absolute fortune: he needs to communicate with the business contact about setting up a payment plan rather than stick his head in the sand.

I think you need to focus on the business debt rather than him “owing” you rent money: you’re a couple with children living together, paying the rent on your shared home when he wasn’t earning is ultimately part and parcel of being a couple and if a woman was posting that her male partner was demanding she pay him back for paying the rent on their joint home when she wasn’t earning anything, I don’t think the responses would be in the partner’s favour.

He needs to look into an IVA

You are never ever going to see your £10k again, never. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can detach yourself from this sponge and walk away having learned a very expensive mistake.

He’s not a partner if he’s not being open with you. Hard though it is you have to look to separate all your affairs and leave him.

The point is not that you’re not supporting him, but his lack of honesty is impacting on you big time, it would be very different if you were tackling this together but you are being kept in the dark which is so unfair!

Youre not going to see your money again. Is his business profitable? Could you accept shares in lieu of your 10k with the idea that, at the very least, you could hope for dividends or equity in the end?

It sounds like most of his debts are personal and not through his business so I’m not sure how much an IVA etc would assist.

Do his parents plan to leave him anything? Are they in a position to allow him some early inheritance to get a clean slate with family/friends? Or at least clear half his debts etc.

I’m sympathetic as COVID and Brexit ruined many businesses however he needs to get real and sit down & talk to you. This is completely unfair on you. I’d reply to the message with “thanks for the message. I’ll pass it on to partners name as I’m completely uninvolved or able to assist with this situation” and then stop replying.

Your finances aren't separate @lipglossandmascara , you've given him your life savings.

Bluntly, you've been an idiot. You're never going to see this money again, whether you stay with him or not. He's lying to you about how much debt he's in, and even if he pays you some of it back, he's going to ask for it again later to pay someone scarier than you.

Get out now, and if you have any sort of debt agreement with him then take him to small claims court for the money.

Sounds like he's massively overwhelmed and needs some clear objective advice.
Maybe he needs to declare bankruptcy, but when you are that far on the back foot financially you need to take stock and face it.

Not easy to persuade someone to do that when they are in a state of overwhelm/panic/shame etc etc...

But they're are mechanisms and routes that are better than others even from this position. It's there anyone he would listen to who could be trusted to give him support to be brave and tackle things?

He could have been handed some sympathy if he hadn't dragged his partner into financial ruin with him. He could have declared bankruptcy before that happened.

He is burying his head in the sand. If you want to help him and stay together you must insist on sitting down with him and going through his debts and working out a payment plan. Perhaps a bank loan to pay off debts then pay that back over time?

If he says no I would make it clear that you know the debt is bad and you’re willing to work through it with him for the sake of your family and relationship. If the answer is still no I think you need to leave him and walk away. Write off those savings and get yourself free of his other debts.

I think you need to focus on the business debt rather than him “owing” you rent money: you’re a couple with children living together, paying the rent on your shared home when he wasn’t earning is ultimately part and parcel of being a couple

This. It'd be different if you didn't know about the debt before going onto have another baby together, but you're a couple with kids and a home to fund. You may well want to keep finances separate and that's wise in many ways given he's not good with money, but the fact is the 10k you've paid on his 'rent' (rent for the home you share with your DC) is money you've spent on your family, not really money he owes you back unless he has a massive windfall. The business debts are the priority and if you're a team, he'll snap out of this 'my business' mentality because it's your business too, not just because you're being chased for the debt, but because you're financially supporting him too.

He needs to accept you have to work together on this or you'll really have to separate your finances and live separately. But then your DC's father will just get even more in the hole. Be a team, get help from Step Change etc to make a proper plan to repay the debts, or make plans to manage without him.