Partner in blinding debt- what would you do?

[lipglossandmascara]

Been with partner 5 years. We have 1 toddler and 1 baby on the way.

2 years into our relationship and his travel related business fell flat on its face. He ended up owing lots of money and getting deeper and deeper into a rut. He still owes people money- friends, family, work related funds.

He owes me around £10k for me covering his rent numerous times (we've always kept finances separate anyway)

He's a very closed book and won't open up to me if I try to ask/ help. He just shuts it down. Has also lied about finance related things in the past.

I have been feeling like he is getting slowly back on his feet. Work starting to come back in etc etc.

But today I received a message from a work connection of his stating he needs to pay back the 6k owed or legal action will be taken.

I've also read over his shoulder other people asking for money. I dread to think how much he actually owes.

These amounts are ALOT to us. We are not rich people. The 10k he owes me was my life's savings. He has started to pay that back now (only one instalment so far) but it's sporadic and not reliable.

I messaged him to say we need to talk about the situation with this work contact and he said "no we don't because that is business not personal" ... I said "it is personal when I'm being contacted"

I feel so anxious and sick. I know he won't talk to me and I feel like my world is closing in on me right now.

What do you do when you have a partner in serious debt that won't talk about it ?!

Advice please.

I’d just leave him, he’s too expensive to keep.

Since the beginning of his problem was a failed business, I would have some sympathy. However, I would not have loaned him money without full financial transparency. I would also not stay in the relationship without financial transparency. Even without the loan, it absolutely is your business because it impacts the stability of the household and the future of your shared children.

I would expect to sit down and go over the books together. Depending on the situation, it may be worth spending some money to seek professional financial advice.

This in a nutshell.

If his creditors are contacting you, losing your £10k is the least of both your problems. Drag him to a debt advisor/CAB so you can work together to find the solutions. If he refuses to engage, then get advice on how to protect yourself and the children. That may mean moving out. If he can't be honest with you when you're trying to support him, I'm afraid that doesn't bode well for the relationship.

Full disclosure from him, lay it all out how much is owed, to whom, and how long it has been. What (if anything) has he paid already and are there any payment plans ongoing?

Then you know what you're dealing with.

Take steps to separate your finances as much as possible so as to not drag you into it and make you liable.

Then get a proper debt advisor onboard to tackle it.

I simply can't believe that with all of this debt and him owing you £10k, that you thought it was a good idea to bring another child into this mess OP. It seems to me that you're as bad as each other and both burying your heads in the sand.

However, that being said, I think your best bet at this stage, is to give him an ultimatum, he stops burying his head in the sand, shares all information about the situation with you, and you go to Citizen's Advice together to get proper advice on the best way to handle this situation, OR, you part ways, and he sorts it on his own.

Is all his debt tied to the business? Is it a Ltd company or sole trader structure?

I'm inclined to think the lack of honesty is more of an issue than the debt. It's also a real pity that he confused his business and personal life by borrowing from friends and family.
My dh died a year ago and our entire life together was marred by him lying to me, stealing and generally getting into massive debt.Like your partner, his first business failure wasn't of his making but he never really recovered from it and we almost lost the family home on 2 occasions.
I bought him our of the house although he continued to live there until his death. In my case it wasn't possible for me to have a relationship with someone I couldn't trust.
Your partner needs to get good financial advice and treat the relationship issues separately.

I would leave him either now or some months after your baby is born if you can’t face it now.

This

It didn't read to me like they live together? I read it as op has paid his rent on his own home.

a) don't marry him as his debt is your debt b) do not lend him any more money (agree that you probably won't see the c) 10,000 back) c) encourage/insist him to talk to a specialist/citizens advice/Step Change about his business debt. He has two young children to consider and he does not have to face this on his own. Many others have been down this route and help is out there.

This is an old thread. Why on earth has it been resurrected today?

I'd not be having DC with a man in debt. I'd tell him either he sits down together and goes through all debt with a view of repaying it together or you split up and you take DC and he keeps his own debt. You won't ever get the £10k back it's gone, you gave it away to him. I suspect he will be taken to court and eventually go bankrupt. If you are together that will affect your credit too.