Partner in blinding debt- what would you do?

[lipglossandmascara]

Been with partner 5 years. We have 1 toddler and 1 baby on the way.

2 years into our relationship and his travel related business fell flat on its face. He ended up owing lots of money and getting deeper and deeper into a rut. He still owes people money- friends, family, work related funds.

He owes me around £10k for me covering his rent numerous times (we've always kept finances separate anyway)

He's a very closed book and won't open up to me if I try to ask/ help. He just shuts it down. Has also lied about finance related things in the past.

I have been feeling like he is getting slowly back on his feet. Work starting to come back in etc etc.

But today I received a message from a work connection of his stating he needs to pay back the 6k owed or legal action will be taken.

I've also read over his shoulder other people asking for money. I dread to think how much he actually owes.

These amounts are ALOT to us. We are not rich people. The 10k he owes me was my life's savings. He has started to pay that back now (only one instalment so far) but it's sporadic and not reliable.

I messaged him to say we need to talk about the situation with this work contact and he said "no we don't because that is business not personal" ... I said "it is personal when I'm being contacted"

I feel so anxious and sick. I know he won't talk to me and I feel like my world is closing in on me right now.

What do you do when you have a partner in serious debt that won't talk about it ?!

Advice please.

You're going to o be bottom of his list to payback. You're unlikely to see it anytime soon. So you need a frank discussion about family finances going forward.

Also if the business isn't making enough money for him to clear debts and contribute to family, then what he needs is a job.

If you're someone's 'partner' and you have children together, then not talking about your debt isn't an option.

When debtors start contacting you then you know it's really bad. Hopefully you're not married?

I'd seperate housing and finances before bailiffs turn up. He needs to leave OP. He's not going to pay you back.

The problem here isn't the debt in itself op, it's that he's refusing to deal with it or be open about it. Which would make me worry he's doing head in the sand and may not even know himself how bad it is which will make it worse to get out of.

If he is otherwise a good partner then I'd try again to help him and set up a meeting with CAP who are a really good help for people in debt. They can consolidate his debts, act as intermediary so that his debtors are going to them instead of him and he will pay them a set amount which is divided out among debtors until its all repaid. I would be very worried about his mental health trying to deal with that alone but ultimately op, if he refuses your help there is nothing more you can do for him. And then your only option will be to leave because he's not treating you like a partner and you've really no way to know what you're dealing with. I get that he maybe thinks he's protecting you from it all but really the unknown is worse than facing it head on and starting to address it and regain control. You need to know exactly what you're dealing with so that you can seperate home and all money so that you can protect your children.

There are a strange number of people on this thread thinking he is some innocent victim who deserves OPs help. He is an adult who has 2 children and has made some poor business decisions and then failed to act as a partner and communicate or try to fix them.

I acknowledge that these are only opinions as is mine but I would say it’s not your problem to fix as appears to be PP’s view. You aren’t the one who needs to dig him out of this hole- he does. Yet again an expectation of the woman having to do the hard work and pick up pieces. I would leave, protect your children and yourself and not look back

So as you’ve been paying his share of the rent which is £10K, this situation has been going on for years. Why didn’t you insist he get at least a part-time job, so you could leave at least some of your life savings where they were? Like others have said, you won’t be getting that £10K back.

If he’s lying about money, he’s lied to you about other things. For now I would focus on your support network and quickly forming an escape plan.

If he's not willing to talk and find a way forward then time to detach from him completely.

Do you have family support?

Debt Advisor here. I suggest you get this moved to the Money Matters section.

First things first:

Are any of the debts joint?
Any suggestion that he has run up debts in your name?
Do you have any JOINT financial products such as a current account?
Has he approached a debt advice agency?

I don't think that's the case. It's more that she's known the situation and had a baby with him recently so she's chosen to throw her lot in with him and is also in the hole. She can of course leave him and let him deal with the debt himself. That's always an option. But she's not done that so far, she's given him her life savings which are almost certainly gone for good, so she's invested in this mess and it's presumably in her interests to not have her DP (if she keeps him) taken to court. I think that's all people are saying, not that he's an innocent at all.

Sounds like you treat each other as room mates rather than as partners. Do you live together? Sounds like you have no intention to marry him. Why stay?

Of course it’s personal: he owes you £10k and you have joint responsibility for children.

OP, has he got a job? Does he have any means of getting himself out of this?

It sounds as if he is overwhelmed, panicked and has put his head in the sand.

Assuming you would like to keep your relationship and seethe return of your £10k, I would take a supportive but firm approach.

Offer to get him an appointment with debt counselling, work in a business plan / employment plan to recover etc. Tell him he can’t live like this, it is too stressful for him, and you need to address it together so you can support him.

Good luck!

This is so poor. OP was right to maintain separate finances, who knows how much he would have bled from her.

It's a shame she didn't dump him instead of giving him her life savings. Sounds like the 10k is a drop in the ocean compared to all the creditors popping up.

The last thing she should do is marry him.

I agree with this, his debts are (hopefully) not from irresponsible things. If you love him I would stick it out but only if he's willing to sort things about with everything out in the open. It sounds like he's in a mare and his pride is taking over in not wanting to speak to you about it. But he absolutely has to open up, you both figure out how much he owes and get debt advice asap. It sounds like a big loan to pay off individual creditors and get them off his back is needed. Then a repayment plan that he can afford to get it paid off. There are companies that help with this and even write off part of the debt as far as I'm aware depending on how much is owed and circumstances.

I have to say though it is strange (to me) to have a couple with kids and you lending him money for rent rather than just helping him out, but if you helping him out wasn't financially viable then I understand.

What protections did he have in place when the company folded (as in was it a limited company?) is he legally liable for the business debts? First port of call is seeking legal advice (or splitting up with him and then add yourself to the list of people he owes money to).

Check your credit record and make sure he hasn’t taken out any debt in your name.

Is he working now?

How is it so poor? It sounds like unfair treatment from both sides. If sexes were reversed everyone would be saying his money goes in the family pot as they have children.

It would be the lying and shutting down that would be a massive issue for me - my trust would be gone. I would probably leave due to the breach of trust. Perhaps he needs some counselling and therapy though to help him face up to what's happened - it must be causing him immense stress so I would look into it for him. There's a reason he's unable to face up to it and it needs professional help, debt management charity plus counselling (ask via NHS). Perhaps as a non-negotiable in terms of the relationship and going forwards - get counselling and a debt management plan before you will consider if the relationship is worth saving. If he refuses to do that as well as be more open about what is going on, then leave him. A relationship without trust is not a relationship.

OP’s partner doesn’t owe her anything, legally. She chose to pay that rent using her life savings.

Who is responsible for the bills in your home? Is there any chance some of those could be falling into arrears too?
Get him contact StepChange and ask for a Breathing Space Agreement, it basically means creditors cannot pursue action against him for 60 days whilst he works with them to come out with a budget and a plan to repay his debt, they can help with IVAs etc.
They are impartial and free to use, they were a godsend to me when I got in financial difficulty a few years ago.

I mean, there are two problems here, one is the debt, and the other is his attitude towards you when you try to find out about it and potentially help. The debt is probably fixable one way or another, depending on the nature of the debt and the terms it was entered into. You and he both need legal advice and debt counselling. The nuclear option would be for him to declare bankruptcy but there may be middle ground. He probably needs to accept he's not cut out for business ownership (and may be disqualified from it in future, depending). You need to kiss goodbye to your £10K, I think.

All of this would be a considerable problem if he was willing to be honest and cooperative with providing details and complying with the harsh things that need to be done, but given that he's not so far, and not even managing the very basic thing of acknowledging that, as partners with 2 kids, this is your business and does affect you, then I would say the debt is the least of your problems. Even if he somehow manages to salvage the situation financially (unlikely), the fact that he isn't working with you as a team or being honest with you is going to cause problems for you throughout your relationship together, either financially again, or for some other reason that can't be predicted. The basic lack of respect he has for you as an equal in this situation would be a dealbreaker for a lot of women, and rightly imo.

You need to give him an ultimatum - and mean it - of cooperating fully and making a plan that you're fully included in for this to be a viable relationship going forward. Even then, you're probably going to have to be on constant look out for things that he concealed or minimised, because it doesn't seem that openness and admission of imperfection is in his skillset. Just writing it makes me feel weary and stressed on your behalf. I think your future self would probably thank you for just walking away from all of this now tbh.

The anxious sick feeling will recede once you start taking action btw.

Do not marry him under any circumstances. Ever.

Ridiculous he was happy to discuss 10k and borrow it off you but not anything else!

Think if he can't have an adult conversation then nothing you can do except walk away.

I was going to say the same thing...